Thursday, 12 July 2012

Big Pharma Invents ‘Flab Jab’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a banner headline article in this month’s Journal of Medical Guessology, a team of Big Pharma scientists claim to have invented an obesity vaccine that uses the body’s immune system to fight weight gain. In tests, one hundred overweight mice given injections of the miracle drug lost 10% of their body weight after 5 days, 20% after 10 days, 50% after 21 days – and disappeared up their own arseholes after 30 days.

What’s more astounding – and sickening – is the fact the hapless lardy rodents were fed a high-fat chew n spew diet of greasy burgers, deep fried carcinogenic chicken nuggets and killer cholesterol French fries – along with aspartame-loaded soft drinks - which suggests the ‘flab jab’ might allow the waistline-challenged members of society to gorge on plates of junk food shite yet stay as slim as the celebrity Polish diet guru, Auschwitz Stan.

Dr Chlamydia Mingerot, the lead researcher for the Zurich-based Ratshit Biotech, informed a press hack from Blubber magazine that “We have developed a nano-molecule vaccine which could revolutionize the treatment of those colloquially referred to as ‘fat fucks’.”

“This is a two-stage effect that works by first tricking the immune system into creating antibodies to counter the production of hormones in the stomach that make mice hungry – and secondly by stimulating the release of enzymes that send messages to the left cerebral hemisphere of the mouse’s brain that it has just eaten lunch. So Mr Mouse goes happily about ignoring his food and getting rib-rattling thinner by the day.”

“Hence this study demonstrates the reality of treating obesity with vaccination - but don’t abandon your slimming programme just yet and start guzzling back super-sized fizzy drinks and Biffo’s Barf Burgers or Pukerella’s Pizzas as we don’t know if what works for mice will work for porker-pottamus humans that have been eating all the pies.”

While the Kwik-Fix ‘shit-or bust’ pressure wash enema programme never really caught on as the colonic solution to weight loss, there are several over-the-counter diet drugs on sale in the UK – but only one of prescription strength available: the Atomic Energy Commission’s patented Sellafield Formula – a combination of freshly ground depleted uranium U235 and decaffeinated Plutonium 239 flakes which speeds up the human metabolism to an extent that prevents the absorption of fats by the body as the associated tumours gobble it up faster that a speech therapist can say ‘metastasis’.

Conversely, this medication can act as an aggressive laxative and trigger some very unpleasant side effects - such as stomach cramps and loose bowel movements under which trial dietary regime several guinea pig patients actually shit themselves to death.

Thought for the day. Hmmm, another dodgy Big Pharma injection that produces antibodies against something produced normally by the body. Sounds like yet another autoimmune disease time bomb. Oh-ho, zombie Apocalypse here we come again – so fuck it, folks – and stay with the jaw wiring and gastric bands – or get the ‘Won’t Power’ kicked in and simply ‘eat less’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

"waistline-challenged" and "faster than a speech therapist can say 'metastasis'" Both brilliant.

Helen Malpas said...

Really enjoyed another great piece.

Ally said...

Cheers Helen, check in tomoz morning n see what Rusty's got lined up for the rabid Rabbi's and their illegal black market transplant organ trade - and Tony Bliar's ill-fated comeback into British politics.

Fletch said...

faster than a speech therapist can say 'metastasis'.
Yep, Rusty sure has a gift for the unique turn of phrase.