Bully Boy Mitchell Disses Plods

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The newly-appointed government chief whip, Andrew ‘CocoPops’ Mitchell, has copped for a right royal bollocking off Libservative Coalition PM Posh Dave Scameron for his latest public outburst of CRS (Chronic Rudeness Syndrome) and told to say sorry to the Plod Squad detail assigned to Downing Street guard duty for the disrespectful remarks made to them when they refused to open the IRA-proofed main gates so he could ride straight through unhindered on his Armajaro mountain bike - instead directing him to the smaller pedestrian gate used by all other lesser mortals – including sexy Sammy and the Scameron sprogs.

Mitchell is reported to have loosed a stream of gross profanities at the duty plods manning the gates - which are only opened to allow four-wheel vehicles access – and castigated them with a diatribe of unsavoury comments, including: "You need to learn your fucking place in the pecking order of things, sonny" and “Don’t you know who I am, knobhead? You will when I speak with my good friend and fellow Freemason, Commissioner Bernard Hulk Hogan at Scotland Yard tomorrow morning”.

The incumbent Tory MP for Slutt & Coldfeet, Mitchell attempted to brush off the incident with a half-arsed press release, stating for the public record "On Wednesday night I attempted to cycle straight out of Downing Street but the brain-dead police detail dissed me by refusing to kowtow to a social superior and open the gates, hence I had to dismount and push my bike via the pedestrian exit route like some insignificant member of the common herd.”
“While I deny that I used foul language towards those on duty as the lying scumbags have told the red top tabloids, I have expressed my apologies to the supervising sergeant - and on instructions from Posh Dave I’ll also apologise to the pair of fucking morons who refused to open the main gate.”

A former British Army squaddie, the foul-mouthed Mitchell was bumped up from the international development secretary’s desk in Scameron's recent ethnic cleansing cabinet reshuffle to the post of Tory chief whip, to keep rebel backbenchers in line – a role perfectly suited to his intimidating and aggressive bully boy reputation.

Known to all unfortunate enough to cross his path and invite his ire as a stern disciplinarian with an ego the size of a camel’s hump – who as a child once received an RSPCA caution for bullying his sister’s pet hamster - Mitchell has reportedly earned the disparaging sobriquet of ‘Thrasher’ among the career masochist submissive Romany sex slaves he selects to ‘chastise’ during his regular covert night-time visits to Madame Fellattia’s Dominatrix Dungeon in Chelsea’s des-res Max Mosley Memorial Gardens.

Downing Street spokeswoman Scabby Bertin informed one press hack from the Dog Wankers Gazette that “PM Scameron has directed Andrew Mitchell to apologise to Mr Plod for his appalling behaviour and brazen hubris, referring to the officers as ‘oicks’ and demanding the main gates be opened just for him – and to further book himself in for one of John Prescott’s anger management courses.”

“It must be remembered that Mr Mitchell has been under a lot of pressure lately trying to keep this fatally flawed Coalition fiasco on a straight heading and stop the Tory and Lib-Dum back-benchers from squabbling between themselves, but it always manifests as a problem when the common herd don’t seem to recognise and respect the same high exalted opinion of our party’s VIPs that they seem to hold of themselves.”
“Alas, this is what happens when ego surpasses intellect and applies especially so in Andrew’s case as he’s renowned as the type of person you can take anywhere twice – the second time to apologise.”

Ah, the vagaries of political position – a person rises up on a whim then tumbles down due the slightest gaffe.

PC Ron McScrunt and WPC Bev Titwank, both serving officers with Scotland Yard's SO6 Diplomatic Protection Group, who were on duty during Wednesday night’s distasteful encounter with the habitually obnoxious Mitchell, gave their side of the story to the media.

“This tosspot Mitchell comes ridin’ up on his fancy bike like that other posin’ fuckwit, Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense an’ shouts “Come on, get your fingers out and open the fuckin’ gate for me!”
"So Bev sez “Yer gonna have ter get off yer bike an’ walk through the pedestrian exit like every other sod an’ their dog.”
“Then the prick throws a temper tantrum wobbler an’ goes inter flat out Tourettes coprolalia mode an’ starts waggin’ his finger an’ effin’ an’ blindin’ at me and Bev - an’ calls her a ‘gormless skanger’ – wot isn’t very nice regardless of her lack of social skills.”

“They do my effin’ head in, this over-privileged Tory elitist fraternity wiv their absurd sense of entitlement. Who the fuck does this Mitchell character think he is, tryin’ ter pull rank on a security detail an’ goin’ inter a foul-mouthed parade ground tirade like some gobshite Sergeant-Major on an ego trip just cos he can’t get his own way. Then has the audacity ter spout a stream of porkie pies that he never swore at us while gobbin’ off in his bike rage rant an’ callin’ us a pair of dildos in blue uniforms.”

Taking a leaf from BP’s corporate diplomacy doctrine handbook of pouring oil upon troubled waters, in this instance to soothe the Met’ Plod Squad’s offended sensibilities - and too negate Labour calls for Mitchell’s sacking - PM Scameron today praised the police, informing a gaggle of press hacks that: "They do a spiffing and outstanding job, protecting us from Al Qaeda terrorists and the likes of the Mark Duggan’s and Dale Cregan’s of this world’” – apart from the odd occasion when they accidentally murder some innocent newsvendor passer-by during a G20 demonstration – or shoot Brazilian electricians who look sort of ‘Muslimish’.

So, who do we believe – a senior politician or a policeman? A quick review of recent history, applying the facility of 20/20 hindsight, leads us to conclude that both parties have irredeemable negative credibility issues where the virtues of truth and trust are concerned.

Do you ride your bike around Whitehall? Have the Met Plod Squad ever stopped your daily ride? Are you always polite to the Met’s ‘boys in blue’? What would be your response if Andrew Mitchell called you a brainless twat? How about if Gordon Brown called you a ‘bigot’?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win the chance of a lifetime to ride your bike through Downing Street’s main gate and piss on Mitchell’s inflated ego bonfire.

Thought for the day. Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 750,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Andrew Mitchell or his obnoxious, arrogant condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a saloon bar gathering of off-duty Plods that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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