Borders Agency Not Fit for Purpose

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what might prove to be the biggest fuck up since their last big fuck up, the UK Border Agency (UKBA) have lost track of more than 160,000 illegal immigrants and refugees who were refused permission to stay in Britain, then Whoof! – like a rat out of an aqueduct – were Gone! – and simply disappeared off our grossly incompetent government’s radar.

This highly embarrassing backlog of cases, uncovered by the Chief Inspector of the Border Agency, Lady Chlamydia Ffitch-Gargoyle, comes as officials admitted they’ve no idea whether the immigrants are alive or dead, have left Britain or moved to the Moon – or even been employed by the hapless Borders Agency itself. More alarming still is the fact the UKBA have no strategy in place to find out how many are still around and surviving through the burgeoning recession-driven underground black economy in our ‘hard-to-spot’ ethnically-integrated – and culturally-devastated - Big Society.

Lady Ffitch-Gargoyle’s report is doubly-damning inasmuch the slack-arsed UKBA have failed to send 40 percent of the refused extension applicants any form of documented notice informing them to fold their proverbial tents and sod off back from whence they came.
The gospel according to the report, the agency’s Migration Refusal Pool listed a total of 159,313 illegals in mid-December 2011, which soared by 5,492 over the following two months – approximately one hundred cases per day.

This list is best described as a mess of pottage which included Polish carp poachers; Albanian swan roasters; shit-stirring one-eyed Muslim clerics with a bad attitude, chronic halitosis, and coathanger hooks for hands; a mix of African, Israeli and Balkan war criminals; Somali pirates; Mexican beaners; Columbian drug runners; Chechnyan arms dealers - and thousands of Eastern European Gyppo and Pikey teenage whores in Britain for the Diamond Jubilee / Wimbledon / Olympics triple event fuckfest scheduled to run from May to August - all of whom entered our once-sceptred isle on temporary visas and were refused an extended stay – hence should have been instructed to leave immediately – if not sooner.

Ms Constance N’dinga Chuckabutty, the regional director for the Borders Agency’s Midlands and West African Division, yesterday went on the public record, informing one press hack from the Xenophobes Gazette that “Dis am all a load of bullshit, accusin’ us of sloth an’ apathy an’ dat bein’ de the cause of dis lack of pro-active deportations. Wot dey should be blaming instead is de flawed mechanics of de ‘absconder tracing process’ as all de sniffer dogs wot we use ter track down de overstaying migrants has bin sufferin’ from summer colds due Britain’s monsoon season rains an’ de kennels getting’ flooded out.”

“If it woz a bunch of whitey Anglo-Saxon types runnin’ dis agency den we wouldn’t be hearin’ any bullshit criticisms at all, but jest cos we have a gang of de brothers an’ de sistas wiv perma sun tans den we cop for heaps of crap.”
“An’ wot’s more we do not appreciate certain sections of the House of Conmans opposition and media makin’ racist remarks an’ referring ter us as de ‘Little Bo Peep Agency’ wot lost all de sheep – nor tellin’ us ter send out a Pikey Patrol ter catch de delinquent over-stayers.”

However shadow home secretary Yvette Scooper dismissed Ms Chuckabutty’s excuses as being more at scent than substance and that the Libservative Coalition was letting the side down where illegal immigrants were concerned.
“Personally, I’ve seen better organised riots. Following the fiasco of the border scandal, where the Home Secretary admitted she doesn't know how many people came in without checks, we now have arriving tourists spending the first couple of days of their holiday waiting in immigration clearance queues at our airports because of incompetent management and the cuts to nearly 900 UK Border Force staff."

The scandals mentioned by Ms Scooper, which have brought successive hails of criticism onto the UKBA, were seconded as ‘disgraceful’ by Sir Dinsdale Spatchcock, chairman of the think-tank Kaffir Watch, who informed the media that the credibility of Broken Britain’s entire immigration system was now under question and needed mending with a new one.
“Really, I’m totally gobsmacked. What the fuck is going on when the Borders Agency is staffed with a bunch of tosspots and dog wankers that have no idea where 159,000 individuals - the size of the Palestinian population of Israeli prisons and internment camps - have gone since their applications were rejected.”

The Tory immigration minister Damian Greenfly, the MP for Gashford, typically and with malice aforethought, tried to pass the blame for the UKBA fubar onto the last government – but New Labour’s juvenile leader, Ed Millipede spit the dummy and retorted that the report was damning and Minister Greenfly a complete and utter waste of space and the entire agency needed a spot of ‘root canal’ work – confusing an earlier Home Affairs Select Committee statement which called for a thorough house cleaning - plus "root and branch" reforms.

Greenfly recently informed Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on the BBC Radio 4's 'Refugee Roundup' programme that the Borders Agency had improved since May 2010 from a state of "utter chaos" when the government took office to one of ‘mere mayhem’.

Hmmm, ‘mere mayhem’ besides, the hapless Greenfly is due to answer questions on immigration policy from the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee next Tuesday – whose chairman, the supremely arrogant Keith ‘Mr Fix-It’ Vaz – he of Hinduja Sisters and Nadhmi Auchi scandalous visa-rigging notoriety - recently branded the UKBA as "not fit for purpose".

Thoughts for the day. The UK Border Agency – tasked with responsibility for securing the UK borders at air, rail and sea ports and migration controls - was set up in 2008, two years after then New Labour Home Secretary John ‘Gorbals’ Reid condemned the Home Office's immigration directorate as a “pile of shite”.

Parliament watchers might recall his predecessor, Charlie Clarke, was sacked after it emerged 1,013 foreign criminals (rapists, murderers, burglars, armed robbers, paedophiles and goat bonkers) had been released from prison, without being considered for deportation and allowed to freely mix with the general population.

Now for the sickener. Senior staff members of the scandal-ridden UK Border Agency were paid bonuses of up to £10,000 last year despite an asylum backlog of 450,000 cases – plus the 160,000 AWOL overstayers dilemma.
One in four UKBA staff received payouts of up to £7,000 quid apiece – with one in fifty receiving bonuses of between £20,000 and £22,000, one in ten (11%) pocketed bonuses of between £15,000 and £20,000 and more than one in eight (13%) received bonuses of between £10,000 and £15,000 nicker.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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