Thursday, 21 June 2012

Tax-Dodging Tories Call Kettle ‘Black Arse’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In response to repeated spasms of heckling concerning Broken Britain’s latest tax-dodging scandal from a group of inebriated gutter press hacks drinking in the La Putas Bar, Posh Dave Scameron, while attempting to ‘chillax’ over a jug of Marguerites with Argentine President Cristina de Kirchner following a hard day’s slog at the G20 summit in Los Twatos, Mexico, lost his rag and spit the dummy – telling de Kirchner to “shut the fuck up about the Falklands – you’re not having them back” - then turned on one reporter, Ron McScrote of the Ripoffs Gazette, and declared for the public record and posterity that the personal tax arrangements of comedian (sic) Jimmy Carr were ‘morally repugnant’.

Now there’s a classical piece of hypocrisy – ‘morally repugnant’ indeed. Posh Dave, aka 'Austerity Man' needs to take another look at the petty criminal embezzlement antics of the personal expenses-fiddling MPs in the House of Conmans before the frying pan starts calling the kettle ‘black arse’.

Typically - with Scameron being over in Mexico and Mick Clogg running the Downing Street ‘Dog & Pony Show’ – and his finger being off the pulse of the nation, he copped unawares the shock revelations over thousands of celebrity and rich list scumbags being exposed in the UK media as serial tax dodgers using a Jersey-based aggressive avoidance scheme known as the ‘K9 Ball-Breaker’ to cheat HMRC and the Treasury out of £168 million quid a year in revenue.

The hapless Carr copped for the main barrage of incoming media flack viz offshore tax dodges after he was confronted over his financial arrangements during a show at Smegmadale-on-Sea, when one Bolshie audience member, unimpressed with Carr’s brand of humour shouted "Yer an effin’ dog wanker wot’s about as funny as a course of chemotherapy – an’ yer don't pay taxes either, yer fiddlin’ kunt."

Interviewed by the Tax Dodgers Weekly at the G20 summit, Scameron elaborated on his previous evening’s outburst, stating “These K9 style schemes for doing Chancellor Osborne out of due taxes - and here I’m think particularly of this dodge of Jimmy Carr’s - regardless of the fact he’s just another pikey peon who never went to Eton – they are morally wrong.”

“The common herd work very hard – well, if they have jobs and pay their taxes, and they save up all year to buy tickets go to one of his boring shows, and Carr’s taking the money from those tickets and putting all of that into some very dodgy tax avoiding schemes in sodding Jersey – and that is very naughty – even if it is legal.”

"Frankly, in my opinion, people like this Carr character who dodge the tax system are the moral equivalent of kiddie fiddlers and serial killers and should be tagged and on curfews – and have their names in the Sex Offenders Register so the HMRC know where to find them if they don’t file their tax returns on schedule.”

To add to the burgeoning brouhaha, New Labour MPs are after the scalp of ‘Take That’ band member Gary Barlow, who has just been awarded an OBE for his £26 million quid contributions to the K9 Ball-Breaker offshore tax evasion scheme.

Following reports of Scameron’s outbursts, the BBC (Biased Brainwashing Corporation) News Channel's chief political correspondent Norm Scrunt opined that having failed to engage brain prior to opening mouth and wading into the tax avoidance row, there will be a wave of political pressure aimed at both Scameron and Chancellor Osborne to take action against the individuals and schemes concerned – including their own scumbag Tory rich list donors.

Speaking with a press hack from the Numb Kunts Review over a couple of pints of Topless Totty real ale in the House of Conmans Stranglers Bar last night, the ginger-mingin Lib-Dum Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, a born and bred penny-pinching, parsimonious porridge wog, claimed he found it outrageous that the wealthiest people were using ever more obscure and underhand methods to avoid tax. "Abuse of the tax system for personal gain is, of course, never acceptable," then concluded his diatribe with what might well prove a drastic self-immolating career-crucifying comment of "No matter how rich or famous you might be, our HMRC heavies are coming to get you."

To quote the moronic Alexander: “Abuse of the tax system for personal gain is never acceptable.”
Let’s be honest as this is the entire purpose of it – for personal enrichment and keep it out of the wastrel hands of the HMRC and the spendthrift Exchequer.
Hmmm, yet another ‘hypocrisy first’ as it was the Conservative elitists, those possessed with this absurd sense of entitlement and abuse of privilege who conjured these laws up and implemented them to protect their wealth in the first place.

Laughably, Alexander’s revelations come a mere fortnight after Peter Cruddball, the former Tory party co-treasurer, was forced to resign after he was filmed doing a spot of influence peddling and flogging ‘up close and personal’ meetings with Posh Dave Scameron for £250,000 per shot.

Tory Party Treasurer Lord Stan ‘The Man’ Ratfink who made zillions as head of the First Shylock Bank of International Usury before moving on to become known as the Capo dei Capi ‘Godfather’ of the UK’s hedge-cutting industry, confided to press hacks that “Just wait and see who’s donating anything to our party coffers if they stamp down on the K9 Ball-Breaker tax dodge scheme.”

“The party’s ex-deputy-chairman, Baron Gashcroft’s going to be staying over in that Third World jungle shithole of Belize, shacked up with his toyboys and whores - and there’s going to be a flight of investment capital and business registrations.”

“We’ve already got that moron Osborne clamping down on the practice of wealthy people minimising their tax bills to zero through charitable donations. Hence previously uncapped tax reliefs - including charitable donations – will be capped at £50,000, or 25% of a person's income – and this is a factor fraught with unfathomable consequences.”

A total of forty-six ‘Rich & Shameless’ charity donors recently wrote to the Daily Shitraker stating that tax relief was not their only motive for donating, and the cap would prove a brake on acts of voluntary philanthropy.
High and mighty signatories to the Daily Shitraker letter include Lord Mammon of the Mammon & Snobfords retail chain and Clare Pukesbury of The Three Stoogies Trust – along with Lady Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle of the Pikeys Crotch Institute; Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock; Aldous de Sleazebag-Mountebank; Baron Hamon de Mattoid; and Lord Angus Stairrod, chief of Scotland’s Axminster and Wilton clans.

Venture capitalist Jon Moulting, the chair of Flatbroke Investments, who has donated more than £30 quid to the Conservatives since 2004 on the off-chance of securing a life peerage - or at least a mention in a future Birthday Honours list - also expressed his disagreement with George Osborne's economic strategy.

“I sent the Treasury a memo tellin’ them my opinion on the donations thingy an’ the K9 tax-dodge scheme wot’s run outa Jersey an’ sez why don’t yer do a U-turn like wot yer done wiv the effin’ pasties an’ the caravans coz of political pressure from yer pikey voters but they’ve taken no effin’ notice.”
“Typical, me Mum always said I should have donated ter the Lib-Dums – an’ if yer hadn’t had all them poofters like that Jeremy Thorpe bloke runnin’ things then I might have done.”

Thought for the day. With the HMRC tax code handbook consisting of 11,500 pages – the longest in the world – and riddled with conflicting regulations and complexities, then it’s of little surprise that anyone with two brain cells to rub together will discover ingenious loopholes to exploit the system and avoid paying their full whack of (or any) taxes to the HMRC.

Regardless, let the HMRC outlaw tax dodges and see who on the Rich List – corporate and individuals - continues to donate to the kamikaze political party which is suicidal enough to implement that moronic reform.

Broken Britain in a 1930’s slump, so forget the euphemistic blather about ‘double-dip mini recessions and other such bullshit, the sad state of affairs this once-proud nation finds itself in are perhaps better described as a ‘Depression’ – with a large capital ‘D’.

And as for the antics of politicians and banksters alike – they’re lower than a gopher’s bollocks – and like all bottom feeders and pondscum who worship before the altar of Mammon there is no such thing as ‘enough’ – only ‘More!’

Now for a ‘Hypocrisy Moment’: This week Posh Dave Scameron has the brazen audacity to label Jimmy Carr as an immoral tax-dodging scumbag - yet only ‘yesterday’ when challenged on the £285 quid per annum ‘Flash Harry’ tax-dodging antics of Tory Party super-donor Sir Philip ‘Sweatshop Shylock’ Green replied for the public record “I’m not getting into an individual’s tax affairs”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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