Cleggy Reinvents Victorian ‘Knockers-Up’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Due being lambasted by certain unpatriotic Bolshie elements of the gutter press as ‘the daftest idea the Government has come up with since their last daft idea’, the Libservative Coalition’s spin doctors have gone into a rabid ‘attack dog’ mode, with Downing Street’s ‘Soundbite Scabby’ Bertin leading the defence of Lib-Dum Deputy PM Mick Clogg’s ‘mentoring scheme’ – a £126 million quid Youth Contract which aims to cut the number of Broken Britain’s ‘NEETs’ - 16 to 24-year-old yobsters and assorted scallies ‘Not in Education, Employment or Training’ – from the current 1,163,000 by an ‘ambitious’ 55,000.

Soundbite Scabby informed amused reporters “Cloggy’s put a lot of effort into cobbling this youth motivation initiative together and the least the sodding media can do is offer their support and not go into oppositional defiance mode and brand it as yet another of his ‘doomed to fail’ projects – then go round referring to our Coalition as a ‘confederacy of tosspots and losers’.”

In this pilot scheme the government has contracted the Common Purpose-affiliated WWRS Inc (Wakey, Wakey, Rise & Shine) motivational organisation to mentor young people to develop a routine – specifically by kicking them out of bed of a morning in an effort to get them to go to school or report to the Jobless Centre and do combat with a bunch of money-grubbing pikey migrants from Eastern Europe, fighting over non-existent work opportunities.

The WWRS Inc’s marketing director Bev Titwank informed media hacks that, in her unqualified and misguided opinion, youngsters who were a part of dysfunctional families and had dropped out of school, really appreciated that there was someone who cared for them – with their ex-military ‘mentors’ being encouraged to build up a personal relationship – even if it did involve a bully-boy / victim relationship – with the latter copping for the odd good thumping due non-compliance.

After two years of broken campaign trail pledges, outright lies and having ‘Austerity’ forced down our throats like some noxious emetic – until even the mention of ‘budget cuts’ makes us throw up - PM Posh Dave Scameron and DPM Mick ‘Turncoat’ Clogg (now a closet case Tory) have earned the unanimous and deserved public opinion of jointly representing the stark image of a failed society – and this latest creative scheme to get unqualified ‘Yobs into Jobs’ simply isn’t going to cut it.

Bazzer McScrote, the director of the Twat-Watch charity, opined to media hacks that “This mentorin’ plan of Cloggy’s is doomed ter failure before it kicks off as it’s impossible ter motivate these slack yobs an’ yobettes ter get off their idle arses wivout the aid of a cattle prod or taser – let alone getting’ out of bed in a mornin’ before the pubs open - an’ clockin’ in at some poxy factory ter do eight hours straight graft.”

“So the actual strategy of this campaign is ter field thousands of Big Brother nanny types ter come round in a mornin’ an’ kick these kids outa bed, take ‘em down the Jobless Centre, then drive ‘em ter job interviews - an’ if they get employed ter turn up every day at the crack of dawn an’ wake the twats up, make sure they’re scrubbed and decent an’ drive ‘em off ter their place of work an’ watch them clock in.”

“Fuck me drunk, Cloggy’s the one responsible fer the increase in NEETS cos he scrapped the Education Maintenance Allowance, so yer got more chance of shovin’ butter up a meerkat’s arse wiv a red hot knittin’ needle than makin’ this project work. Wot’s more I don’t care if they are plannin’ on usin’ ex-battlefront squaddies ter deliver motivational sessions ter disaffected and marginalised youngsters through this ill-conceived ‘Killers ter Inspire’ campaign. Whatever else it might be, the dog’s bollocks it most definitely is not.”

“The problem here lies wiv the fact that Mick Clogg’s just like Posh Dave Scameron an’ the numbskull wot was in Downin’ Street before – not the Scots clot Broon, but Triple-Six Tony Bliar. They’re all the type of people wot thinks wood grows on trees an’ suffer from narcissistic personality disorders an’ a deranged sense of self-righteousness.”
“The Coalition’s ‘one size fits all’ rhetoric simply creates a left-right paradigm anomaly – an’ the perpetuation of their flawed logic policies results in denial and sophistry – an’ this adopted culture of lyin’ is no foundation fer a solid industrial base.”

Cloggy’s scheme came in for lashings of sour grapes criticism from New Labour MPs - as they’d never thought of it first - with the killjoy shadow work and pensions secretary Fellattia Gamerouche claiming it was all too little and much too late to patch up the damage done by the Tory leader Maggie Twatcher’s 1980’s ‘Fuck the Unions’ doctrine and ensuing menopausal madness de-industrialisation campaign to replace the ‘Great’ prefix to Britain with the word ‘Broken’

Thought for the day: Any persons now unemployed and signing on at the Joblesscentre that are still optimistic about finding work will be henceforth labelled as ‘delusional’ – and are liable to be sectioned.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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