Saturday, 23 June 2012

Pob Ignites Libservative Coalition Breakup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

To state Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg ‘reacted angrily’ to the shock and awe news that Tory Education Secretary Michael ‘Pob’ Gove had announced plans to scrap GCSE exams in England would be a euphemism fraught with understatement considering the manner in which he spit the proverbial dummy and had the unfortunate messenger shoved inside a North Face spy-size holdall, given a sound kicking, then drowned in his hotel suite’s bathtub.

Clogg, who is currently in Brazil (where the nuts come from – and the Nazis go to hide) on a trade mission junket, informed a press hack from the Numbskulls Gazette " If it isn’t bad enough having the ridiculous slack-jawed Gove hanging around the sodding Cabinet Office looking like a refugee from Fraggle Rock, now he’s dreamed up some scheme to bring back O-Levels for the smart arses – and CSEs for kids who don’t have two brain cells to rub together.”

“Pob’s a typical Tory oick, and I just wish he’d engage brain before opening mouth – especially to the gutter press media. Seriously, the clot’s not capable of thinking for himself without causing a blood and guts confrontation on several fronts, and thank Christ Scameron never put the twit in charge of the Foreign Office or we’d be at bloody war with some bugger. Hmmm, on second thoughts, we are already – thanks to Willy Vague and his little clique of Friends of Israel Zionist stooges kissing Ja’ackoff Rothshite’s arse at every available opportunity.”

“Seriously, when Austerity Dave gets back from his Mexico junket and the G20 summit at Los Cobblers - and trying to get a leg over Cristina Fernandez, the Argentine’s slapper of a president - then he and I will be having strong words concerning the future of this fuck up of a ‘Libservative Coalition’ where the sodding Tories get to make all the decisions and our Lib-Dum MPs have to kowtow and agree and break all our election campaign promises to the couple of dozen faithful voters we still have.”

“Little wonder our party’s ‘credibility deficient’ since the tuition fees treachery we copped the blame over and who knows what else we get fingered for at every turn. But on the latest ‘two-steps backwards’ plan to implement this ridiculous GCE O-Level exams scheme of slack-jaw Pob’s, then I’ll be putting my foot down with a firm hand.”

“I’m just waiting to see the banner headlines in Broken Britain’s red top gutter press tabloids tomorrow: “Lib-Dums Betray Public Trust Again” – and you can imagine what a six course Lucullan banquet feast New Labour’s Ed Millipede is going to make of that – especially following on the heels of the Channel islands K9 tax avoidance loophole that the Tories created for themselves years ago - and Posh Dave's brazen hubris, to publicly brand Jimmy Carr as having the sewer rat morals of a penny-pinching expenses-fiddling MP.”

But here Mick Clogg might just be wrong – as usual. Ed Millipede, New Labour’s infant wunderkind of a party leader, alike the Lib-Dum’s Clogg - while having no actual de facto political relevance in the greater scheme of things - has set his sights on other matters political to get himself mired in controversy - giving the exam affray a wide berth and staying with his latest concocted EUSSR rallying cry of ‘British jobs for immigrant workers’ that has caught a hail of critical grapeshot from unions who want to see immigration curbed to the levels proposed by Nick Griffin’s ultra-racist ‘Hate-a-Wog’ Party and the EDL’s venom-mongering fascist scumbags.

This pair of misanthropic, jingoist organisations are pushing for a ban on the UK’s myriad of Renta-Pikey employment agencies hiring only low-wage overseas workers who can’t speak English and therefore are unable to read HSE safety signs – and thus should be automatically barred from any UK workplace – along with foreign cockle pickers who can’t swim.

The EDL’s chief spokesman Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher told one reporter from the Xenophobes Review “It’s about effin’ time we started lookin’ after our own across the entire expanse of the employment market – especially when yer got the UK’s advertising an’ insurance industry dominated by an effin’ bulldog wot only sez “Oh Yes” and a gaggle of meerkats wiv Polack accents.”

Back with 'Flipper' Gove’s plans to turn the entire education system arse over tit, the man himself was summoned before the House of Conmans assembly to answer questions from MPs concerning his scheme – which he attempted to justify with a double helping of his customary rhetorical gibberish.

Gove claims that if his master plan is given the go-ahead students would begin studying for tougher O-level style exams in English, Maths and Rocket Science from this year’s September term ready, for their exams in 2016.
Less academic pupils (thickies) would sit a different - more straightforward - exam, like crayoning in Dot to Dot colouring books and if gifted enough to be able to read and write, then practice filling out welfare benefit application forms in preparation for a life of reporting to the Jobcentre every two weeks.

Conversely, on behalf of New Labour, shadow schools minister Arthur Moron opined to Parliament that Pob’s flawed scheme would take the exam system back to the Dickensian days of Dotheboys Hall, receiving brimstone and treacle and a good clout with an ashplant from head teacher Twatford Squeers Esq.

Moron, a former economics advisor to Gordon Brown, not content with being thought by contemporaries to be a complete turkey, then went on to prove them correct and caused a veritable riot of laughter through his flawed grasp of elementary arithmetic by stating for the public record that the GCSE system was working just fine - as in 1997 three in ten pupils scored excellent grades – the equivalent of 60%.

Thought for the day: So, Lib-Dums versus the Tories: this equation also comes down to basic maths really – two political parties into one policy simply won’t go.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Pob - lol's. Gove looks like a direct clone.