Friday, 29 June 2012

Government Snooping Loyalty Card Data

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The details of a top secret report leaked to Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, by whistle-blowing moles working inside the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next reveals how the Libservatives plan to use store loyalty card data to snoop on the eating habits of millions of hapless British shoppers.

The documents copied by Ox-Rat snitches expose a dystopian plot contrived by Shitehall civil servants working in unison with Common Purpose, the sinister social engineering / NLP brainwashing group, to pressure major Greedy Grocer supermarket chains, such as Pestco, Pukesburys, and Mammon & Snobfords to provide access to confidential data which can display a graphic record of not only what customers buy but which brands they give preference to.

Even the prophetic Orwell didn’t perceive that his fictional Big Brother totalitarian state government would ever sink so low as to spy on the shopping habits of Britain's 25 million supermarket loyalty card holders – especially using the pathetic excuse the data will be used in an attempt to halt the UK's burgeoning obesity crisis.

Fellattia Titwank, spokeswoman for the Downing Street Cabinet’s Behavioural Insights Team – the nutty ‘Nudge Unit’ – informed one press hack from the Grassers Gazette that “Supermarkets have more information on the diets of the common herd than their own doctors. Whatever the sheeple buy, then the Greedy Grocers have it all on computer file, and that’s what they issue loyalty vouchers for.”
“So if ‘Mr Smith’ only buys Pikey Pete’s ‘Black Mambo Tickler’ condoms – size 9, then Pestco aren’t going to send him a £3 quid discount voucher for Durex ‘Cornhole Reamers’ – size 7, now are they.”

“What we’re after are the lowlifes who buy too much alcohol, fatty foods or soft drinks full of that toxic aspartame shite. With more of their sprogs turning out to be NEETs and being dangerously overweight then these people will be getting a surprise visit from our all-new Diet Squad, currently being recruited from the same Renta-Thug Security Agency where we get the PCSO and Community Enforcement morons – who are scheduled to get a crash course in ‘Food Crime’ enforcement from none other than the government’s own healthy eating tsar, Jamie Oliver.”

“So, if you’re a healthy eater, then you’ve got nothing to hide or be concerned about. On the other hand, if the processed data reveals a consumer buys a copy of the Bolshie Bastard’s Review or the Jolly Jihad Weekly – or big bags of weed killer and fertiliser – and they don’t even have a garden, then the chances are we’ve just pinpointed a nasty anarchist type - or Muslim terrorist.”

Thought for the day: Oh yes, here we go again – the Totalitarian Tip-Toe – as Broken Britain is slowly transformed from an egalitarian society into a land of twitching curtains and slanderous fishwife gossip. The jackboot’s first steps on the path to fascism are always ‘Hush Puppy’ soft.

While Orwell’s 1984 provides both alarming and prophetic insights to what a Dystopian state might manifest as, perhaps it is time, and again prudent, to remind PM Posh Dave Scameron and his Dog & Pony Show Libservative Coalition that the revelatory text was a ‘warning’ aimed at the common people – and definitely not a blueprint and instruction manual – Totalitarianism for Dummies - for governments to impose on their own voting public.

Regardless, fuck Big Brother (and his sister) and the New World Order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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