Saturday, 8 September 2012

Prince Harry on Taliban ‘Mooning Mission’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Royal cuckoo Prince Harry has been deployed to Afghanistan until Hell freezes over – or the end of time - (whichever comes later) - as punishment for embarrassing his Granny, HRH Queen Brenda, by running around in his birthday suit and cavorting with some equally-naked common or garden slappers in a Las Vegas hotel room last month, while partaking in a ‘Dirty Doggers’ custerfuck session – all of which was filmed by one member of the group on their smart phone and posted as a live stream feed ‘kinky’ feature on YouTube, Fuckbook and the Hump-a-Slut adult filth website.

Hence as payback for his al fresco / public (pubic?) lascivious sins, the ginger-mingin Harry has been stigmatised with ‘Remittance Man’ status and shunted off out of the limelight – to the Graveyard of Empires – Afghanistan – the proverbial shithole that broke the back of Alexander the Great’s military expansionist empire – long ago in those days of yore, when Greece amounted to more than its current standing as the apathy-stricken ouzo-slurping beggarman of the EUSSR community.

In this, his second Afghanistan deployment, the career ‘fuck-up’ prince, known in his regiment by the nom de guerre of ‘Captain Hewitt’ will be assigned to duties as an Apache helicopter gunship Portaloo 'bomber' with the 662 Squadron of the 14th Cannon Fodder Air Corps, based out of Camp Bastard in the main opium poppy-growing Bellend Province, and tasked with guarding the Royal Family’s invested heroin interests.

Harry the ranga is the first member of the Royal Family to see active combat since his influence-peddling uncle Prince Andrew fought in the Falklands War, single-handedly swimming 100 miles from the navy base on Skanger Island, across the open South Atlantic to Burwood Bank disguised as a penguin, and sinking the ARA General Belgrano light cruiser (formerly USS Mary Celeste) with a brace of Torpex limpet mines – resulting in the deaths of 323 crew members - including Captain Bonzo Dog and the Doo-Dah Band.

Colonel Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, Commander of the Queen’s Own 21st Body Bag Brigade informed one press hack from the Warmongers Gazette that "Captain Hewitt, with his previous experience as an internet celebrity flasher, will be a useful asset, dropping Portaloo excrement bombs on enemy positions - and offending the sensibilities of these goat-shagging Taliban terrorists with mooning displays to coax them out of the woodwork – caves really – to vent their indignation – then we can pick them off en mass.”

While the Camp Bastion base has a bar, alcohol is forbidden and the strongest tipple available is anti-freeze, garnished with an olive and a twist of cactus. However the base does host the notorious ‘Dog Wankers’ government licensed happy ending rub n tug massage parlour where lonesome GIs and squaddies, frustrated with months of onanism and other forms of self-abuse can get their scrotums weighed for excess jism reserves and milked dry for $20 bucks.

The prince - who qualified as an Apache helicopter Portaloo ‘crap bomb’ specialist in February this year - will be missing the dirty delights and fleshpots of Las Vegas and London this coming week when he’s forced to carouse his 28th birthday with a second-class rave in some Bellend Province speakeasy / whore house - with he and his pals getting lap dances off burka-clad sluts and slurping pints of Pashtun Pisspot 1% ABV lager.

The UK’s Minister of Defence, Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, told media hacks that in his unqualified opinion the threat to Apache aircraft and crew in Afghanistan from Taliban attacks are rated as low – hence the fact Harry, third in line to the British throne, has been assigned to what the military term a ‘POG’ safe sinecure – and all he and his bodyguard detachment have to watch out for are ‘green on blue’ assassination attempts by Fifth Columnist infiltrators from the Taliban’s covert Backstabbers Battalion.

The Boeing AH-64 Apache attack chopper is designed to hunt and destroy battle tanks and other assorted armoured vehicles – of which the Taliban possess a total of ‘none’ - and is equipped with AIM-92 ATAS rocket pods, Shitehawk missiles and an M230 chain gun – along with the ‘ultimate insult’ Portaloo Shitstreak crap bomb ordnance - weapons that can collectively decimate a village’s goat herd, school, medical clinic and orphanage – and kill every fucker old enough to bleed – all in a double pass.

The NATO-led ISAF military contingent commander, US General Sheldon Scattstein, confided to one embedded gutter press hack from the Psychopaths Review that “What we’re gonna play on here is the psychological attack aspect an’ as a Busby Berkeley YouTube spectacular encore to his recent Las Vegas ‘Sin City’ scandalous mischief escapade, have Harry Boy pokin’ his bared ginger mingin royal ass out of the Apache side door and moonin’ the Taliban as we hit them with a rain of Shitstreak crap bombs – cos that’s gonna get them really riled up – bein’ shit on from a dizzy height by a member of the British Royal Family.”

“If the Las Vegas 'willy waggin' photos that were published by Rupert Mudrock’s Daily Shitraker red top tabloid an’ a whole skew of international websites prompted in excess of 3,800 complaints to the Press Complaints Commission – just guess how many the Taliban moonin’ footage is gonna generate for our anti-Islamic terrorist propaganda campaign.”

Thought for the day. Viz ‘Apache’ chopper gunships, a fitting misquote from Noah Chomsky:
“The Great Satan names its military helicopters after the native American Indian victims of Washington-sanctioned genocide – Blackhawk, Apache, Comanche - and there's nary a single complaint for human rights groups. Conversely if the German military’s air arm named their gunships ‘Yid’ and ‘Gyppo’ and ‘Slav’ after the victims of the WW2 Holohoax then we’d never hear the end of the whingeing from the kikester bosses at AIPAC and the Ashkenazi Jews of convenience running Israel’s Knesset.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Like the Belgrano piece - the Captain actually was called Bonzo.

Fletch said...

Your thought for the day quote or misquote from Chomsky is utterly brilliant and how true.

Anonymous said...

Bonzo - what kind of a navy puts a guy called Bonzo in charge of anything?

Anonymous said...

The 'misquote' is an improvement on Chomsky's critique.

Bazzer said...

Brill - another first in kicking authority squarely where it hurts.

Anonymous said...

Hump-a-Slut - nice one - can I borrow that phrase?