Saturday, 30 June 2012

UK MoD Slammed for Hoarding

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to whistle-blowing moles at the National Audit Office reveals the Ministry of Defence is spending zillions of pounds on security to guard hoards of questionable military supplies deemed unnecessary for the modern warfare theatre requirements of the 21st Century.

Among these stockpiles at the numerous arsenals that blight the landscape of our once green and pleasant land are innumerable canvas sails and miles of Manila hemp rope for rigging ‘Victory’ class galleons, used in Nelson’s day and the Battle of Trafalgar – plus hundreds of ‘long nine’ iron cannons, along with ball, chain, and grape shot – and thousands of casks of granulated gunpowder well past their respective shelf life dates by a couple of hundred years.

Baz McScrote, a press hack with the Daily Shitraker, wined and dined Posh Dave Scameron’s Downing Street spokeswoman and junior spin medic, ‘Soundbite Scabby’ Bertin, for lunch yesterday at Whitehall’s Snitch & Grassers Arms with a veritable feast of Slugg Island oysters and carafes of vintage Chateau de Catpiss 1998 - and over brandy and cigars cajoled her to confirm the NAO had submitted a damning report to the Cabinet that storing obsolete inventory was costing in excess of £277 million quid per annum.

On a ‘cross your heart and hope to die’ condition that McScrote not tell any more than a dozen, a slightly giddy Ms Bertin allowed him to read a copy of the NAO report stored on her iPad, which cited the need to dispose of war reserve contingencies dating back to the Battle of Agincourt – specifically ‘Long Bows (Yew) 1,465 pieces’; ‘Bow strings (Flax & Hemp) 3,850 pieces’; ‘War arrows (Poplar and Hazel) 51,350 sheaves of 24 mixed broadhead and bodkins’ – as being now surplus to requirements.

New Labour’s shadow defence secretary, Jim Murphy, raised the issue yesterday on the floor of the House of Conmans and accused the Tory Defence Minister Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond of suffering from ‘Hoarder Syndrome’ - then demanded that in pursuit of economic efficiency alone, assets must be more efficiently managed – and anything no longer required - and thus redundant - be dispatched forthwith to the nearest pikey car boot sale for disposal and generate income to finance the next ‘Foreign Policy Initiative’ / aggressive military misadventure staged against some hapless Third World shithole sitting atop a bounty of untapped natural resources.

“We don’t need to listen to any Tory spin slogans from the MoD’s ‘Squirrel Division’ attempting to make a pile of shite smell like roses – nor any mention of the philosophical adage regarding these stockpiles of archaic medieval weapons claiming that ‘they’re a handy thing to have even if we never use the sodding things’.”

“The MOD must have a team of Bower birds working for them. Just look at some of the ‘Antique Roadshow’ items the taxpayers are forking out to store and have guarded 24/7 by the G4S Renta-Thug Security Agency.”
“Scores of suits of armour and chain mail – sizes various - left over from the Wars of the Roses. Thousands of destrier horse shoes stored at the Army’s Throatcut Barracks in Leicester since the Battle of Bosworth Field. Halberds and pikes from the Battle of Culloden. Muskets and ball shot and powder flasks from Waterloo. Sabres and lances from Balaclava. World War One gas masks from the trenches of Flanders – and Christ knows what else of no use to any bugger or their dog.”

“Regardless of the MoD failing to dispose of stock it no longer needs, and all inventory being computerised for years, we still show a stockpile of 235 size 44 chest chain mail vests at the Old Scrotum Arsenal in Smegmadale – and what really troubles me here is the fact the MoD’s requisition department didn’t stop ordering these garments until 1996 – years after Kevlar had assumed a proven superior role as body armour.”
What’s more, our squaddies with the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, coming under daily Taliban fire in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province are crying out for ceramic strike plate insert for their flack jackets and all the MoD have in stock are medieval cuirasses.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Brilliant piss-take