NHS Bribe GPs to Nix Hospital Referrals

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a farcical attempt to save a few quid, National Ill-Heath Service Trusts are urging family practice GPs to cut the numbers of so-called ‘inappropriate referrals’ and tempting them into compliance with cash bribes of £26,000 nicker ‘not to’ send patients to hospital – a big bucks bonus to add to the corrupt kick backs they already get from Big Pharma for pushing dodgy drugs that would make a big brown dog sick - and unnecessary medication regimes on anyone suffering from depression or anxiety issues concerning the fucked-up state of our society.

Okay, it’s not exactly rocket science as even the likes of serial hypochondriacs realise that every time doctors refer patients to a hospital for a consultation, scan or operation, the NHS Trust is charged for the cost of their treatment – and to clear up any misconstrued opinions or official black propaganda on this point, the taxpaying common or garden peasants have pre-paid for any and all medical treatment ‘up front’ via their weekly National Insurance contributions.

So, what are we looking at here – the sneaky introduction of further ‘for profit’ policy by these NHS Trusts – with the tax-paying British public being classed as simply no more than an ‘income stream’ – and an utter inconvenience if they get sick or injured - and the Hippocratic oath be fucked.

Okay, for the record, any medical professional want to stick their proverbial neck out and define ‘inappropriate referral’ for us all? What are we talking about – a snagged fingernail – or perhaps a bit of blood in the stool – or the inability to urinate due a prostate gland the size of a grapefruit – or an equal-sized tumour in one tit or the other – or both?

Under a scheme proposed by Dr Candida Mingerot, director of the prestigious Harold Shipman Primary Care Trust in Smegmadale-on-Sea, doctors are being promised £4 quid for every patient in their practice if they adhere to steps aimed at cutting referrals. To earn the full amount practices must follow a number of NHS guidelines which include reducing their referrals by a minimum of 50%.

The scheme covers all referrals, ranging from patients sent for scans to rule out the possibility of Aggravated Tennis Elbow to those wanting to see a registered nurse for a Band-Aid replacement – or some sodomite in need of a proctologist to stuff his lower colon back into place due suffering a prolapsed sphincter from a weekend gay gang bang public school reunion.

If a medical practice meets all the criteria it can generate a subsidiary income of £4 for every patient on its books – hence an average-sized practice with 6,500 patients stands to earn up to £26,000 per annum if a GP can convince patients the problem is ‘all in their pointy little heads’.
“Hmmm, nothing to worry about, keep taking the Paracetamol. Trust me, I’m a doctor.”

Conversely, Dr Freddy Patel, head of the NHS Centre for Clinical Guesswork, opined to media hacks that “Personally I consider it a super scheme as half these sickies making appointments with their GP are only after a medical certificate so they can have a few days off work – or they want a referral to have a consultant back their industrial injury claim for a whopping compo’ payout.”
“Hence if we deny them that opportunity then why shouldn’t we be entitled to earn a percentage of the projected cost savings?”

“Then of course we get these geriatric patients whingeing about referrals and taking up hospital beds when it would be more efficient to expand on the parameters of the Liverpool Care Pathway palliative scheme and simply send them home with one of those ‘bye-bye go to sleep’ do-it-yourself euthanasia pills from Dignitas.”

Has your family GP turned down a referral request to see a more qualified medical consultant who speaks English and knows what the fuck he’s talking about?
Any complaints concerning the under-performance of your local GP clinic or NHS Trust, don’t shag around – simply go straight to the top and contact the Minister of Health at huntj@parliament.uk.

Oh yes, since Austerity Dave Scameron’s radical ‘ethnic cleansing’ cabinet reshuffle we now have Rupert Mudrock’s smarmy gopher sat behind ex-Health Secretary Andrew Lansley’s desk – Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Hunt – he of the shit-eating “I’m Untouchable” grin.

So if you want to have a whinge about NHS short-comings, send us your comments using the online form below and you could win a hardback copy of the all-new DIY ‘Open Heart Surgery for Dummies’ self-help manual.

Thought for the day. Denied a hospital referral? If symptoms persist, consult an undertaker.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.