G4S Renta-Thug Security Fubar

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Scabby Bertin, the official Downing Street spokeswoman for the UK’s Dog & Pony Show of an excuse for a Libservative Coalition government, was yesterday once again forced into the unenviable position of having to defend PM ‘Austerity Dave’ Scameron – this time viz the executive decision to release 3,500 troops of the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and 18th Body Bag Brigade from their poppy-guarding duties in Afghanistan’s Bellend Province.

The plan is to fly them back to Blighty immediately, if not sooner, to ensure maximum security coverage at the 30 venues hosting Olympic sporting events following the G4S Renta-Thug Agency’s announcement that their plans to field 10,400 civilian guards are now best described as a ‘Shambles’ – spelled with a large, capital S.

Not missing half a chance to stick a knife in the government’s back, New Labour’s shadow Home Secretary Yvette Cooper opined to media hacks that “Personally I don’t consider the G4S effort – or rather the lack of it – to be a ‘shambles’. It’s more accurately described as a total fucking disaster to suddenly declare “Hey, we’re 3,500 security guards short of a full load” – as Al Qaeda’s Jolly Jihad terrorists must be clapping their hands – along with Mossad and a bunch of other likely false flag agent provocateurs.”

“Really, for these complacent twats at the MoD and Home Office, specifically Defence Secretary ‘Dandruff’ Hammond and security minister James Brokenshite to turn around now, at this late hour, and say they simply relied on G4S to do their job is a lack of oversight and merely passing the buck for their own bungling and making G4S the patsy.”

Back in 2010, G4S Security (formerly known as Fuckups-R-Us) signed a contract with Locog (London Organizing Committee for the Olympics Games) to supply 2,000 security staff to work at Olympic venues – a number boosted by a further 8,000-plus last December to a total of 10,400 uniformed guards - with a contract value of £284 million quid.

Allowing for attrition – a reduction in staff numbers due factors such as economic migrants from Eastern Europe and the Balkans being deported for carp and swan poaching, the human trafficking of sex slaves and impersonating plumbers - plus a host of like criminal activities - the company had to recruit nearly 14,000 people in total.
Of the 110,000 unemployed EUSSR pikey types who applied for security jobs, approximately 50,000 were interviewed, with 4,000 ex-Serbian militia having been vetted for outstanding war crimes warrants – and now ready to go.

A further 9,000 applicants, including 3,000 squaddies the Ministry of Defence had just made redundant and were scheduled to sign up with G4S, were in the process of being trained and given security clearance until they went for their psychiatric evaluation reviews and 75% came back with a ‘Psycho / Reject’ red stamp on their reports.

G4S CEO Dick Chuckles, a former 21st Barbarians Regiment welfare officer assigned to Iraq’s notorious Abu Ghraib Prison, informed one press hack from the Fubar Gazette that "We are very, very disappointed and embarrassed as this is a bigger fuck-up than our last big fuck-up - when a van-load of Muslim terrorist suspects in transit from Smegmadale Magistrates Court to Bellmarsh Prison escaped, buggered the two guards and then stole the vehicle.”

Questioned on the controversial point that hundreds of recruits couldn’t speak English, Chuckles replied “That’s not our fault – blame the government and Brussels - as under EUSSR legislation all these pikey immigrants have a right to work in the UK."
“However, it doesn’t help matters when we have certain gutter press tabloids referring to our ‘Bridging the Gap’ programme guards who’ve just completed their Security Industry Authority (SIA) training courses as ‘uniformed dildos’ – even if the majority are a bit IQ-challenged.”

Chuckles, yet another overpaid incompetent twat who reportedly earns £1.2 million nicker per annum in salary and – don’t laugh – ‘performance bonuses’, further elaborated: "It was only a couple of weeks ago we realised that 60% of the new recruits were as thick as pigshit and didn’t have the brains to wipe their own arses, never mind foil a Jolly Jihad Islamic terrorist plot – and the other 40% were actually Muslim Semtex Saracen fanatics out to join our security force so they could get an up close and personal crack at destroying our democratic freedoms by suicide bombing the ginormous 1,500 seat McDonald’s chew n spew branch in the Olympic Park.”

Logoc spokeswoman Fellattia Titwank, speaking to a reporter from Snafu magazine, related that “What a balls-up this has turned out to be – and G4S have only had two years to get their shit together. Talk about leaving things to the last minute - personally I’ve seen better organised riots. Their original contract was tendered at £284 million then they claimed the extra guards requested last year upped the ante to £330 million.”
“Now, while their services have fallen far short of the contractual remit, they’re whingeing that they stand to lose in the region of £30 to £50 million due their own incompetence and having to pay for the fielding of 3,500 Army troopers.”

“How can you suddenly turn around and nonchalantly notice that you’re 3,500 staff short of a full complement of 10,400? From what I’ve seen of their guards I thought they just went out and shook the trees for new recruits - or down to the Jobless Centres press-ganging all the yobs stood around like Curious George and Mickey the Moron.”

“And Lord Coe’s pathetic attempt to pour oils on troubled waters by telling the press he’ll have the Javelin event teams standing guard and second the Weightlifting and Judo teams as bouncers simply isn’t going to cut it.”

Frank Snitch, an ex-G4S employee with a chip on his shoulder, and bearing a grudge the size of Quasimodo's hump, informed the Whistleblowers Review that “Yer got 3,300 teenagers recruited from Asbo Central Academys around Britain wot woz hired as front-line security guards at the Games an’ these trainees failed ter detect shoulder-fired SAMs, dirty bombs an’ other weapons of mass distraction in practice checks.”
“These tossers received two days of trainin’ in how ter operate X-ray machines, but still didn’t notice grenades an’ firearms an’ other large metallic objects like cast iron manhole covers carried by test spectators.”

Baz McScrunt of the Twat-Watch civil rights group had this to say to the media. “Seriously, G4S are a bunch of professional bunglers and about as much use as tits on a bull, and they’re being tasked with forming a ring of steel security perimeter around this over-priced corporate jamboree - what an effin’ joke.”

“How the fuck are the likes of a bunch of amateurs of G4S’s pisspot calibre going to foil Operation Gladio style false flag terrorist attacks fielded by veteran intelligence services – especially when we have the Israeli’s ICTS involved with ‘security checks’ – and Verint Systems manning the CCTV security systems – same as on 9/11 and 7/7.”

Thought for the day: Well, it is a worry if the G4S personnel transiting prisoners and guarding the jails are as big a bunch of dog-wankers as the evidence indicates - amateurs posing as professionals.
While Hanlon’s Razor states “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity” - Murphy’s Law maintains that “Whatever can go wrong most certainly will”.
However, with the ineptitude-proven G4S Insecurity Group being involved with the Olympic venues, Flanagan’s Precept must surely apply – which states “Murphy was an Optimist”.

Perhaps it’s just me, but as an ex-military officer the concept of fielding a 50,000 mix of army, navy, air force, plods and private security morons to guard 84,000 spectators does seem to be ‘a bit’ on the overkill side.
The total troop deployment in and around London represents 7,000 more personnel than currently assigned to the British operational aspect of NATO deployment in Afghanistan.

To wit, when we have Air Vice-Marshal Stuart ‘Bonkers’ Atha, the Olympics air security commander, informing the media that “The RAF are ready to use ‘lethal force’ against any unauthorised aircraft that dares to flout restrictions by flying anywhere near the Olympic venues” – then we have a problem as any such aircraft blasted by RAF fighters – or one of the Army’s Shitstreak roof-mounted missile batteries – is going to come crashing down on ‘populated’ London and make as equally devastating fuck-up as the threat hitting its intended target.

On a lighter note, passengers arriving for the 2012 Olympics via Thiefrow are being advised to reschedule their flights to land a couple of days early as they still face twenty-four-hour queues at immigration thanks to a staffing fubar by the Borders Agency – compounded by further travel chaos due the M4, which links Heathrow to London, being closed for repairs for the foreseeable future.

Hmmm, all the waffle and bullshit besides, what we’d like to see is this clusterfuck of a coalition focus on its shortcomings and field a ‘Britain Gets Its Shit Together’ campaign.

So, if you have a ticket for the Olympics, stay aware of the over-clichéd phrase: “Be afraid – be very afraid”.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.