NY Cardinal up for Nobel ‘Hypocrisy’ Prize

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The word on the streets of shitty Stockholm (a veritable hotbed of twitching curtains and slanderous fishwife gossip and innuendo) is that the numero uno contender for the 2012 Nobel Prize for Hypocrisy is none other than the Vatican’s duplicitous Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan of the Great Satan’s Big Apple Diocese.

Not only in Sweden is Dolan being touted as the Hypocrisy Prize favourite, but too by Flatbrokes, the UK’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, who are offering top notch odds on the Cardinal being the favourite to be awarded the coveted Nobel medal for his outstanding two-faced bigotry and vindictive promotion of galloping homophobia.

Cardinal Dolan has single-handedly - at a full gallop, mud-splattered and high in oath - led the Vatican-mandated battle charges in the New World against contraception, abortions and same-sex marriage – going so far as to describe gay and lesbian unions as ‘unjust, immoral, and unnatural’ - and uttering brimstone and fire condemnations, fingering the practitioners of such evil sexual perversions as the Sons and Daughters of Satan – quoting the Old Testament’s Book of Leviticus to brand all shirt-lifting fudgers and rug-munching dykes as ‘Abominations’.

A totally brainwashed Catholic of arch-Jesuit proportions, who as a child never had a train set or toy fort and soldiers – and most definitely not a decadent Barbie doll’s house – Dolan made himself a model church out of breakfast cereal packets and played at holding Mass and taking confessions from his nine-year old schoolyard contemporaries – flogging off benefices and indulgences in exchange for their lunch money.

Conversely, in what is now manifesting into a burgeoning scandal of Apocalyptic proportions, church documents revealing that the choleric Cardinal paid off paedo’ priests who had been accused of kiddie fiddling suggest that the prominent Catholic leader was willing to overlook these very same religious convictions to assist colleagues accused of egregious wrong doing and conceal the ignominy and shame of their crimes.

Such is the guilt of the RC Church regarding half their priesthood being infected with chronic cases of ‘Kiddie Fiddling Syndrome’ and hence easy prey for rip-off artists that the Archdiocese of New York website bears reference to the non-profit support group ‘Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests’ - a phony victims outfit run by criminal elements of the NYPD who managed to extort millions of dollars out of the Vatican in exchange for their silence.

Dolan, a man clearly able to differentiate between the worth of a lie as opposed to the truth when his judgement is brought into question, had previously labelled the accusation that he made these payments "false, preposterous, and unjust”.

However, earlier this week, following an attack of conscience, and while speaking confidentially to a press hack from the Pederasts Gazette at his New York-based St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites, the Cardinal admitted that when he was the Archbishop of Milwaukee he had authorized payments of as much as $20,000 to priests guilty of molesting choir and altar boys - as an incentive to leave the priesthood rather than reporting them to the proper authorities and kick-starting a full-blown legal scandal.

Hmmm, we always understood Milwaukee to be ‘famous’ for Schlitz beer – not kiddie fiddling priests.

The most damning of the payments was one of £25,000 made to Fr. Aldous Cocksquirrel in 1998 - who had been accused of not only abusing scores of immigrant Haitian choir boys but was arrested by upstate NY police after being caught by a farmer shagging one of his sheep. Investigations revealed that the erring priest had a reputation of going for long country walks during the night and returning home with a smell of wet wool about his person.

While the holier-than-thou Cardinal now claims the one-off payment was an act of charity to help the HIV-positive Fr. Cocksquirrel pay for medical treatment, this damning revelation comes to light as Dolan and the Church are expanding their campaign against a government regulation aimed at increasing the health insurance coverage of contraception for women.

Thought for the day. Hypocrisy doesn’t even begin to describe the daily dealings of the Roman Catholic Church – itself a two-millennium confidence trick based on the fiction that some fabulous deity named God loves us all, there is forgiveness for our mortal, earthly sins, and Heaven offers eternal salvation along with five-star accommodations – harp and wings inclusive.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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