Scamerons up for ‘Parenting Classes’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Downing Street spokeswoman Scabby Bertin this morning finally admitted to a pack of salivating press hacks the scandalous truth that PM ‘Dysfunctional Dave’ Scameron and his wife, Sloppy Sarah, left their eight-year-old daughter Nancy in the pub following a heavy Sunday afternoon booze session with their three children and two other feckless families with a vulgarian passion for liquid lunches – only realising their eldest daughter was missing when it came time to put them all to bed that night.

Nancy is reported to have spent hours alone at the Paedo’s Rest Inn near Doggers Wood in Fuckinghamshire, sipping pink gins and being groomed and ‘cuddled’ by a number of weirdo ‘regulars’ - who she later revealed “smelled of wet wool and KY jelly” - before concerned bar staff rang social services and a response team turned up and took her into protective care - with the initial aim of fostering her out to a more responsible family - until political pressures were exerted by Justice Secretary Ken ‘Flipper’ Clarke to give the erring Scamerons another chance.

Downing Street’s official piss-poor excuse is that as the inebriated gathering went to leave, Nancy ducked off out to the smoking area for a quick drag without telling them, and Posh Dave was driven back to Chequers – several miles from the pub - with protection officers in one car, while Sloppy Sarah drove their other children in her armoured 4 x 4 Humvee people carrier.

The credibility-deficient Scameron claims he presumed Nancy was in the Hummer with his wife, while Sarah thought their daughter had hitched a pillion ride with one of the local Plod Squad’s motor cycle outriders.

Bev Titwank, a barmaid at the popular Troublespot Taverns-owned Paedo’s Rest Inn told one press hack from the Orphans Gazette that ‘It’s a bit of a fuckin’ worry when the Prime Minister of Broken Britain goes off half-pissed after a session on the Old Headbanger Special Brew an’ forgets his own daughter – cos it’s not like yer can look up ‘DVD Dave’ in the effin’ phonebook then get on the blower ter say “Hey bollocks, yer left yer daughter behind”. So much for Scameron’s Big Society policy when he can’t even look after his own effin’ kids.”

Number 10 further admitted that Scameron’s spin doctor Craig Oliver ‘shit kittens’ and threw a head-banging wobbler over the predictable media feeding frenzy and negative publicity resulting from the news that Nancy had been left at the boozer yet again – but came up with a stellar scapegoat in the form of their Ukrainian au pair girl, Moronella – and issued a press release stating “Nanny got a right good bollocking off Sarah for that little fuck up.”

In a desperate bid to give some modicum of credence to the story, the hapless Moronella has since been fired, her working visa revoked, and deported back to the Ukraine, where, following an exchange of secret Masonic handshakes, she’s ended up in some grotty gulag on ‘national security’ charges to keep her from talking to the press.

Further, in response to negative media coverage that the incident didn’t actually reflect well on Posh Dave’s ‘in close protection’ security minders, and speaking on conditions of anonymity, one Special Branch officer (Ron McScrunt) opined to a reporter from the Saracens Review that “Beltin’ job of work on the part of you blokes in the effin’ media – tellin’ every Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorist an’ their dog where the Prime Minister goes fer a pint on a Sunday lunch.”

“If I had my way the paparazzi who’ve blown this story out of all proportion would get picked up by MI5’s heavies fer a spot of rendition then shoved inside a North Face holdall an’ chucked in the effin’ Thames.”
“Now the Paedo’s Rest Inn’s gonna have ter start doin’ security pat-down’s ter make sure no twat’s walkin’ in wiv one of them suicide bomber Semtex waistcoats on.”

Do you live near Chequers or the Doggers Wood area? Have you ever misplaced any children while under the influence of alcohol? What are your views on forced adoptions if irresponsible parents are found lacking by the UK’s ‘in camera’ / secret Family Courts?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a set of our high-tech digital ‘Kiddie Counters’ tags to round up the sprogs after a Sunday afternoon booze-up at your local pub.

Thought for the day: As ‘Dysfunctional Dave’ Scameron announced back in mid-May, “Parenting classes should be taken as seriously as driving lessons” – a measure the Libservative Coalition are introducing to help incompetent families and irresponsible parents raise Broken Britain's next generation in the desired Big Society mould.

Doubtless Sloppy Sarah will be dispatched to their nearest Boots branch next week to collect a £100 voucher entitling her and Dave to attend ten two-hour Good Parenting lessons, designed to provide harebrained Mums and Dads with advice and guidance on nutrition and behaviour – and doing a kiddie head count before staggering out of the pub on a Sunday afternoon following a heavy ‘chillaxing’ session.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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