UK Welfare State now a ‘Sick Joke’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Much to the angst of Lib-Dum leader and Coalition Deputy PM, Nick ‘Back Seat’ Clegg, Broken Britain’s Slime Minister, Posh Dave Scameron, has adopted the bright idea that people under the age of 25 will henceforth lose the right to housing benefit as part of the government’s continuing moves to reduce the nation’s welfare bill to absolute zero - and if possible achieve Chancellor Osborne’s wet dream fantasy – by turning a steady profit out of the unemployed, homeless masses of hapless, marginalised Brits.

Scameron’s announcement comes after reviewing yet another fatally-flawed hare-brained scheme conjured up by the necromancers at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next – a plan once more fraught with unintended, drastic consequences that will come around 360 and eventually bite them squarely on the arse – especially so in the next election.

In an interview with the Penny Pincher’s Gazette, Austerity Dave revealed that scrapping housing benefits for the under-25’s age group would save almost £2 billion quid per annum – which could then be used to further finance the New World Order’s foreign wars of aggression and fighting Islamic terrorism – plus bailing out the Rothshite crime syndicate’s insolvent banks.

On behalf of the Lib-Dums, their ginger-mingin Treasury Secretary Danny Alexander – suspected by many to be a ‘closet Tory’ – informed press hacks that his department was right behind any radical move of Scameron’s that cut public spending and this proposal to slash housing benefit besides, he would like to see the policy include the wasteful welfare payments made to senior citizens – from the already-diminished winter fuel allowance to old age state pensions.

“Really, it’s about time these useless eater wrinklies came to their sodding senses, got with the programme and embraced the UN’s Agenda 21 euthanasia campaign – along with the chronic sickies and disabled and any other sod and their dog who’s no longer a contributing member of polite society – especially so all these young single mothers who should be forcibly ligated and back living with their parents.”

Conversely, Jack Armitage-Shanks, the Lib-Dum MP for Borkum Riff, warned that the priority was to get young people into work, training or further education, thus avoid repeating the mistakes of the Twatcher era 1980’s and prevent them being stigmatised as ‘the generation of the unemployed’ as they had in the 1980’s under the misrule of Mental Maggie’s Tory government.

“The Conservatives are now harvesting what they’ve sown, as this jobless landscape is the direct result of the Twatcher era de-industrialisation policy when a union-hating menopausal harpy with more than one screw loose was unleashed on Britain to eradicate the prefix ‘Great’ and replace it with ‘Broken’.”

“In my opinion Scameron and Clegg need to rethink this half-baked scheme through and have a show of hands-up ‘mea culpa’ – same as they did with the pasties and pikey ‘no-roll’ caravans VAT – and the intended 3 pence rise on fuel duty in August - before they drive young people to desperation – shoplifting and a host of other profitable criminal activities – and end up as an unwanted financial burden on the state in the guise of HMP jailbirds that only benefits the G4S Renta-Thug Security Agency.”

“The government slash benefit payments, so welfare dependents have less to spend on decent food items, then people start to get malnourished and depressed over the reduced quality of their lives when they can’t pay their Sky Sports subscriptions or afford an ounce of rolling tobacco or a couple of cans of Old Headbanger lager - and that immediately has a very negative knock-on effect on the NHS GPs and hospitals when they get sick and start committing suicide – even if it does boost profits for undertakers and the Big Pharma corporations.”

“Further, a silver spoon elitist of Scameron’s breed should have the survival instinct naunce to reflect back on the events of 1789 and 1917 and the causes of those incendiary class mutinies before he and his over-privileged ilk push the common herd into a corner of socio-economic privation that kick starts Revolution 2012.”
“None of this augers well as the arrogant Tories have overlooked the fact their policies have driven the established middle class to the point of mass extinction, and now there’s no buffer zone between the 1% Haves and the 99% Have Nots.”

Chantelle McSkanger, an unemployed 16-year old mother of three living on Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, and studying on the Open University for an NVQ1 Diploma in Welfare Benefit Fraud, had this to say to the BBC’s roving news team.
“Austerity Dave’s a right twat, an’ out ter slash young couples, an’ single mother’s housing benefits - ter force us ter sell our kids ter some swan-roasting Balkans gyppo sex slave traffickin’ gang an’ go out floggin’ our gollies ter a bunch of Paki taxi driver pimps round Rochdale if the Jobcentre has got sweet fuck all ter offer.”

Thought for the day. Well, so much for Delusional Dave’s electioneering core pitch to voters of Compassionate Conservatism and his Big Society - run by lots of subservient, unemployed volunteers. All proved to be yet another verbal outpouring of aspirational waffle that has manifested as more at scent than substance as they ditch the ‘Compassionate’ experiment in the ‘failed’ bin and return to the traditional pursuit of nasty Tory ‘Them and Us’ social divide policies.

After being dragged into two world wars during the last Century and innumerable conflicts – major and otherwise – wouldn’t a person think that our once-sceptred isle deserves a better class of politician than the moronic deadwood we are forever cursed with?

To wit, in March the government's Welfare Reform Act received ‘Royal Assent’, which applies to England, Scotland and Wales, and introduces an annual cap on benefits and welfare payments.

Yes, ‘Royal Assent’ – approved by Brenda, aka Queen ‘Big 60’ Lizzie, who, along with her tribe of idle-arsed sponging relatives, has never done a day’s work in her life and between the scrounging lot of them represent the largest group of top-dollar welfare benefit recipients in the known Universe.

Housing benefit cuts indeed - let’s start with slashing the funding of Buck’s Palace, then Windsor Castle, Kensington Palace, St James’s, Clarence House, Sandringham, Frogmore, Holyrood House and Balmoral Castle. Then we’ll focus on unemployment benefits and pensions as it’s a fair bet Brenda and Stavros have more that £16,000 quid banked away somewhere safe.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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