Saturday, 1 September 2012

Woman’s 100 Orgasms a Day = Agony

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While some women might sympathise, doubtless a legion more will turn green with envy to trade places for a day with Slagella Muffitch, a 17-year old mother-of-three living in a block of flats at Portaloo Hamlets on Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill housing estate, who suffers (sic) from a medical condition which keeps her in a constant state of sexual arousal and the slightest pelvic movement results in another earth-shattering multiple orgasm.

Slagella’s ‘complaint’ – if such is a fitting term for her condition – is known to canny medical types by the acronym PGAD – or more correctly Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder Syndrome – and was caused by an accident last year resulting from a self-indulgent chillaxing ‘afternoon delight’ masturbation session, when while shuffling from bedroom to bathroom for a pee with a butt plug shoved up her jacksy and a pair of Ben Wa balls jammed in her snatch, tripped over her mains powered ‘rampant rabbit’ vibrator flex and fell head over tit down a flight of stairs.

Interviewed on Channel 4’s ever-popular prime time Rocks-Off programme, Slagella revealed “Luckily I landed in the hallway an’ woz able ter use the phone ter call an ambulance, but while the doctors at the A & E were able ter extract the butt plug from halfway up me soddin’ colon they couldn’t find any trace of the Ben Wa balls.”
“Ever since the ‘accident’ I gets constant orgasms if I drive too fast over speed bumps – and ridin’ me mountain bike’s right out, same as me Zumba exercises, as what might sound like a mind-blowin’ state of rapture and goin’ inter sexual Nirvana, ends up wiv me totally comatose an’ drenching me knickers wiv love juice as I can’t stop comin'. It’s not funny cos I have an orgasm every time I fart, an’ get multiples when I go ter the bog fer a dump.”

“The doctors have tried everythin’ ter relieve the condition, from stuffin’ me gash full of frozen peas then doin’ a bunch of squats an’ deep breathin’ exercises – which just made me come even more - ter a course of experimental Twat-Freeze injections wot managed ter make me piss flaps turn blue wiv frostbite an’ have icicles hangin’ out of me pussy when I went fer a slash.”

“I’ll tell yer how bad this PGAD gets - I had ter stop watchin’ the Olympics on the telly a couple of weeks ago and them mega-muscled athletes wiv their big cocks stickin’ out under the Lycra, cos every time I thought ter meself “Cor, really fancy a good rogerin’ off him” then I’d go inter orgasm mode fer an hour – an’ as yer can probably guess, watchin’ porno movies is right out as well.”

“Okay, I can see loads of girls in the audience here gigglin’ ter themselves, but how would it feel if yer out shoppin’ an’ you get a bit of an itch down there an’ give yer golly a quick scratch an’ have a mega orgasm? Very embarrassin’ in the middle of yer local Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket, let me tell yer. I ain’t jokin’, an’ just wish I could go back ter fakin’ the soddin’ things again.”

“I’m supposed ter be studyin’ fer me NVQ 2 in Advanced Welfare Benefit Fraud at the local Asbo Central Academy down the road in Scumshawe an’ me Mum looks after the kids like, an’ me GP’s prescribed this ointment stuff from Boots fer PGAD syndrome called ‘Kunt-Calm’ wot suppresses the orgasmic spasms – an’ that doesn’t work worth a shit cos me mate, Slutsy Titwank, wot’s a rug-munchin’ dyke, is on the same course an’ sits in the desk opposite me, an’ keeps lookin’ over an’ whisperin’ “Go on, have a quickie” – an’ showin’ us dirty pix on her i-Phone of some slapper getting’ rooted wiv a strap-on dildo ter send me inter orgasm mode so they can all have a laugh.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Lol's - ur fictionalised satire is better than the real story.

Tony said...

Brilliant! "Kunt-Calm!!" You're a legend with words mate.