Austerity Measures? Not for HM Navy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative Coalition’s pathetic excuse for a Defence Minister, Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, the incumbent Tory MP for Runnynose, issued a news release on Friday afternoon informing one press hack from the Spendthrifts Gazette that he had just signed a wanton £1 billion nicker contract for atomic reactors to power the next generation of the UK's nuclear-armed submarines.

The MoD has already set aside £3 billion quid saved since Chancellor Osborne and his gang of cut-throats slashed the cornucopia of welfare benefits previously doled out to the legions of lazy-arsed unemployed and disabled peasants sponging off the government. This will be used as an initial 5% deposit to get work underway on the new submarines scheduled to replace the Royal Navy's four ‘Tosspot’ class vessels.

The extra £1 billion in funding announced by Hammond will go towards the design and safety modifications for two of the proposed all-new Japanese tsunami-resistant ‘never-blow-up’ Fuckupshima 'False Flag II' model nuclear reactors - one for the seventh ‘Dogwanker’ class attack submarine in the navy’s fleet, and one for the first of the new nuclear deterrent missile submarines – forecast by critics and wits alike to be called the ‘Very Expensive’ class.

The Conservatives are dead set on replacing the UK's existing Tosspot class submarines, which carry strategic Shitstreak ballistic nuclear missiles and tactical deployment ‘Hit-or-Miss’ torpedoes by 2028 – if climate change hasn’t ushered in a new Ice Age and seen the world’s oceans freeze over by then – regardless of their Librarian-Dummercrat coalition partners being against a direct swap.

Apparently Dick Hardon, a token Lib Dem defence ministry gopher, spent several months researching the possibility of commissioning less costly alternatives but decided the cheapskate approach went against the historic grain of Tory policy for extravagant vulgarity and waste, so opted for the most exorbitantly-priced models available to please his masters.

Hammond, the type of person who thinks wood grows on trees and inspires people to count their fingers after they’ve been unfortunate enough to have shaken hands with him, informed the media “This government is committed to maintaining a continuous submarine-based nuclear deterrent, and following a value for money study carried out by the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, we are proceeding with the initial work which is scheduled to begin immediately, if not sooner, to replace these existing submarines that are starting to leak pretty badly due all the rust and lack of painting under the preventive maintenance-deficient policies of the previous New Labour government.”

“Hence I’ve awarded the first £3 billion quid contracts for the next generation of submarines to our favoured Tory party donors at Bodger AE Systems, Bigcocks, and Ripoff-Royce. Now let’s see the Muslim types running al Qaeda’s naval department match that for a snap decision logistical first. Plus we’ll be ready with our new nuclear deterrent systems to take on the Iranian crazies when they finish building their atomic bombs.”

Conversely, New Labour’s outspoken shadow defence minister Baz McScrunt was short on praise for Hammond’s decisions, informing Andrew ‘Bat-Ear’ Marr on the BBC’s ‘Squanderers Hour’ programme that “Wot planet is this twat Hammond from, I ask yer wiv this effin’ Al Qaeda navy threat?”

“Yeah, we know it already, any old excuse an’ we’re off down the hypocrisy roller coaster ride yet again. No money for welfare benefits nor the marginalised disabled or Big Society job creation schemes dedicated ter solve unemployment – wiv a salary attached. Nowt ter spare fer filling in our highway’s ubiquitous infestations of potholes either by the sound of it - but stacks of ackers ter fund new submarines fer the sodding rum, bum and baccy boys.”

“I mean, nuclear-powered submarines - wot a waste of effin’ money. They’re doin’ the same wiv nuclear reactors as we did wiv firewood an’ coal back in the halcyon, sooty days of the industrial revolution two hundred fuckin’ years ago – heatin’ water ter boilin’ point ter generate steam an’ drive a turbine. Is that how effin’ far our technology’s come?”
“So wot the fuck do they need reactors for – why can’t they simply load up wiv a pile of coal or wood? An’ yer got plenty of deadwood in the cabinet an’ coalition already, eh.”

Thought for the day. While old ‘Dandruff’ Hammond is one of the Tory Party’s sycophantic Friends of Israel pro-Zionist stooges and a leading voice for the Rothshite crime syndicate’s ‘Let’s get Iran’ lobby – hence a ‘twat’ - here we have him, hypocrisy aforethought, throwing the core principles and rectitude of the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons to the wind by sanctioning the build of stealth vehicles to transport weapons of mass distraction.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.