Congo Rebellion Threat to Cellphone Industry

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The corporate-stooge United Nations envoy to the Undemocratic Republic of the Congo has warned that an armed insurrection led by two warlords operating in the eastern provinces is threatening the security of the coltan and conflict diamond mines – and if not stamped out could lead to an outbreak of systematic rebellion across entire swathes of the known Universe.

Roger Meece, a career Zionist gopher appointed the US Great Satan’s ‘Special Representative’ to head the ludicrously-titled UN Organization Stabilization Mission in the Undemocratic Republic of the Congo (MONUSCO), informed the UN Security Council that in his unqualified, biased opinion, it was vital to put an end to the mutiny led by rebel leaders General Twattani Jaffacake and Colonel N’kunta Chuckabutty against the foreign domination of their socio-economic systems and maintenance of political stooges in Kinshasa.

Meece claims the rebellion, which poses a real time hazard to the credibility of the puppet government of the Western-backed President for Life General Wormhole Bongo Coconut and now threatens to destabilise Rio Ripoff Mining’s coltan extraction and processing - and hence dramatically increases the collapse of the mega-bucks cellphone industry that depends on the rare mineral – along with the equally unobtainium ‘mallardite’ – a super-conducting precious metal extracted from the excrement of the Congolese breed of lesser spotted shoveller ducks – a species indigenous to the shores of Lake O’Dinga in the South Kivu province.

Calling on the UN to sanction the brigade-strength deployment of US Africom proxy forces to combat the National Congress for the Defence of the People (CNDP) militias and secure De Beers diamond mining operations along with the supplies of coltan and Lake O’Dinga duck shit, Meece warned that the share prices of mobile phone manufacturing corporations could plummet if the supply of coltan – now seized by the CNDP forces loyal to General Jaffacake and being sold to China - was not re-secured – and might well kick start another global stock market crash.

Speaking to a press hack from the Neo-Colonial Review, Meece confided that “No shit, my ear’s broken – first with the head honchos of JP Moron and Gold-in-Sacks on the phone from Wall Street every five minutes demanding my team protect their business interests in the coltan / cellphone industry – then I’ve got either some heavy from the Rothshite crime syndicate in London or that nasty Mr Oppenslimer himself on the blower from Tel Aviv demanding we do the same for their De Beers diamond mining syndicate.”

According to one report in this week’s Warmongers Gazette, the Pentagon had authorised a series of covert strikes by their Somalia-based UAV MQ-9 Predator ‘assassination drones’ but with the DCR being blanketed in dense jungle and not a desert wasteland like Afghanistan, Pakiland and Yemen, then the Shitstreak and Shitehawk missiles were deployed to little effect – apart from causing fear and alarm to troops of monkeys.

Suggestions from the Pentagon’s Joint Chiefs of Staff ‘Psycho Unit’ to simply nuke the Congo’s entire South Kivu province to eliminate the rebel forces were discounted when it was pointed out that such drastic action, while achieving the desired military objective, would also leave a very big hole in the ground, wipe out the ‘mallardite’ duck flocks and contaminate the entire coltan mining area with radioactivity for the next 90,000 years.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.