Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The management team at Devon’s Smegmadale-on-Sea NHS Trust Hospital have been branded ‘a bunch of penny-pinching scumbags’ after presenting staff with a Kit Kat choccie wafer bar apiece for winning a prestigious national award.
The hospital was named ‘Acute Healthcare Organisation of the Year’, an occasion that saw twenty of the senior staff celebrating on the night of the awards in London with a slap-up champagne dinner, followed by free lap dances at the notorious Takem Orloff’s strip club in Soho – while the remaining 4,000 workers received a 60 pence Kit Kat bar for their pain-staking efforts in winning the award.
The Harold Shipman NHS Foundation Trust for Clinical Excellence, which runs the hospital in question, was recognised in the Body Bag Review awards for the "best innovative money-saving ideas and dedication to parsimony".
Mrs Candida Ffinch-Gargoyle, the chief executive of the hospital trust, apologised to staff that were offended and offered a Penguin or Twix bar as a replacement.
Speaking to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette, Ffinch-Gargoyle explained that the gift had been misinterpreted by the nasty minds of a Bolshie minority and she had received hundreds of emails and texts from appreciative staff thanking her.
“Good grief, we simply can’t afford to have all 4,000-plus of our workforce going off on all-expenses paid junkets, hence the sensuous spa experience and weekend away in Paris prizes went to top management staff members who put so much effort into their jobs – such as myself.”
Conversely, Ron McScrote, spokesman for the GMB Union, informed the media that he had received around 4,000 complaints.
“It’s an effin’ insult ter any fucker’s intelligence an’ sensibilities. Yer got these bankster twats wot’s getting’ hundreds of thousands of quid annually in performance bonuses an’ wot the fuck do our members get fer their efforts? A soddin’ Kit-Kat each.”
“So old Missus Ffitch-Gargoyle can forget all this rhetorical flannel an’ blather an’ other excuses about Kit Kats bein’ the UK's best selling confectionery brand an’ thirteen billion of the two finger snacks bein’ sold worldwide every year. Those management tossers on the top floor got the five course dinner an’ a trip ter some lowlife whore bar – while the effin’ workers were made the laughin’ stock of British industry an’ copped fer a chocolate wafer biscuit each.”
Thought for the day. Rumours that runners-up in the forthcoming 2012 Olympic Games events are to be presented with 5-finger Kit-Kat bars in a ‘Silver’ or ‘Bronze’ wrapper have been roundly condemned as ‘a piece of shit-stirring black propaganda’ by the IOC’s Belgian President, Jacques Rogge.
No so, claims the IOC, it will be medals as usual – albeit stamped from recycled copper high tension pylon cables, purloined brass memorial plaques and plundered manhole covers.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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