Friday, 6 July 2012

Shard Viewing Platform: a Rip-Off Bar None

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Shard - perhaps the most stupid architectural concept to be backed by finance and given life via the route of ‘construction’ since the poxy Gherkin - was inaugurated last Thursday night with a laser light show visible across London, amid outrage from the austerity-stricken public regarding the exorbitant costs of visiting the anomaly’s ‘eyrie’ viewing platform.

Britain's highest building at 1,016 feet tall – including the metre-thick layer of pigeon shit already accumulated on its spire - the shoddy Shard will be blessed by Monsignor Seamus McFudger of the Bermondsey parish’s St Sodoms Church for Latter Day Pederasts at an inaugural ceremony attended by the roly-poly Prime Minister of Qatar, Hamad bin Jabba the Hutt al Fat Git - and Prince ‘Air Miles’ Andy, the money-grubbing second son of Broken Britain’s ruling wicked Windsor family.

Tickets to the viewing platform will cost an extortionate £25 quid for an adult and £19 for a child – totalling £88 nicker for a family of four to visit the ‘summit’ and look out over the sprawling mess of ethnic slum chaos, bendy bikes and landfill sites that London has now evolved into since Bonkers Boris Nonsense became Mayor of the Metropolis.

Conversely, Ripoff Productions, the PR firm representing the viewing platform side of the eyesore project insisted it was competitively priced compared to other major London tourist attractions – such as a two-hour ‘spankeroo’ session and clusterfuck at Mme Olga’s Dominatrix Chambers located at the Doggers Wood end of Chelsea’s prestigious Max Mosley Memorial Gardens.

Ripoff’s spokeswoman, Ms Beverly Titwank, also pointed out that the "visitor experience" would include such delights as being pick-pocketed and having one’s wallet emptied while hurtling skywards at 120 feet per second in one of the Shard’s ‘kaleidoscopic elevators’ to the pinnacle of the UK’s tallest building.

Conversely, Ron McScrote of the Bermondsey Village Action Group, informed one press hack from the Abominations Review “Just wot we fuckin’ need, this pile of shite planted in our back yard as a monument ter the munificence of the Emirate of Qatar – an’ wot’s clearly at odds wiv the community in which it's defiantly planted itself, regardless of our objections. Egypt’s the effin’ place fer pyramids – not Bermondsey. The thing’s about as intrinsically endearing as a garden shed wiv a corrugated iron roof.”

Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, governor of the Qatar Bank of International Usury which joint-owns the Babelesque tower, told media reporters he would be the first occupant of the aptly-named Nimrod Suite penthouse, then arrogantly added "The Shard is an expression of the growing wealth, power and cultural influence of the Arab Islamic world and a beacon to highlight our domination of traditional Western industries and commercial enterprises.”

Architect Gonzo Piano Accordion, a former Muppet, spoke to the media regarding the Shard’s exterior completion "This building is not going to be a symbol of power but one of greed – dominating the City’s skyline and dedicated to the god of materialistic, ostentatious waste – Mammon. I’m just hoping no Muslim terrorists fly a passenger jet into it like the World Trade Centre towers before ICTS and Stratasec have chance to rig their explosives and get the place insured by those underwriter schmucks Larry Silverslime uses.”

“It is a credit to the ruling family of Qatar that they have a few quid left over from financing and arming the foreign mercenaries currently posing as the Free Syrian Army and slaughtering civilians – and are able to afford tonight’s laser light show ceremony spectacular which is scheduled to begin at 22:15 BST - and beams will be fired from its summit to London’s skyscrapers and landmarks such as Nelson’s Column and Canary Wharf and really disturb the roosting pigeons that shit on me every day.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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