Austerity Dave Gets Olympomania

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative Coalition leader Posh Dave Scameron was awarded the Order of the OTT booby prize after succumbing to an attack of Olympomania on Friday evening: blowing his own trumpet and sounding like an utter twat as he publicly proclaimed to any fucker and their dog interested enough to pay heed to his waffle that the London 2012 Olympics will show the world beyond all reasonable doubt that Britain ‘can deliver’– (er, apart from sorting out our double-dip depression and Debtocracy problems, making the NHS fit-for-purpose, plus finding a few million people jobs).

So while the Olympics might well present a perfect opportunity for a spot of political promotion, a moronic dunce like Scameron should think twice before drawing too much attention to the quality of the weave of Britain’s whole spun cloth, with its threadbare patches and tattered around the edges – else it attracts further critical scrutiny of all that is wrong with our once-sceptred isle due the mismanagement of a series of successive tosspot governments – recently helped along by closet case Tory Mick Clogg and his Lib-Dum Party.

To wit, the Yank’s GOP Republican candidate for the November Presidential election, Mitt ‘The Moron’ Romney, in London on a scrounging mission, pissed on Austerity Dave’s bonfire with the politically incorrect announcement that in his unqualified – and hypocritical – opinion Britain simply wasn’t fit to host a piss-up in a brewery, let alone the 2012 Olympic Games, which prompted the knee-jerk response from an irate London Mayor, Bonkers Boris Nonsense of “Bloody oick, insulting our People’s Games. I hope the Kenyan cuckoo beats him hands down in the November election.”

Conversely, Mitt the Moron’s spin doctors were on hand to execute a timely riposte in defence of their loose-lipped candidate’s insult and waved a fact sheet before the media cameras listing the fubars to date: specifically the G4S (Good-4-Shit) security screw-up – and the Egyptian team wandering round in fake Adidas and Nike sports wear gear – plus the Critical Mass pro-cycling event participants being halted en route by the Met’s Plod Squad then kettled in a cul-de-sac, with 182 of their ranks arrested on Friday night and charged with terrorism offences under Section 12 of the Public Order Act 1986.

To cap this litany of chaotic blunders was the instance of the Border Agency staff shortage that is still causing mile-long passenger queues and 24 hour waits to clear immigration arrivals at Thiefrow Airport – coupled with the insult par none of the South Korean flag being flown to herald the entrance of the North Korean team on Wednesday night.

Games organisers apologised profusely for this major snafu, which resulted in Pyongyang’s hyper-paranoid security services rounding up the athlete’s relatives as hostage material when the globally-televised faux pas was perceived as a political defection move to seek asylum motivated by the running dogs of the corrupt West and their Great Satan Zionist master.

Scameron played down the flag blunder, which occurred on the first day of sporting action, and delayed the women's football match between North Korea’s ‘Androgynous First Eleven’ and Columbia’s ‘Coke-Heads’ by about an hour while a stream of urgent diplomatic faxes were exchanged to clarify and correct the situation before the Nor-Kor Imperial Leader Kim Jong-Un ordered his military to loose a nuclear barrage on the South.

“Really, this was an honest mistake, honestly made” Scameron informed a press hack from the Fubar Gazette - “a bit like shooting that Brazilian electrician chappie at Stockwell tube station. However, Seb Coe - or Wallace and Gromit – or whoever’s in charge here - have made an apology so hopefully young Kim Jong Thing - whatever this new bloke’s called - doesn’t spit the dummy and actually nuke Seoul as payback.”

“But these and other minor problems will all get sorted out over the next couple of weeks - like the tennis event having to be postponed as some oick lost the sodding key to the main gates at Wimbledon, and the soccer events since the Met’s Plod Squad have lost the laser key to the Wembley Stadium; and London’s Olympics-designated road lanes being branded as a ‘clusterfuck’ by the boss of the RAC who spouted off to the sodding press that he’s seen better organised riots – which to my mind is not only unpatriotic but treasonous.”

“I'm sure our Culture Secretary Jeremy Kunt will take every step to ensure these things don't happen again as this is about our country coming together, and not merely a London Games, nor an England Games, but a United Kingdom Games – for us and the Welsh really I suppose, now that Alex Salmond and his bunch of ingrates up in Scotland have decided they want independence.”

However Ron McScrunt, the director of Anarchy Now, had this to say to media hacks: “Wot a heap of crap it all is – this over-hyped ‘People’s Games’ that’s out ter benefit commercial interests and not the effin’ people. Fer fuck’s sake does no sod ever study history an’ the distraction factor purpose of the Roman games – ter divert attentions elsewhere while the whole empire went tits up – same as wot’s happenin’ here?”

“An’ then, at the last minute, yer got the games organisers Locog toutin’ tickets available fer the openin’ event, where yer get ter shake paws wiv one of Queenie’s corgis an’ snort a track of dandruff off Danny Boyle’s tuxedo collar – an’ these are priced at £2,012 an’ £1,600 nicker a-piece – an’ then they’ve got the effin’ cheek ter say that all tickets bought after July 17th will have wot they term a ‘restricted view’ – which probably means yer gonna be lookin’ at the back of some Plod Squad dildo’s head.”

“So how the fuck do they justify that, I ask yer - £2,000-odd quid fer a ticket – wot might be an easy touch fer MPs on £65,000 per annum, plus expenses, but sort of out of the reach of jobless British peasants only getting’ £60-odd quid a week unemployment benefit – or penury-stricken pensioners savin’ up fer a new woolly cardigan cos that prick Osborne’s slashed their Winter Fuel Allowance down ter a bundle of old newspapers an’ half a sack nutty slack.”

A final irreverent thought for the day. To contribute further to the inherent insanity of the Olympomania fortnight, Austerity Dave Scameron was meeting with David Beckham at Downing Street yesterday to discuss how to tackle world hunger - ahead of the ‘Hunger Summit’ scheduled for the final day of the Games on Sunday 12th August.

Que? WTF – Beckham? He might well be able to ‘bend one’ around the bulimic Victoria, but knows less about the subject of Third World hunger than that other posing twat Bono or his Messianic Saviour mates Billy and Melinda Gates and their BBMG Foundation toxic vaccines team.

So, how are these two tossers going to solve world hunger? Perhaps ban Sumo wrestling and have Posh Dave put Ken Clarke, Eric Pickles and John Prescott on a restricted calorie diet – as that should give the Third World’s starving masses a chance at the buffet table to grab a bite to eat before all the pies disappear.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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