Saturday, 28 July 2012

HMRC Sets Up Schoolkid Gestapo

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Based on the fatally-flawed founding edicts of Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society, moronically devised to be staffed and fuelled by droves of unpaid ‘volunteers’, HM Revenue and Customs, working in conjunction with the Common Purpose social engineering group, are in the process of establishing a Junior Snitch & Grassers Division comprised of school children – the first batch of whom are being trained to spot ‘cash-in-hand’ tradesmen and other generalised scallies in their neighbourhoods suspected – like scores of zillionaire Tory Party donors - of not paying their fair share of income tax.

Hence, with our once-sceptred isle’s local handymen, who hold the fabric of Broken Britain’s insolvent society together, recently being branded as ‘immoral pariahs’ by the Libservative Coalition’s Treasury Minister David 'Halitosis' Gauke due their criminal propensity for doing odd jobs at a knock-down price in exchange for ready cash remuneration – they are to be targeted by the HMRC’s kiddie spies for their perceived sins.

For inciting this tax delinquency witch hunt, Gauke, the incumbent Tory MP for South-West Twatborough, and known to friends and associates alike as ‘The Guru from Mount Know-it-All’, was duly awarded New Labour’s Order of the OTT for stigmatising not only the offending handymen but also their clients for the ‘invoice-less’ paying of cash instead of engaging the services of established VAT registered companies at £100 quid per call-out / by the hour which nowadays seem to consist of bungling pikey wood butchers impersonating skilled carpenters - along with droves of migrant electricians and plumbers, single-handedly capable of fucking up a perfectly good anvil, who end up padding the overall costs of replacing a kitchen sink faucet seal to the equivalent of Spain’s next IMF bank bailout package.

In a vain effort to combat this tax avoidance practice, HMRC has set up teaching modules to guide children through the hazards of dodging PAYE, VAT and National Insurance contributions.
Based on the age-old British traditions of twitching curtains and over the fence fishwife gossip, the 2012 approach will be bolstered with the good old 20th Century practice of rooting through a neighbour’s garbage - perfected to a virtual ‘black art’ by celebrity snoop, Bernie ‘The Binman’ Pell.

Some of the modules – which can be downloaded from HMRC’s website – are designed to brainwash school children as young as 11 - via Common Purpose style NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) techniques - about coughing up their fair share of tax on Cub Scouting ‘Bob-a-Job’ earnings, paper round income and the money-spinning ‘Penny for the Guy’ seasonal cornucopias.

One intimidating module lesson titled ‘Tax Responsibilities of a Good Citizen’ – targeted at 4 to 6 year olds – requires kindergarten students to discuss a ‘common good’ duty to pay a voluntary tax on their pocket money – and the severe penalties for tax evasion – including the confiscation of all their toys and having to stand in the corner after school - wearing a dunce hat.

Ron McScrote, the director of the civil rights Twat-Watch charity opined to a press hack from the Totalitarians Gazette “So, why not have a discount fer cash incentives? It’s gotta be better than anything this train crash of a fucked-up Austerity Coalition government have on offer, cos it’s a victimless crime where only the tossers at HMRC lose out.”

“Fer fuck’s sake, It's the handyman’s responsibility ter pay his taxes, not mine ter have ter police him. Yer can bet that most tradesmen spend mobs of their cash earnings down the pub an’ betting shop an’ hence back inter public circulation - whereas the moneyed elite squander theirs on whores and catamites in far-off luxury island republic tax havens that cater ter the disgusting peccadilloes of zillionaire sexual perverts and druggies.”

“But this bullshit of recruitin’ schoolkids inter a neighbourhood Gestapo force ter spy on local tradesmen doin’ a few cash in hand jobs is just the next dystopian tip-toe step on the path ter a panopticon, cashless society control grid when the Rothshite crime syndicate’s banksters get ter handle every bit of electronic lucre ter offer as tribute before the altar of Mammon.”

“So, parents take heed now schools have broken up fer the summer an’ yer about ter stick yer kids in kennels fer a couple of weeks while yer go on yer effin’ Honeymoon redux holiday ter the Costa Fortune. This is wot the government an’ HMRC have got planned ter programme the younger generation inter brain dead compliance – an’ when yer get home yer better watch yer backs cos yer kids are gonna be fully trained an’ indoctrinated Big Brother spies workin’ fer the Nanny State.”
“An’ don’t give me any of that conspiracy theory crap either cos this worked fer Hitler – and fer the Soviet states – and fer Mao an’ his Cultural revolution in China.”

Thought for the day. Anyone hear a muffled shuffling? That’s the sound of MPs and cabinet ministers squirming uncomfortably in their seats as their stifled consciences stir in the memory of years of doling out expenses-claimed taxpayers cash to a legion of pikey jack of all trades for building their duck islands and dredging their country pile moats.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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