Vatican still Extorting the Gullible

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

That two Millenniums old monument to mass deceit, graft and corruption – founded upon the biggest Rock of Ages confidence trick ever pulled on a gullible global population - the venal Roman Catholic Church, notorious for its history of diminished responsibility - is back in the money-grubbing ‘soft-extortion’ business – promoting the sinful sale of plenary indulgences to those sad individuals who believe in myths and need a religious crutch – and don’t fancy a protracted spell in Purgatory – nor the rest of Eternity spent stoking the infernal fires of Hades with low carbon synthetic anthracite.

So much for Martin Luther spitting the proverbial dummy back in 1517 and nailing his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of the ‘Schloßkirche’ (All Saints Church) in Wittenberg as a protest against the unholy Vatican-approved practices of flogging plenary indulgences and ecclesiastical preferments – a rebellious action that kick started the Reformation and the Protestant schism which eventually brought about an ecclesiastical ban on simony – while sodomy and pederasty continued to thrive to the present day.

Luther was excommunicated by Pope Leo the Twat in 1521 with the issue of the Decet Romanum Pontificem condemning his Bolshie belligerence and polemic discourses which disputed the Vatican’s claim that freedom from God's punishment for sin could be purchased with money – following which he was forced to live on a diet of worms. (Que - something lost in the translation here?)

Speaking to one press hack from the Simony Gazette in Rome, Cardinal Guido Corruptioni confided that even though the church officially broke with the age-old practice of selling ‘sin now – pray later’ indulgences back in 1567, if you do something good then the Church will absolve a person of their nasty misdeeds.

“So how do you get a plenary indulgence granted, you might ask. Well, a very large monetary donation wouldn't go amiss toward earning one. Same as if you want a nice cushy little ecclesiastical preferment for one of the family to set them up for life – the tried and tested route is via charitable contributions to the Church – and just leave the cheque’s ‘Payee’ and ‘amount’ sections blank and we’ll fill that side of things in.”

Do you need a double dose of eternal salvation and a ‘Get out of Purgatory fast’ pass? Just drop a bunch of large denomination banknotes onto the offertory plate, and Pope Benny, the Mk 16 German built to last ‘Ratflinger’ model, will have one of his slimy Curia’s Cardinals fire off a text to St Peter guaranteeing you free and safe passage through the Gates of Heaven.

Provocative thought for the day: One is tempted to ponder what Luther, scowling at the world alike Diogenes before him, would have made of the globally-burgeoning Roman Catholic Church kiddie fiddling scandal, women priests and the sanctioning of gay / same sex marriages by Western society.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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