Monday, 4 June 2012

UK Peasantry Stricken with Jubilee Madness

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Millions of the TV / media lobotomised population of our once-sceptred isle of Albion have become infected with a serious bout of QDJ Madness Syndrome (Queen's Diamond Jubilee).

Legions of cap-doffing peasants, kitted out with fresh heraldic tattoos of the royal coat of arms pledging their moronic allegiance, appear all set for a flag-waving ‘3 B’s’ (Bunting, Barbies and Boozing) extravaganza weekend – to celebrate 60 years of misrule by Queen Brenda of Haus Sachsen-Coburg und Gotha - and getting ‘regally’ ripped off supporting her extended family of scrounging Second Estate parasites, plus the innumerable assortment of freeloading, deadleg aristocrats and too the sycophantic flunkies that serve the myriad monarchical households.

The weekend's main celebrations include Sunday’s River Thames pageant involving a flotilla of 1,000-plus water-borne craft manned by every fucker and their dog – with boatloads of unwashed welfare benefit-cadging immigrants sneaking craftily in under the distracted scrutiny of the Borders Agency.

The start of Sunday’s celebrations was signalled by a 21-gun salute fired from a Royal Navy warship, HMS Scrapheap Challenge, anchored in the Thames off Greenwich – with the score-plus of 4.5 inch HE shells passing high over the City before impacting the East End’s Slumborough Hamlets landfill site and killing entire flocks of shit-eating seagulls – and several pikey scavengers.

After showing off her water skiing skills while being towed along in the wake of the Gloriana, a royal galley powered by 18 whores and rowed to a brisk ‘Flight of the Bumblebee’ drumbeat tempo, Queen Lizzie (Brenda to family) and her useless tosser of an ex-Nazi husband, the workshy Greek gigolo, His Royal Rudeness Prince Philip Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gl├╝cksburg – aka Stavros the Virus Man - disembarked at Tower Bridge and pedalled around London on a couple of bikes loaned from Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense.

Adding to the Busby Berkeley style theatrical bedlam, the RAF’s Red Arrows aerobatic team screeched overhead at Mach 2 and staged yet another of their mid-air head-on collision snafus while attempting to dodge a volley of Shitstreak missiles launched from atop blocks of flats around the Olympic Stadium – while Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters teamed up with opera diva Titsup Trollenberg to sing a hip-hop rap version the National Anthem in Trafalgar Square.

Following their boat trip up the Thames, the bat-eared Prince Chazzer and his chain-smoking troll of a missus, Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, along with Prince Willy and Kate Middleclass – and the ginger-mingin royal cuckoo Harry Hewitt, joined a London street party where Chazzer displayed his ‘plant whispering’ skills to cure one Grandma’s blight-ridden aspidistra – and tucked into a feast of pickled tripe and Spam sandwiches.

These were just a sampling of the events scheduled to mark 60 years of Queen Brenda’s misrule of Broken Britain – which are set to culminate on Monday evening with a song or two from the septuagenarian crooner Sir Cliff Richard – fresh from his latest Botox treatment at a Harley Street taxidermists – as the inbred Royal Family make a balcony appearance at Fuckingham Palace to have their lazy arses kissed by queuing columns of rain-drenched peasants falling over themselves to pay tribute to our un-elected head of state - while the more cognisant members of British society still capable of thinking for themselves simply aren’t interested in such pathetic exhibitions of fawning.

When ‘austerity-stricken’ Britain’s disgusting ‘Weekend of Waste’ (£32 million quid of the taxpayers money) finally culminates at 22:00 BST on Monday evening, more than 4,000 beacons are due to be lit across the UK.

As Queen Brenda ignites the final National Beacon by rubbing two Boy Scouts together at 22:30 BST, this will be accompanied by a mixed bag of a dozen of MI6’s brainwashed ‘false flag’ Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorists detonating their Semtex vests around the Queen Victoria Memorial opposite Buckingham Palace in a one-off display of ‘Synchronised Suicide Bombing’.

Conversely, the anti-monarchist campaign group ‘Regicide Now!’ all wearing T-shirts bearing the portrait of that Yorkshire stalwart Guy Fawkes, were out in force to broadcast the fact their burgeoning members are sick to the back teeth with our manky Monarch and the rest of the mongrel Second Estate - and too their absurd sense of entitlement and abuse of privilege.
The ‘primary protest’ consisted of a loud, bold and provocative bare-arsed ‘mooning’ demonstration in full view of the royal barge as Brenda and her clan of inbred mutant relatives watched the pageant pass through Tower Bridge.

Baz McSkanger, spokesman for the Bolshie group, informed a reporter from the Anarchy Today gutter press tabloid “Serves them right they’ve copped for a dowry of parmy all Sunday wot’s really pissed on their bonfire.”
“Doubtless the likes of Marx would make great industry out of this ostentatious waste of fuckin’ money debacle staged just ter keep the moronic peasantry distracted an’ entertained wiv a display of cheap Vaudeville pageantry.”

“Yer got the Tory PM Posh Dave Scameron an’ that twat George Osborne hammerin’ the shit out of us wiv their ‘austerity measures’ an’ slashin’ public spendin’ an’ we got millions unemployed an’ homeless, sleepin’ in doorways or under a blanket of polly bags on landfill sites – and they go blowin’ £32 million nicker out of the public purse on Queen Brenda’s vulgarian Diamond Jubilee celebration. These are the very twats who’ve done more than their fair share in adding the word ‘Broken' to Britain.”

“Then we have this beacon lightin’ all over the effin’ country. Que? WTF? Are we expectin’ the Spanish Armada again? Wot a waste of firewood – and squanderin’ our precious carbon exchange cap n trade credits – all goin’ up in a cloud of fuckin’ smoke.”

“This hereditary ‘divine right ter rule’ bullshit is offensive ter the democratic values this country has fought for. We say get shut of all the royals - the fuckin’ lot - along wiv Wales an’ Northern Ireland – an’ that bunch of porridge wog ingrates north of Hadrian’s Wall – the taciturn Scots. Let them have their effin’ independence, then turn England inter a Republic.”

Thought for the day: In a pathetic attempt to secure himself a mention in a future Royal Birthday Honours list, New Labour leader Ed Millipede (yet another frog who dreams of being a toad) opined to one press hack from the Grovellers Gazette that the weekend's festivities would celebrate "everything that is best about our country" and praised the Queen's "selfless dedication to duty".
Oh yes, nice one Ed, 10 out of 10 for being a creep.

One a par with Ed’s toadying, forty sycophantic MPs have added their X’s and thumbprints to a letter supporting a controversial plan to rename London’s most famous and iconic landmark, Parliament’s Big Ben clock tower, irrespective of the results of a YouGov poll which revealed massive opposition from multi-millions of the UK public.

In a formal letter to the House of Conmans Commission the brown-nosing British lawmakers lent their support to the plan to rename the tower ‘Big Brenda’ to mark the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, the 60th anniversary of her ascension to the British throne.

Hilarious anecdote: As a child, Brenda confided in her donkey riding instructor that but for her destiny she would have liked to be a lady living in the country surrounded by animals. Que? In all reality she is – surrounded by the common herd of long-suffering sheeple – us. Alas she has now far evolved past childish thoughts and holds a deep disdain for common humanity – a most typical elitist eugenicist trait even though her gene line is Lippizaner-deficient and the DNA contaminated through centuries of interbreeding.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious

Anonymous said...

That's a hoot!

Anonymous said...

Jubilee Beacons? How about a bunch of unemployed Asbo scallies petrol-bombing a few police stations again. They should burn pretty well with all the dead wood in them.

Anonymous said...

Synchronised Suicide Bombing display - what a cracker

Fletch said...

Jubillee booze up too much for Prince Phillip - he's now in hospital with a sick willy infection