Libservatives Bin Planning Regulations

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Local Government Secretary Eric ‘Six Chins’ Pickles has outlined a desperate set of plans cobbled together by the Cabinet’s Nudge Unit and the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money to get the UK’s stagnant economy moving by easing the rules on building extensions as part of a hare-brained initiative to boost the construction services industry and provide more affordable en suite sheds for first time buyers.

Following his housing and planning speech in the House of Conmans last Thursday, the lard-arsed Pickles, a former Chinese kitchen god impersonator, informed one press hack from the Cellulite Gazette that homeowners will henceforth be allowed to extend their properties without planning permission under the new Permitted Development Rights legislation then sort any trespass / land grab issues out with their next door neighbours at a later date.

This represents a drastic make or break last ditch attempt to get at least one sector of Broken Britain’s commerce moving in an upward spiral while the jewel in our national crown - the engineering / manufacturing industries - went down the proverbial swanny under the vindictive mismanagement of the Thatcher-led Tory government of the 1980’s – and were outsourced to Third World shitholes that now produce second-class steel and not-fit-for-purpose machinery.

Pickles, the Tory MP for Bentwood & Hunger, seemingly fully recovered from his CBS condition (Chronic Bulimia Syndrome), related the novel approach to scrapping planning permission would make it easier for established families to build that ‘wish list’ conservatory or bedroom balcony or patio veranda – or back garden swimming pool – or the whole foursome shebang if the credit cards could bear the strain – while 16,500 homeless couples and first-time buyers would have the opportunity to move out of their landfill site tents and shanties and get themselves on the housing ladder and into a lifetime of debt with a government-sponsored FirstBuy 100% mortgage on a Ken-Den or Nissan Hut or B & Q top quality two-up / two down garden shed.

Secretary Pickles informed one press hack from the Squatters Gazette that "Going back generations, as a nation we have always taken a great pride in our sheds, so scrapping these daft planning regulations means the building applications that foot-dragging local council jobsworths stack up in their in-tray for months will no longer be an issue and hence see the timely demise of municipal red tape and the obstructive bureaucracy - and herald a boom in the building trade.”

“We’re encouraging builders to fill their boots really – and make hay while the sun shines – though that one applies more to the farming industry. So if someone has a bungalow and gets a bit paranoid with all the recession-related scally break-ins, and decides they’d like a second floor with retractable stairs and one of those steel-lined panic rooms to keep the burglars out, then go ahead and build it.”

“Same if you have a regular two-storey semi-detached and fancy a bit more than a pissy little loft conversion – then go ahead and get Bob the Bodger and Pikey Pete to work and have the first mini sky-scraper in your street and sod the light obstruction and privacy laws.”

“I was in the council offices at my Bentwood constituency last week and the planning officer had a metre-high stack of applications for basement conversions waiting to be processed – to be themed as playroom dungeons for BD/SM games – which apparently local authorities up and down the country have been inundated with after legions of bored, frustrated housewives have read all three volumes of this ‘50 Shades of Off-White’ sexual escapades masturbation fantasy novel that’s shot to the top of the best-seller charts.”
“So that should keep the cellar conversion side of the building trade busy for a while – plus all the spin-offs to the adult sex toy and fetish equipment retail markets.”

Conversely Ron McScrote, Chairman of the National Housing Federation, which represents the UK's housing associations, voiced his reservations regarding Pickle’s package of measures as a major step forward to get the building industry galvanised and back into action.
“Oh sure, it’s okay Mr Creosote coming up with these barmy schemes – but the entire buildin’ trade’s bin infiltrated wiv legions of effin’ pikeys an’ other swan-roastin’ twats from the EUSSR member states wot’s come over here as jobbin’ brickies an’ tilers an’ chippy’s an’ plumbers and sparky’s – an’ owt they cobble together’s gonna fall down or fuck up royally the first time yer slam the front door.”

Thought for the day. The core issues Scameron and Clogg and the rest of these dog wankers are overlooking centre on the fact it isn’t only this evolved red tape culture of excessive jobsworth bureaucracy nor the snail’s pace planning regulations that present a problem - it's the tits-up state of the economy overall - and all these Big Society ‘austerity measures’ - and bullshit ‘quantitative easing’ money-printing orgies by Mervyn ‘Micawber’ King Kong at the Bank of England – plus interest rates too low at 0:5% (need to be 5% minimum to get the money moving again) – capped off with this absurd 20% VAT on every fucking thing we touch.

How about this for a bright (subversive) idea: we already have a public sector pay freeze in force for three years - so how about a freeze on supermarket and retail outlet profits to match and cap inflation?
Next time they have a Cabinet re-shuffle, hoof this silver spoon tosspot Osborne out and get an actual economist sat behind the desk – and not Ed Balls either. An austerity-deregulated version of Ebenezer Scrooge or Jacob Marley might be a better option.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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