Saturday, 2 June 2012

BP Dumps Russian Joint Venture Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The beleaguered British Petroleum, voted Global Polluter of the Year 2011 following the catastrophic fuck up with their Deepshit Horizon oil well blowout in the Gulf of Mexico, has announced it is finally dumping its stake in the TNK-BP Russian oil and gas exploration joint venture.

In a statement given to London press hacks from the steps of the company’s head office in St James’s Square, BP spokeswoman Candida Mingerot related that the company’s Yankee redneck CEO Blob Dudley had received ‘unsolicited indications of interest’ in acquiring its shares from the very same ex-Lubyanka FSB thugs working for the Georgian Mafia group that recently snuffed Mikhail Kravchenko in a public shoot-out to seize control of his £130 million-a-year flat pack art nouveau furniture business – apparently an offer the Dudley and the BP board of directors in Moscow consider that, in the interests of continued good health, they would be unwise to refuse.

BP has endured years of difficult and fractious relations with the troika of zillionaires, who control the TNK / AAR consortium, comprised of Russian oligarchs Oleg Mobsaroubles of Gulag Gaz, Vladimir Lotsatottie of Wankprom Energy, and last but not least, Michail Sackashit, Chairman of the state-owned Rosstheft Oil – all of whom came to be industrial powers unto themselves and founded their commercial empires on the tide of Wild West capitalism that followed the collapse of the Communism regime when Boris Yeltsin’s shelf life expired.

The gospel according to whistle-blowing Politburo insiders with their own axes to grind, reports snitched to the Korruption Gazette last night at Moscow’s prestigious Vulgarians Club reveal the BP take-over was mandated by the Ministry for Ripoffs & Acquisitions – with players acting on orders from Russian Premier Vlad Putrid and his Kremlin crime syndicate.

London-based investment consultant Ivan ‘Pitbull’ Nosdork, an exiled former KGB cormorant strangler, informed the Daily Shitraker “BP’s board and management should have seen this coming long ago for it is nothing more than yet another of these Monty Python joint venture schemes where the foreign partner invests what international banksters refer to as lots and lots of money – then the Russian partners throw a couple of large, disruptive spanners into the works, steal the lot - and the Kremlin gang deport the losers before they can complain to the Plodsky Squadsky and make some stink.”

“This is the fundamental commercial principal of the Russian version of Capitalism – what is referred to in the West as ‘daylight robbery’ – but in Russia they do it in the dark also.”

Thought for the day. Anyone who bears a resentful grudge against the Seven Sisters for the ever-rising exorbitant price of filling up the family motor – and too being directly responsible for many of the world’s socio-political ills will might perhaps draw comfort and a cynical satisfaction that each of the Western majors who ever engaged in joint ventures with Putin’s evil empire have ended up getting shafted.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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