G20 Murder: Harwood says “Sorry”

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Southwark Crown Court, presided over by Judge Sir Angus Stairrod, yesterday heard testimony that PC ‘Slimy Simon’ Harwood, accused of the unlawful killing Ian Tomlinson, accepted he might have overdone things a bit when he belted the hapless newspaper seller across the back of the legs with an Asp telescopic steel baton then shoved him violently to the concrete pavement.

However the truth-challenged Harwood, a member of the manky Met’s Territorial Thug Squad, denies resorting to an outburst of gratuitous violence against an innocent member of the public, which resulted in his death during the G20 protests.

The officer told the court if he had realised Tomlinson was not part of the G20 Renta-Riot protest crowd nor posing any sort of a threat - and walking away from police lines at the time (as the damning video footage so clearly shows) - he wouldn’t have hit nor shoved him quite as hard.

To the contrary, the hapless Tomlinson was swiped across the back of his legs with a steel baton and shoved to the ground for no good reason - before dying minutes later on Dick Whittington’s gold-plated City streets.

Harwood told the jury of his shock and horror as he watched the confounding video footage of him being caught red-handed on camera for posterity delivering his vicious attack – then his victim having the inconsiderate audacity to pull that politically incorrect stunt and fall over stone dead only yards from where the assault took place.
“Really, I almost shit kittens when I saw the footage and realised this might be used to prosecute me and secure a conviction for common assault in a court of law - and I might cop for a community service order.”

Pc Harwood, despite suffering from what is now considered by many to be a chronic case of CDS – Credibility Deficiency Syndrome - told investigators in 2009 that his actions had been justified based on the threat officers faced from alcoholic newsvendors, sauntering past police lines with their hands in their pockets and eyes cast down to ensure they put one foot in front of another.

Conversely, in her cross-examination, Ms Sue Fleecem, QC for the CPS, suggested to the officer that he was "a lying twat” and had made up this story as a pathetic act of self-preservation to lessen his culpability in causing the death of an innocent member of the public.

Patrick Scrote QC, of Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot (Solicitors), defending, took the trouble to appraise and remind the jury of the facts that Ian Tomlinson was an alcoholic, estranged from his wife, and slept rough for a number of years – as if such a stream of derogatory information concerning the deceased ‘victim’ provided a licence for his murder and exonerated Harwood of his criminal actions.

To add insult to injury – and at which time Tomlinson's family walked out of court to throw up - the accused Harwood casually described to the jury a list of his options when he came into contact with the 47-year-old newsvendor – which included using his baton and giving him a shove in the back - or use a medley of kicks, punches, CS spray, handcuffs, his voice or ‘firearms’ – or bag him up in a North Face holdall and give him a good booting in the guts.

Fortunately Harwood only resorted to the application of the first two of the brutal ‘persuasion’ techniques – which in themselves were sufficient to see the poor bloke keel over in a state of collapse within minutes of them being inflicted – then be pronounced DOA by doctors at London’s prestigious Harold Shipman Centre for Excellence in Health Care.

As to accused’s mention of ‘firearms’. Que? WTF? The Plod Squad allows thugs like Harwood to play with guns? Oh well, they allow the Met’s CO19 Armed Response clowns to have guns and go round shooting any old Brazilian electrician they think looks a bit ‘Muslimish’ – and get away with no more than a “Tut’tut – be more careful next time, sonny” slap on the wrist.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.