Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Team GB Gets Gold for Snafu Event

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

There might be a well-deserved shit storm over the legions of empty seats at the Olympic Games events – assigned to corporate sponsors and the over-privileged IOC’s Very Important Pondscum who couldn’t be arsed to turn up but there’s no fear of that situation manifesting its ugly hear at Wembley with the Olympic soccer matches – after the Met’s bungling Plod Squad lost the keys to the stadium.

In recognition for this latest fubar adding to their burgeoning litany of similar chaotic blunders, like ‘misplacing’ the keys to the Wimbledon courts front gate, games organiser Locog have been awarded a booby prize medal for their pathetic attempt to utilise the power of rhetoric over logic and convince the media that keys lost besides, this incident has in no way compromised the security of the Wembley Stadium – with a press statement that “Well, if the plods or the soccer players can’t get in then neither can any terrorist types.”

The latest fiasco threatened to further damage already fragile confidence in security arrangements for the Games when the missing lasers keys issue provoked a furious behind-the-scenes row between Plod Squad officers and G4S Renta-Thug security guards, who almost came to blows over who was at fault for their loss - with the former eventually having to use a borrowed crowbar to force the stadium’s front doors to let the soccer teams in.

To further the irony of the situation of having to replace a complete set of high tech BD/SM Dominatrix style laser locks and keys – the same type used by the Israelis in their Facility 1391 torture centre and affiliated concentration camps - that cannot be picked or cloned and cost in excess of £40,000 quid - Scotland Yard is not treating the incident as criminal but putting it down to the precepts of Hanlon’s Razor: specifically ‘never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity’.

While the jury’s still out on the content of the last paragraph, Scotland Yard admitted last night that it was to blame for the shocking breach and had deployed search teams in a desperate hunt for the keys after they were ‘mislaid’ during the final preparations for the Games.
Hmmm, thank Christ it wasn’t the spoon pin out of a primed M26-A1 frag’ grenade.

In excess of £600 million quid has been spent securing Games venues, using more than 13,000 police officers from across Britain – and as many security guards as G4S could recruit for temporary employment at minimum wages – with the Royal Navy anchored in the Thames, the RAF patrolling the skies above, and 22nd SAS troopers hiding behind every fast food chew n spew stall – and still they can’t look after a set of keys between them.

With Games tickets being touted for a King’s ransom (equivalent of the last Greek bailout by the IMF) that none of the local peasantry have a cat in hell’s chance of affording, mobs of Army troops from the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 14th Body Bag Brigade have been reassigned from their security duties by Locog to fill the scores of vacant seats and make the events look fully attended – which has prompted bored G4S (Good-4-Shit) insecurity guards to hold their own Olympic ’10 metre Spitting Event’ by leaning over the balcony and gobbing on the squaddies sat below.

Thought for the day: Hmmm, did any of their moronic number check to see if the keys are on a piece of string hanging inside the Webley Stadium letterbox? That’s where my Gran’ keeps hers. Foolproof (albeit perhaps not Plod Squad or G4S Renta-Moron proof).

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Bet someone's getting their ass burned over that one.