Jubilee Volunteers in ‘Work 4 Nowt’ Con

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A group of hapless unemployed peasants, hostages to their own dire financial predicaments, this morning revealed to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that they were recruited via the Jobcentre Plus – that terminal landfill site for human resources - and bussed to London to act as stewards to marshal the Queen's Jubilee crowds and promised accommodation, meals and ‘above minimum wage’ pay while in the City – plus the free use of a Boris Bike to get around on.

However after stepping off the buses and miles from home they were told they wouldn't be receiving any pay as this was classed as "work experience" for the 65th ‘Sapphire Jubilee’ scheduled to take place in 2017 - if the old bat hadn’t croaked by then and we had Prince Chazzer, the Plant Whisperer, on the throne and running things just as badly.

30 jobseekers and a further 50 homeless scrotes dossing in bus shelters and shop doorways were rounded up and promised £2.80 an hour for the three-day event, then shipped to London by coach from such faraway de-industrialised dumps as Smegmadale, Slutborough and Twatworth-on-Sea as part of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society volunteer ‘Work 4 Nowt’ programme.

On arrival, late Saturday night, they were told to pitch tents in the pissing rain on a concrete floor, sleep under the nearest bridge, and use the Thames as a toilet – then be up bright and early to start marshalling the herds of brainless sycophants gathering to watch the ostentatious river pageant.

Chantelle McSkanger, a 17-year old mother of three, bussed in from Slutborough, related to media hacks post-event “I got me Mum ter look after the kids fer the weekend cos this sounded like a good opportunity ter get signed on as a steward fer the Olympics an’ earn a few bob ter pay fer me drugs an’ shit. When we gets ter London it woz pissin’ down wiv rain right proper like, an’ we get issued wiv a cheapo see-through plastic poncho an’ ends up kippin’ under Blackfriars Bridge – an’ that’s real scary like cos when yer look up there’s all these Vatican bankers wiv ropes round their necks hanging down like batty bats.”

Ron Scumm, a spokesman for Up-Close Protection SA confirmed the unpaid work for the jubilee events was a trial for actual paid roles at the forthcoming Olympic Games, for which it had also won a stewarding contract to staff with any fucker and their dog possessing the required IQ to pass a standard ‘Moron Test’ – along with G4S and other Renta-Thug security agencies.

So there you have it – the Libservative Coalition resorting to slave labour to balance the books. £32 million wasted on the Diamond Jubilee blow-out – but nary a brass farthing left for the unemployed volunteers conned into acting as wardens. Not that far back in the history of our once-sceptred isle, the term was ‘press-ganged’.

The eponymous ‘Hanlon’s Razor’ adage of “never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity” besides - perhaps, employing a spot of 20/20 hindsight and logic over rhetoric, might not disingenuous promises by a deceitful and corrupt government quango or rip-offs pseudo security agencies be responsible for the ‘volunteer recruit’s’ coerced predicament?

Thought for the day. That's the essence of Scameron’s Big Society spirit – reluctant volunteers treated as cast-off, subhuman rubbish and beneath contempt.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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