Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Tories Solve UK Unemployment Crisis

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Under the latest batch of idiotic guidelines dreamed up by the Libservative Coalition’s Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, unemployed peasants who fail to find non-existent lucrative employment in Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society Job-a-Thon hunt scheme will hereon be forced to carry out unpaid work – or risk losing their £60-odd quid per week pittance dole money.

This latest set of moronic regulations announced by Unemployment Secretary Chris ‘Gulags’ Graything this week will see the officious slack-arsed morons staffing the UK’s Jobcentre Plus branches bestowed with life or death powers to coerce benefit claimants into a Stalinesque forced labour situation wherein they must perform mandatory work activities for zero salary – a Catch 22 snafu best described by critics and wits alike with a word that sits squarely between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’ in the dictionary: slavery.

One sore thumb question that Mr Graything, the Tory MP for the Epsom Salts constituency, repeatedly side-stepped and failed to enlighten media sources on was if ‘unpaid work positions’ existed then why could these not be advertised as salaried roles and filled by the same ‘obviously qualified’ unemployed jobseekers.

Ron McScrote was one of the first to tell the Jobcentre to stick their ‘poxy benefit’ up their proverbial jacksy rather than diminish his dignity further by being forced to work for nothing.
Unemployed since leaving school in the thick of the Thatcher de-industrialisation / union battlefront years, and a youth who nurtured ambitions of becoming a porno’ cinema projectionist, McScrote ended up a chartered skiv scavvy, living by his wits and dodging HMRC assessors and Civil Enforcement thugs.

Ron opined to one press hack from the Mendicants Gazette “Yeah, right, lookin’ at it wiv logic aforethought as opposed ter the Jobcentre’s biased rhetoric, it stands ter effin’ sense don’t it, eh. If this is one of them government quango privatised job creation schemes wot’s comin’ up wiv these placements, then some fucker or their dog’s gonna profit from it one way or the other - so why can’t they ‘create’ a salary ter pay the poor sods wot’s getting’ forced inter doin’ the work fer nowt?”

The proposed unpaid job placements will typically involve some type of community service, such as working in parks scooping up stale doggy poop, strangling grey squirrels and licking kiddie’s play areas clean. However past pilots have discovered half of those claiming unemployment benefits would prefer to lose their welfare handouts and turn their hand back to the roaring black economy and a spot of lucrative shoplifting or petty theft than surrender their hard-fought birthright and consent to a life of slavery.

When the school’s empty next month and a veritable deluge of teenage pupils turn up on a famine stricken job search landscape for a summer of part-time work – and 16 to 17-year olds with a cat in Hell’s chance of ever affording the higher education fees now being demanded by rip-off universities and colleges are also searching for employment placements – from lucrative apprenticeships to labouring work; anything, in fact, that offers a life-sustaining salary – then the Jobcentre, that human resources landfill site handing down unpaid work assignments, is going to take Broken Britain’s Bloshie proletariat another step closer to a violent and bloody revolution.

Remember the battle cry! Remember the Alamo! (or was it the Bastille?)

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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