QE2 Wanted Abu Hamster Snuffed

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

After being on the receiving end of a right royal bollocking from Balmoral Castle, BBC Director Georgie Bentwhistle has paid due penance by slithering naked through a sodden Highlands meadow strewn with cow shite, nettles and anti-personnel mines – then doggy-paddled across the citadel’s croc-infested moat – and crawled on hands and knees over a courtyard six inches deep in bleached peasant’s bones and broken Glenlivet bottles.

So, to what end was this act of supplicant obeisance performed, might we ask? To proffer his most sincere apologies at the feet of HRH QE2 for one of the Beeb’s correspondents transgressing the unwritten rule: opening mouth before engaging brain and inadvertently making a public revelation that Her Imperial Ruthlessness had raised issues of contention with Downing Street ministers concerning the anti-Monarchist activities of the shit-stirring radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamster.

Apparently BBC veteran security correspondent Frank McGobster, notorious around Westminster and Broadcasting House for his myriad ‘kiss n tell’ indiscretions, revealed during a Tuesday night interview on BBC 2’s ever-popular primetime ‘Tittle-Tattle Hour’ programme that the Queen had confided her personal concerns over Abu Hamster and the fanatical hate-mongering sermons to his privileged ear - which he was tasked with passing on to the inner backstabbers circle of Tony Bliar’s New Labour government back in 2002.

Queen Brenda was upset over Hamster’s continued freedom as the security services had wrongly dismissed the knuckle-dragging preacher as a bellicose troublemaker who was more at scent than substance rather than a fanatic bent on inciting a Holy Jihad against Democracy and Western civilisation - and overthrowing Britain’s historically-established status quo of the Four Estates of the Realm.

McGobster revealed that Brenda had whispered to him following a Halloween ‘Shape-Shifters’ black mass ceremony in the Hampstead Heath Masonic Lodge gardens how she was troubled by ‘dark dreams’ and paranoid anxiety attacks over the fact that Abu Hamster – “that horrid one-eyed Captain Hook character, spouting his monarchy-hatred sermons outside London’s Sharksfin Mosque” - could not be arrested or deported to somewhere nasty – and feared he and his Jolly Jihad mujahedeen were planning to blow her to ‘kingdom come’ (sic / no pun intended) in a Guy Fawkes style assassination attempt.

Applying the reverse psychology rhetoric of a well-clichéd provocative Plantagenet statement, Brenda posed the question “Really, Frank, who can one count on to rid us of this shit-stirring Muslim priest? The cheeky sod’s preaching hatred and calling our green and pleasant land a 'toilet' – and all while claiming mega-bucks in welfare benefits.”

“Should one have Stavros arrange another car smash hit, like he did for Diana and that Al Fayed costermonger’s son in Paris? Or have MI5 stick him in one of those big black North Face holdalls – preferably with some wild animal – a ferret perhaps – and chuck the oick in the Thames at high tide?”

The imprudent BBC hack further revealed during the Tittle-Tattle Hour interview that QE2 had entreated him to “Have a word with Tony Bliar – he’d cut his own Granny’s throat for a few bob – and perhaps talk to his éminence grise Peter Scandalson too – that slimy twat is graft and corruption on two legs. Tell the little poofter I’ll give him a seat in the House of Lords if he can arrange for Mr Hamster to get snuffed – or at least stay locked up in the Tower until they deport him.”

While the Home Office declined to comment on any such conversation between the BBC’s McGobster and Her Majesty QE2, New Labour’s scandal-ridden former Home Secretary David Blindgit informed media hacks that "The Queen and I held conflicting views related to Abu Hamster posing a threat to world peace - and it didn’t help matters during our last meeting in 2002 that one of her corgis gave poor Sadie a good rogering - after which we simply never saw eye to eye on the issue.”

In another of his customary sycophantic displays of toadyism, Labour MP Keith Vaz, chairman of the House of Conmans Brown-Nosing Committee, informed a press hack from the Grovellers Review that regardless of the impropriety of the Queen’s confidential comments to McGobster being revealed, they nevertheless served to illustrate how deeply concerned HRH was for the welfare of her beloved peasants.

Conversely the campaign group Anarchy Now! accused the BBC of revealing details of the Queen's interest in the case as a PR propaganda exercise that would serve to show her on the right side of public opinion – and not the self-centred grasping lizard-bitch she really is – with Vaz’s fawning servility a cover-up for Brenda’s pathological meddling in the political affairs of Britain – a trait unfortunately inherited by her eldest bat-eared son Chazzer, the Royal Plant Whisperer.

Bucks Palace have denied any such meeting or conversation between HRH QE2 and McGobster, concerning the radical Muslim cleric, ever took place - with Royal Equerry Sir Dinsdale Ffitch-Spatchcock informing the media “This might well be the work of that Helen Mirren woman who goes round impersonating Her Majesty.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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