UK Schools to ‘Speak in Tongues’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In his unqualified arrogance, Broken Britain’s slack-jawed Education Secretary Michael ‘Pob’ Gove, acting on a study compiled by the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, and working in conjunction with the Parliamentary Committee for Wasting Time & Money, has decided that henceforth children from the age of five will study the classical poetry of our once-sceptred isle – along with the traditional virtues of spelling and grammar – and intends to make it mandatory they learn a foreign language from the age of seven – commencing with English for immigrant pupils.

However, Pob, the incumbent Tory MP for Slurry, started life as a Grampian Gaelic-speaking porridge wog, whose English language training came not from Nip and Fluff pop-up page books, nor a teaching college but rather acquired haphazardly while working as a gutter press hack for Raving Rupert Mudrock’s News Corp tacky red top tabloids.

Gove’s press secretary, Bev Titwank, informed one reporter from the Philistines Gazette that her boss was determined to make the teaching of English at primary school far more rigorous than it is at present, the intent being that kids would leave with higher standards of literacy - and further reverse the decline in pupils taking foreign languages at GCSE level by making them mandatory for the first time in a primary school education syllabus.

“The plans are expected to emphasise the importance of grammar, setting out exactly what children should be taught in each year of their primary schooling, as well as giving lists of key words and phrases they need to be able to spell to get on in the real world – such as Jobcentre, GP’s sick note, welfare benefit, disability allowance, discount booze – and a whole chain of offensive English expletives.”

“Our targets will obviously include the entire gamut of primary schools but we will be focusing specifically on these back-sliding inner city Asbo Central Academies – such as that notorious St Scally’s School for Latter Day Neds in Smegmadale where they set fire to the head teacher last term - and we want to see them offering lessons in Arabic and Mandarin, as well as French, German and Spanish.”

“We have a generation of scrotes and yobettes who’ve done more damage to the English language in the few years that this intellectually-enfeebling culture of cell phone text messaging has been around than the sodding Yanks did to it in the last 236 years – since the War of Independence when they threw all the Oxford English Dictionaries into Boston Harbour along with the Earl Grey tea.”

“So, with the youth of today being what we might, with political correctness aforethought, euphemistically describe as ‘culturally-deficient’, henceforth school pupils from the age of five will be expected to learn poetry and recite it with the correct cadence.”

“The programme of study being proposed will demand higher standards from five to eleven-year olds, with an elevated expectation of what pupils should know as they go through primary school – and if they fail to achieve the grades expected, then it will be our Big Society child labour camps up in the Pennines – working on the sheep dips and cutting peat.”

“Seriously, it’s little wonder that Britain’s gone to the dogs, the recession besides. All well and good these soap opera comedy programmes on the TV, such as Shameless and Bell Enders and Parliament Today – and things about fat gypsies having a poo in the sink. But it’s not rocket science to see where this is all heading – and who wants the next generation turning out like Boy George or Sharon Osborne or that Frank Gallagher and his tribe of layabout, thieving sprogs?”

Conversely Ron ‘Gnasher’ McTwatt, the shadow Education Secretary for the British National Party, opined to a reporter from the Xenophobes Gazette that the BNP’s core cabinet members were not at all happy with Gove’s proposals.
“So, where’s this ‘Pob’ bloke from – the Planet Fuckwit? Foreign effin’ languages from seven years old indeed - just take a peek around any of these school playgrounds or classrooms an’ half the effin’ kids can’t even speak fuckin’ English – an’ we got 650 MPs in the House of Conmans wot talks nowt but Bullshit.”

“So, wot’s it gonna be? French an’ German, or the old classical Latin an’ ancient Greek – or that other tongue-twister wot never caught on – Charlie Berlitz’s Esperanto? Really, Latin and Greek, I ask yer - the first one’s a dead language an’ only used by kiddie fiddlin’ Catholic priests ter say Mass - an’ the other’s no fuckin’ use unless yer miss yer flight home an’ get stuck in Athens on a begging mission.”

“This numpty scheme’s only gonna apply in England anyways, cos education issues are a devolved responsibility of the Welsh and Scottish governments - although why any sod wants ter learn Welsh is beyond me - hardly useful is it – unless yer have a bent for grooming sheep on Snowdon.”

“Wot’s botherin’ us in the BNP is the fact of our little Anglo-Saxon kids getting’ forced ter learn ter speak Urdu or Hindi or Swahili or some Balkans Pikey dialect so they can communicate wiv the short-arsed immigrant twat wot runs Achmed’s 24/7 Stop an’ Rob corner shop an’ speaks nowt but effin’ gobbledegook rubbish.”

“Then yer got these Paki an’ Afghan types goin’ ter night school ter learn English, but only so they can get a job as a taxi driver – an’ start a Facebook webpage ter pose as the Aga Khan’s cousin an’ groom their own personal harem of jailbait schoolgirls ter share wiv their scally mates round Rochdale.”

“As far as we see it, the whole thing’s just another effin’ tip-toe step ter imposin’ Scameron’s Big Brother totalitarian ‘Do as yer fuckin’ told’ police state – an’ devastatin’ the four pillars of our human identity: Race, Religion, Family an’ Nation - an’ our entire culture goes tits up.”

“They’re aimin’ fer the wholesale disruption of the traditional British way of life - that’s wot’s on the agenda wiv all this foreign language crap in schools - the creation and maintenance of an EUSSR Federation-run dysfunctional society by tryin’ ter ‘indigenize’ the lot of us – wot means forcin’ one foreign culture ter adopt another. Don’t believe wot I’m saying, then just look at the effin’ ratio of good old British chippies compared ter these ubiquitous Pikey kebab shops an’ Chinky’s an’ Indian take-aways.”

However, interviewed by the BBC’s ‘Knobhead’s Hour’ roving reporters, Candida McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three from Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate, was all for Gove’s improved literacy and foreign language course curriculum.
“I want me youngest girl, little Chantelle, ter go ter school cos the eldest pair woz always waggin’ it an’ only ever played wiv the kids wot did. It would be great if she’s able ter read an’ write so she can fill in me welfare benefit claim forms – an’ if she learns a foreign language as well an’ speaks summat like Yardie or Columbian then we can get a good deal on coke an’ crack.”

Thought for the day. Classical poetry curriculum for 5-year olds?
Hmmm. “There was a young lass from Devises”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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