Sunday, 23 September 2012

Blasphemy Channel: Jesus had Wife

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The latest and greatest shit-stirring news from the iconoclastic Blasphemy Channel this week claims an ancient scrap of papyrus makes explicit reference to Jesus having a wife – well, that’s the gospel according to Harvard divinity professor Ms Karen Kong, a world renowned expert on Egyptian papyrus scraps.

Ms Kong unveiled the 4th Century AD Coptic script during a six-day conference held at Rome’s Flying Spaghetti Monster Cathedral to an attendant audience from the Vatican and the Augustinian Institute of the Pontifical Lateran University.

The yellowish-brown faded papyrus fragment, resembling a corner torn off an Egyptian 28th Dynasty toilet roll, is slightly smaller than the average modern dog-eared business card and has eight lines on one side, in black ink, and is only legible under an electron scanning microscope.

Professor Kong maintains that researchers have identified the words "…and Jesus spaketh unto them “Me missus will be coming by later with the last supper – probably pie an’ chips as usual …” which, when one reads on, doesn’t actually refer to Mary Magdalene, a notorious Jerusalem slapper and long-assumed to be the Messiah’s ‘better half’, but some skanger with the unlikely Judaic moniker of Chantelle.

While Christian tradition conspiringly maintains that Jesus did not marry, Kong is adamant that “This argument is more at scent than substance as Jesus wasn’t a Christian but a Jew - and a Rabbi for Christ’s sake – whoops, that was said in context and no pun intended – and Rabbi’s, as the spiritual guide of the community, didn’t get the job unless they were a family man with a brood of sprogs.”

Kong believes that the ‘Rabbi’ contradiction besides, Jesus was obviously a radical thinker and not quite the same cut as the Pentateuch dogmatist Sanhedrin scumbags who ruled the roost in 32 AD Judea and coerced Pilate into crucifying the ‘Messiah’ due him being possessed with a ‘reformist dynamic’ and generally getting on the establishment’s wick with his up-ending the money-lenders tables in the temple (synagogue), then sermonising and preaching to every fucker and their dog that if they were good and nice to each other they’d go to Heaven and have eternal life and all other kinds of good shit.

Conversely Dr Candida Frigarotti, spokeswoman for the Agnostics-R-Us kick-ass group, claims Professor Kong is more full of shit than a Christmas goose as the New Testament gospels have been conclusively proven to be a first century AD forgery and just further evidence of the ruling Roman-era Pio / Flavian dynasty ‘offertory plate’ con-trick that the Vatican are still pushing 2,000 years down the road.

“Talk about your South Sea Bubbles and Ponzi pyramid schemes – they might well come and go but this one is still top of the pops with the brain-dead religious crutch masses after two millenniums, thanks to the crooked Vatican money-grubbers. Never forget, the gospel might state that ‘Jesus saves’ but it’s a fact that the Pope invests.”

The private antiquities dealer who owns the controversial papyrus fragment – a certain Signore Tony Macaroni of Milan, has asked to remain anonymous as he doesn't wish to be hounded by people making private bids when he puts it up for auction on eBay, where his ‘Image of Christ’ toasted Kraft cheese sandwich sold for US$28,000 bucks in 2004.

Thought for the day. Well, if Jesus was married to Chantelle of Galilee then at least it takes the edge off the speculative argument that he was a hard core gay who simply liked to hang out with the boys – his disciples. There again - it doesn’t rule out the fact he might have been bi’.


Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Ha! Chantelle - me coffee went up me nose when I read that bit. Nice one.

wiggins said...

The papyrus probably holds as much gravitas as the scorched 'passport'found at Ground Zero on 9/11.