HM Queen Brenda Survives Ulster Trip

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ulster’s Sunday edition gutter press tabloids are full of the week’s historical visit to the Proddy-dominated province by HM Queenie as part of her ‘Diamonds-R-Forever’ Jubilee pressy-scrounging ‘acquisitions’ excursion – with the highlight of the trip focused on Her Imperial Regal Majesty Brenda Saxaphone-Coburg-Gotha (aka Big 60 Lizzie) and the former IRA knee-capping commander Martin ‘Black & Decker’ McGuinness meeting in Belfast and shaking hands.

A sad reminder of the rancour underlying this ceremony manifested as both parties automatically counted their respective fingers once the mutually-repulsive symbolic exchange was done with – then Brenda faced the unenviable task of glad-handing a mob of ex-members of Sinn Fein, the Provos, the Real IRA - and Paddy ‘Semtex’ McSkanger, chief car bomb maker for the False IRA.

While the final day of Brenda’s visit to Northern Ireland was perhaps marred by this repugnant reconciliatory handshakes episode, it was followed with an equally-hypocritical ‘Smiley Face’ traditional Irish Mixed Grill Jubilee banquet in Stormont’s Great Hall, consisting of jacket spuds, mashed spuds, boiled spuds, roast spuds and chips, all washed down with jeroboams of Old Headbanger black porter to seal the star-crossed act of rapprochement.

While Brenda opted out for the ‘a la carte’ menu, her Greek immigrant (ex-Nazi) hubby, his Royal Rudeness Prince Philip Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg-Windsor got into the mood of things by quaffing several glasses of vintage Rothschild Chateau de Gobshite 1917 before breaking into one of his customary insulting outbursts and began looking around the dining table at the ex-IRA members demanding “So, which one of you papist dog wankers was responsible for blowing up Brenda’s cousin Dickie Mountbatten and his boat, the Privileged Prat, off Mullaghmore back in 1979?”- which elicited knee-jerk murmured retorts of “Get fucked, yer spongin’ Greek twat.”

After leaving Stormont Queen Brenda was driven through the grounds of Northern Ireland's seat of government in an open-topped Pope-mobile, with ‘Stavros’ on the lookout for rebel bomb chuckers as the royal motorcade was met with a cacophony of boo’s - and the odd confused catcalls of “Yankee go home!” - from around 20,000 belligerent, grudge-bearing pikey peasants with long memories - and each bearing their personal measure of righteous animosity nurtured from centuries of having Westminster’s barbaric imperialist jackboot on their necks.

Bestowing this Diamond Jubilee trip with a historical significance, Brenda is the first English monarch to visit ‘The Bog’ since her grandfather George V dropped in at Dublin Castle in 1911 to congratulate British troops from the 21st Barbarian Regiment on their unstinting sadistic treatment of Irish Home Rule activists and keeping Eire in the realm of Empire regardless of how many ‘Bolshie Micks’ they had to martyr.

Interviewed post-event by the Dog & Pony Show Gazette on his thoughts of meeting Queen Brenda, McGuinness replied "Bejaysus, I thought she would have bin taller an’ reminded me of Auntie Candida wot works at the Pound Stretcher shop in Ballymena – same yellow teeth from smokin’ all them fags."

Thought for the day: The Palace of Westminster / House of Parliament (Conmans and Lords) iconic clock tower, colloquially known as Big Ben, has last week, in a hare-brained gesture of vomitous Diamond Jubilee-inspired sycophancy by MPs to honour Queenie, now been renamed ‘Big Brenda’

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.