Disgraced MP Laws Preaches Austerity

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The former Lib-Dum Chief Secretary to the Treasury, David ‘Dimples’ Laws, (aka ‘Laws unto Himself’) has stated for the public record that in his egoistic sadistic sociopathic opinion the government should push their public spending hack and burn ‘scorched earth’ policy even further into the welfare benefits sphere despite the economic devastation the austerity measures have already inflicted on the common herd.

Obviously Laws has long since pawned his moral franchise and whatever credibility he might have once possessed due the documented record of embezzling public funds to ‘feather’ a shirt-lifter’s love nest and so maintain the privacy of his illicit sexual affair with another male of the species. Here the closet case Laws illegally claimed an excess of £40,000 quid in Parliamentary expenses to pay for a flat he rented from James Fudgie, with whom he had what the Holy Bible’s Old Testament Book of Leviticus refers to as an abominable beast with two backs relationship.

To wit, the hypocrisy-ridden Laws appears to flaunt his corrupt, dishonest notoriety and harbours no problem with pontificating on adopting further draconian measure to slash welfare benefits and public spending for the marginalised unemployed and homeless proletariat who are unable to claim Parliamentary expenses to fund their ‘second homes’ – or even subsidise the exorbitant costs of a ‘first’.

The pinch-faced Laws - who is believed to be preparing himself to do a ‘Peter Scandalson’ (Lord Vermin in Ermine of Fartlepool) and shamelessly shrug off his past ignominy of being repeatedly sacked from the elitist upper echelons of government for being a crooked twat and placing his own dodgy agendas before the public’s good - was forced to resign as MP for Old Fudgers (the seat previously represented by former Lib-Dum leader Paddy Pantsdown) over the afore-mentioned expenses scandal in 2010 - and claimed during an interview with the Embezzler’s Gazette that the government should reduce its handouts to peasants from 35% to a flat rate of zero.

After he was found guilty of being a thieving twat by Parliament’s Standards and Privileges Committee, the ginger-mingin Laws was suspended from the House of Conmans for seven days and sent home with a copy of Prince Chazzer’s ‘Plant Whispering for Dummies’ on gardening leave, to tend to his love nest’s window box and aspidistra.

New Labour MP, Genghis ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, the shadow secretary for extraordinary rendition, demanded that New Scotland Yard mount a criminal investigation into the matter, informing a press hack from the Ripoffs Review at the time "If any other fucker or their dog had fraudulently claimed for £50,000 nicker in expenses and fielded a pathetic defence that they only did it to conceal the fact they were a shirt-lifting bumboy, then they’d have got the book thrown at them."

Thought for the day: Around the time of the disastrous 2010 general election, it was alleged that Laws, with his head so far up his own arrogant arse as per usual, confided in a Conservative colleague, Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, the MP for Old Scrotum, on the promise he wouldn’t tell more than a dozen, that he would have joined the Tory Party if not for the fact of the Twatcher government's introduction of Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988, which forbade local authorities from intentionally, or otherwise, promoting the questionable joys of homosexual sodomic relationships.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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