‘Fifty Shades’ Trilogy Boosts BD/SM Industry

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

While the length and breadth of Broken Britain might still be in the throttling grasp of a triple-dip recession – known in the halcyon days before politically-correct bullshit euphemisms became the haute mode fashion as a simple scorched earth ‘Depression’ – the publishing of the Fifty Shades trilogy - apart from being a boon to the bookselling trade and a great aid to masturbation – is providing an even greater boost to the BD/SM equipment supply industry and affiliated adult sex toy markets.

So too in a bizarre twist, due experiencing yet another one of our typical British hosepipe ban summers and record falls of rain - and a lack of sales, the iconic Mr Whippy ice cream van franchise has begun selling a variety of flagellation aids: tawses, rattan canes, riding crops, bullwhips– and the ultimate cat of ten tails – along with a kinky ‘Fifty Shades’ rainbow-hued butt plug-shaped ice popsicle.

Feral Beryl McSkanger, the authoress of the record-selling ‘granny-porn’ trilogy and a genuine Chelsea-based true lifestyle Agony Aunt Dominatrix, was interviewed earlier this week on the BBC’s Fetish Corner programme by Andrew Marr, and gave the bat-eared presenter an autographed first edition hardback copy of her Fifty Shades of Off-White – printed on jism-proofed paper.

McSkanger’s best-seller is set in the Square Mile of the City of London, where her female protagonist, Ms. Takem Orloff, a Russian émigré stripper turned celebrity Dominatrix, maintains a high class NLP discipline therapy clinic, complete with basement dungeon, that serves to instruct scumbag banksters and Whitehall political types in the error of their immoral ways.

The first instalment of the trilogy traces the Mistress and submissive slave relationship between Orloff and a guilt-ridden Roman Catholic priest, Father Ignatius Scumerotti – and while being no literary masterpiece is in a class of its own and notable for explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual fetish practices involving bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism – colloquially referred to by the acronym BD/SM.

The ‘Fifty Shades’ title is derived from the varying hues of red and purple Madame Orloff leaves the cheeks of Father Scumerotti’s arse after a good, sound flagellation session as punishment for his suppressed paedophile desires to sodomise his pretty 11-year old choir boys – and rogering himself with an altar candle while jacking off into the font.

Ms McSkanger informed a gob-smacked Andrew Marr that she had relied heavily on her own Dominatrix ‘sexperiences’ at her ‘studio’ located in Chelsea’s prestigious Max Mosley Memorial Gardens for the trilogy’s explicit content.
“If I ever dared actually publish details of the kinks and fetishes of some of the real life Mr Smith clients that are on my books then the government might collapse tomorrow – or MI5 would have me suicided up in the Grassy Knoll Woods like Dr David Kelly.”

“I’ve had most of the House of Conmans MPs and Whitehall civil servants bent over my dungeon’s naughty boy bench for a spankeroo session. Plus I get all these yuppie types an’ other dog wankers from the City coming round for golden showers, Tabasco sauce enemas and mock castrations - or to get suspended by their scrotums while I give them one up the jacksy with a nine inch strapon dildo.”

“Really, they are a bunch of disgusting little twats and I often ponder what would their Mother’s say if they knew how much they’d paid me in tribute to fit them out with Prince Albert piercings and have Madame Orloff branded on their fat arses.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.