Saturday, 14 July 2012

2012 Olympics Scandals Get Underway

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Zionist-dominated PR propaganda media machine operators - burning the midnight oils on a 24/7 basis to convince the world that the US Great Satan and Israel really are peace-promoting saints simply lacking a halo - are breathing a sigh of relief as the 2012 Olympics take over the negative publicity target role. Not so much for war crime acts of belligerent ‘first strike’ sabre-ratting against Iran, nor arming the Syrian ‘proxy war’ rebel mercenaries with hi-tech Western arms and blaming their war crimes atrocities on the Assad regime – nor for the latest round of fatal Reaper drone attacks on some hapless Afghan / Paki village schools – but for turning the Games into an Orwellian security nightmare cum dictatorial corporate sponsorship fiasco.

So, ask the masses, where now the pristine and immaculate founding Spartan spirit of the Olympic Games and the soul of Pheidippides – the man who ran the actual ‘Marathon’ - in sandals? Alas, fallen victim to yet another graft and corruption-ridden commercialised scam by those who kneel and worship before the altar of Mammon - with bureaucratic madness pushing an insane overkill security operation – prompting speculation that this is a Censorship Olympics – with the panopticon surveillance and Soviet-style dedicated road lanes for the elite taking the class distinction divide to a fresh 1% / 99% ‘Them and Us’ level of discrimination between the moneyed nouveau aristocracy and the poverty-stricken common herd.

Ron McScrote, the director of Twat-Watch, opined to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that “If it wasn’t bad enough to be fielding a security force mix of 50,000 military goons and uniformed morons from the G4S Renta-Thug Agency ter protect 84,000 spectators, we now have corporate sponsorship’s jackboot on the back of our collective necks to compound the injustice – and who’ve dictated that no packed lunches are allowed into the events so as to force starving tourists to buy their hyper-priced processed crap – which is obscene when we consider Broken Britain’s quagmired bollocks deep in an obesity crisis.”

“Of the 800-plus food retailers serving the Olympics venue, the only one licensed to sell chips is McDonald’s. Hence all the other chew n spew outlets like Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Pukerella’s Pizza, Salmonella Sally’s Sub Sarnie Deli, and Pigswill Pete’s ‘Technicolour Yawn’ or Chico’s Chunderama are banned from serving you up a portion of fries.”

Conversely, Candida Mingerot, a spokesperson for the ‘Shit Smells Like Roses’ PR company, informed media sources that “McDonald’s, conveniently sited right next to the Olympic Park’s ‘Vomitarium’ - has the capacity to seat 1,500 and serve 1,200 people an hour with ‘Super-Size Me’ portions of junk food – and for this right they’ve coughed up millions in sponsorship fees.”

“So if anyone starts gobbing off about ‘scams’ and goes into do-gooder whistle-blowing snitch and grasser mode - texting the Monopolies Commission about anti-trust legislation or their Wenlock and Mandeville dolls only having one eye, they’re going to get hit with a High Court injunction.”

Thus we are faced with hard proof that sports corporate sponsorship now comes with dictatorial attachments where the likes of unhealthy lifestyle promoters such as McD’s, Cadburys, Heineken and Coca-Cola will dominate the food venues of the 2012 Games – a leap year prestigious athletics contest and competitive sports spectacular, staged to promote the physical potentials of the human race – and in which there is no ‘Couch Potato’ event.

This is the leverage of ‘brand prestige’ – McD’s ‘healthy options’ deep fried high-cholesterol shite and Coke’s diarrhoea-brown fizzy drink, loaded with the neuro-toxin synthetic aspartame sweetener – a combination of which will fuck you up faster than one of Pikey Pete’s Plutonium Shakes.

Then we have the environmental pillager likes of BP, Dow Chemical and Rio Tinto – all of whom have worse ethical records than Hitler’s Nazis – and renowned rip-off merchants Visa banning the use of rival credit cards inside the games venues.

Next on the corporate corruption list we have Raving Rupert Mudrock’s News Corporation crime syndicate climbing on the bandwagon with a freebie Olympics Scrapbook to be given away with this coming weekend’s Sunday Shitraker – which will include instructions and codes to enable readers to hack into the e-mails, texts and phone calls of the International Olympics Committee and Logoc members to find out who’s taking bribes from whom.

Plus there’s a free app’ download that allows you to monitor the IOC’s Belgian President Jaques Rogge’s personal cellphone calls and eavesdrop on which events are fixed so you too can run down to your nearest Flatbokes bookies and shove a winning mega-bucks bet on.

Perhaps the responsibility for Logoc taking on the role of ‘Olympics brand police’ should be laid at the feet of Tony Bliar’s New Labour government who passed a piece of exploitative legislation - the London Olympic Games and Paralympic Games Act 2006 - which, together with the Olympic Symbol (Protection) Act of 1995, offers a special level of protection to the Games and their sponsors – commonly known as a bought and paid for ‘Monopoly’.

More at the absolutely bonkers end of things, the backward Third World shithole known as the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and still living in the Dark Ages (1433) has finally convinced their Mutaween religious police to turn a blind eye and allow females of the species to participate in the Olympic events.

Alas, like McD’s dodgy sponsorship, this permit comes with a dictatorial price tag: they are bound to compete while wearing the traditional and ubiquitous Saudi split-arse dress – the burkha.

The Harvard-educated Saudi female 100 meters sprint champion, Sharmuta bin Bala’a il A’air, who holds the Kingdom’s record of 5 minutes / 19 seconds, opined to a reporter from the Trip Hazard Review that “How the fuck am I supposed to run the 100 meters wearing this effin’ black tent and win a gold medal? And just imagine the handicap for my compadre Zeenat Neekni Sahrawi, having to compete in the 200 meters Breaststoke swimming event wearing a burkha.”

Meanwhile Greece, the progenitor of the Olympics, under austerity measure restrictions from the EUSSR in Brussels, will be unable to afford to sponsor a team for the 2012 Games as they can’t raise a kitty to pay for the bus fares from Athens to London.

Here’s one to ponder over - the Sri Lankan Olympics rifle shooting team will be made up of ‘rehabilitated’ ex-Tamil Tiger rebel forces snipers – with team leader Achmed Jaffacake commenting to media hacks “This will be a first for us – firing live rounds at a static target as in the past we’ve only shot government troops on the run.”

Rumours that the Afghan Taliban will be fielding a team of athletes to compete against Eire’s IRA in the Freestyle Bomb-Chucking event remain unconfirmed.

Last but not least on the burgeoning controversy / scandal mania trail, the US Team will be kitted out in uniforms costing $2,000 bucks apiece – all designed by the prestigious Ralph Lauren – but with a Made in China sweatshop label attached. God bless America and patriotism be fucked.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Anonymous said...

Some nice unique turns of phrase.
Love the News Corp hacking app bit and the Tamil Tigers rifle team. Nearly choked on my coffee.
Keep up the good work - my smile of the day reading your stuff.

Fletch said...

Yeah thought the Tamil Tiger snipers bit was h8ilarious - until read elsewhere that it's true - no shit the team are all ex-snipers.