Thursday, 26 July 2012

UK Airport Security Downgraded to ‘SHIT’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the run-up to the Olympic Games opening extravaganza on Friday 27th July – with a joint agency force of some 50,000 military, Met plods, MI5 goons and private security and other assorted thugs and morons now fielded to guard the ultra-hyped commercial fiasco amid heightened rumours of an Iranian / Hezbollah terrorist squad on the loose around Europe and planning a sneak attack being spread thick and fast by Israel’s Chicken Little Black Propaganda Institute for Advanced Scaremongering and their Zionist-controlled gutter press – Broken Britain’s airport security rating has ironically been downgraded from ‘Could Try Harder’ to ‘Utter Shite’.

This drastic and embarrassing reclassification is due an 11-year old scrote passing through five levels of security at Manchester International Airport ‘s Terminal One yesterday: specifically check-in queue ticket inspection, actual check-in, departure lounge entry check, the tetra-wave ‘insta-tumour’ full body scanner check – then negotiating the Borders Agency immigration barrier unhindered – through the boarding gate and welcomed onto Snafu-Air’s flight to Rome by some tosspot of a stewardess: all without any cash, baggage, or a ticket, or a boarding pass, or a passport – then to cap a stellar record of gross incompetence, was also missed during a pre-flight passenger head-count on the plane.

The flight crew only became aware of his actual ‘stowaway’ presence once suspicious passengers alerted cabin staff to a potential problem when the boy laid out his chemistry set on the seatback drop-down table and started mixing a noxious smoke-belching blend of shampoo, black pepper, brake fluid and bleach, while giggling to himself and chanting and chanting “Insha’Allah, you heathen motherfuckers”.

Italian security forces were alerted to the security breach and when the flight touched down at Rome’s Fuckupcimo Airport the boy was bundled into a government issue North Face black holdall and put on a scheduled CIA extraordinary rendition flight straight back to Manchester where his Mum, Plod Squad officers and a team of interrogators from MI6’s Waterboarding Unit were waiting to ask him a few questions about his little trip.

The UK’s Transport Secretary Justine ‘Piranha Teeth’ Greenthing, the Tory blonde-moment MP for Slutney, informed one press hack from the Fubar Gazette “Oh my God, not another major security balls-up just before the sodding Olympics. Why does this shit have to happen on my shift? I just hope it’s that bunch of useless dog wankers from G4S who are responsible again – then we can really put the boot in and distract the stupid public from focusing on all the other government screw-ups.”

As to the villain of the peace, a certain 11-year old Ronnie McSkanger was turned over to his mother Chantelle at their Stench Hill ‘sink or swim’ council housing estate home after arriving back at MIA, who informed the media “Our Ronnie’s become a right little twat since he converted ter Islam last year after watchin’ a documentary on the telly about Muslim suicide bombers goin’ ter Paradise an’ havin’ seventy-odd perpetual virgins ter service their every three-hole kinky sexual desire an’ fetish.”

“He goes down ter the madrassa at the local mosque an’ gets all these daft ideas about wantin’ ter be one of them Semtex Saracens an’ like his hero, that Taliban bloke, Shaheed al Ka-Boom wot the Yanks an’ NATO’s always tryin’ ter get wiv their Predator drone missiles.”

“Anyway, he nicks a copy of the Koran from the library an’ uses me new Argos sheepskin rug as a prayer mat, then joins the Junior Jihad Club in Rusholme an’ spent all last Guy Fawkes Night stickin’ penny bangers down his shirt front an’ gettin’ a feel of what it’s like ter blow yerself up. But that’s kids for yer at that age – very impressionable.”

As to Ronnie himself (aka Abu Himar) he told reporters “How the fuck I ended up in Rome I’m bolloxed if I know cos I wanted ter get on a flight ter Bulgaria an’ blow up a bus an’ kill a load of Mossad’s Operation Bayonet agents wot our Mullah sez is sneakin’ inter Europe through the EU’s back door on false flag terror missions.”

Stop press: In an attempt to regain a modicum of their recently-devastated credibility, the G4S (Good-4-Shit) Renta-Thug Security Agency have issued a pre-emptive media release disclaimer that they had nothing to do with the ‘train wreck’ security manning disaster at Manchester Airport.

Thought for the day. So who’s to blame – the airline, the security contractors, the tossers manning the Border Agency desks, Ronnie’s Mum, our once-Christian moralist society – or a combination of the lot?
The again perhaps the philosophy of Hanlon’s Razor might apply: “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Fletch said...

Brilliant. A real class one piss-take.

Anonymous said...

A great piece of parody on a real event. The media coverage of the kid bypassing security and making them all look like knobheads was funny enough in itself but turning the kid into a mad Muslim Jihadist is a kicker.