Friday, 1 June 2012

Fattism: Political Correctness Goes Ga-Ga

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A report on ‘Body Image’ compiled by a committee of House of Conmans MP’s on behalf of the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has advocated that the contents of the Oxford English Dictionary, along with thousands of years of the evolvement of our iconic language, be trashed just in case a nasty noun, vile verb or abusive adjective offends the fragile sensibilities of some fucker or their dog who might be viewed by members of polite society as being a mite overweight – what used to be colloquially referred to as FAT.

Under this ridiculous political correctness regime that has now permeated our entire social culture, doctors and other public health professionals are to be issued with government guidelines to cease using words such as ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ when discussing health problems with their patients.

The Powers That Be have decided, in their unqualified arrogance, that such terms have a negative impact on the body image and self-esteem of ‘wobble bottom’ fat gits and want doctors to promote broader health and lifestyle messages instead, and start using euphemistic ‘weight-neutral language' (whatever the fuck that is).

The gospel according to the Parliamentary report prepared by the committee, Fattism is now considered on the same offensive par as racist remarks such as calling a spade ‘a spade’ – and not a shovel. No longer is it permitted to refer to blacks as ‘black’ nor gypsies as ‘gyppos’ - nor shirt-lifting fudgers as ‘queer’ nor lesbo dykes as ‘rug-munchers’ - and henceforth shy away from describing fat people as overweight or obese as it might just offend their lard-arsed, fragile sensibilities.

Conversely not everyone agrees, with the ginger-mingin Public Health Minister for England, Anne ‘Catweazle’ Milton - the only Tory MP with the piranha-toothed dental capability to eat an apple through a chicken wire fence - stating for the public record that GPs should tell people they were fat rather than obese as it was more likely to motivate them into losing weight.

Likewise, Dr Chlamydia Mingerot, a presenter on the BBC's ‘Slobs n Blobs Hour’ programme claims that when it comes to a medical context, the words "overweight" and "obese" are necessary, largely due the fact they’re directly representative of the framework for describing body mass index (BMI).

“Basically this report is yet another pathetic instance of political correctness gone overboard – especially when Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles, the Tory MP for Double Helpings, was part of the committee that drafted the condemning ‘Fattism’ report – and we all know that he, alike Ken ‘Beef Dripping’ Clarke, Ann ‘Cellulite’ Widdecombe and Lord John ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Prescott have been in ‘fat denial’ mode for years.”

“Really, it makes me want to scream and go do a Guy Fawkes and throw a petrol bomb through the House of Conmans window. Just when we thought the political correctness situation couldn’t get any more ridiculous, it just did.”
“Faced with this latest Nanny State ruling how are we doctors supposed to get a shock and awe life change ‘fat shaming’ message across to a patient terminally affected with a case of Advanced Slobbery, who is two steps away from a fatal coronary or stroke – or both - if a diagnosis is to be sugar-coated with a shell of euphemism?”

"None of us are deliberately out to make patients feel bad, and appreciate some tosspots and life’s losers do have problems with self-esteem, but when it comes to it, as a doctor, if you are too careful, you run the risk of people missing the health risk implications of the actual message.”

“So, offensive synonyms like chubby, lardy and podgy aside, we require an appropriate use of terminology to describe a medical condition and not some facetious euphemism. Only last week I had a patient, Mr X, wobble into my surgery, visibly suffering from morbid obesity and complaining of shortness of breath and chest pains – so I gently, but forthrightly, explained these symptoms were due the fact he had a Body Mass Index of 35:7.”

“To this he replied, and here I quote: “So, bollocks ter all the technical medical jargon - wot the fuck does that mean?” – a question to which I answered in ‘real speak’ terms that he was a lard-arsed slob and needed to go on a crash Auschwitz style diet and get more exercise that he was currently doing sat on the sofa all day and occasionally reaching for the TV remote – otherwise consult his nearest funeral parlour for a second opinion and further prognosis.”

Thought for the day. The nitty-gritty of the report comes down to what these MPs are going to recommend – calling some overweight slob ‘fat’ should henceforth be deemed a hate crime – and our fatally-flawed Libservative Coalition government should consider putting ‘appearance-based prejudice’ - aka ‘the obesity stigma’ on a legal par with race and sexual discrimination.

The Equalities Act 2010 makes it unlawful to harass, victimise or discriminate against anyone because of their race, gender, sexual orientation, age, or disability. So, does ‘obesity’ come under the ‘disability’ heading or will the Common Purpose social engineers and Orwellian-speak spin doctors have to conjure up a new Kafkaesque one?
How about some Somali refugee who’s rib-rattling thin – is it also an equally-damning civil (perhaps ‘criminal’) offence to call them ‘skinny’?

To conclude, something is totally fucked up with our society when we have five to seven-year old school girls suffering anxiety attacks over worries about their figures and wreaking havoc on their amour-propre. However, go ahead and let them attend the Nanny State body confidence and self esteem classes – and while they’re about it give a wide berth to the Biffo’s Barf Burger chew n spew fast food outlets - and lay off the fizzy soft drinks and dolly mixtures.

Words and phrases to be ‘excised’ from our iconic Oxford English Dictionary with extreme prejudice: beefy, big, blimp, blob, bovine, brawny, broad, bulging, bulky, bull, burly, butterball, chunky, corpulent, distended, dumpy, elephantine, fat, fleshy, gargantuan, gross, heavy, heavyset, hefty, husky, inflated, jelly-belly, lard-arsed, large, meaty, obese, oversize, overweight, paunchy, plump, plumpish, ponderous, porcine, portly, potbellied, pudgy, roly-poly, rotund, solid, stout, swollen, thickset, trough-dweller, weighty, whale-like.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Like it - belly laughs galore