UK Citizenship Test ‘Pikey-Proofed’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s ‘blonde moment’ clot of a Home Secretary, Theresa Maybe, is reported to be suffering another bout of menopausal madness and planning further moronic modifications to the test taken by foreign nationals who, for some perverse, masochistic reason known only to themselves, wish to become British citizens.

The ‘Life in Broken Britain’ exam was introduced by New Labour in 2005 as a bit of a joke conjured up by Tony Bliar’s twat of a spin doctor, Alastair Campbell, and contained questions on how immigrants would go about claiming welfare benefits and suing the UK’s Plod Squad and HM Immigration Service for breaches of the Human Rights & Wrongs Act.

However, all that is about to change and the revised version will henceforth be printed only in English and not every language and gibberish dialect spoken around the Commonwealth - and focus less on the practicalities of daily living in Britain – such as which gutter press red top tabloid has the best set of tits on Page 3.
Further, the revised test will require a more extensive knowledge of why we should be a part of the insolvent, crisis-hit Debtocracy mess of pottage commonly referred to as the 27-member EUSSR Community – and which political party to vote for in future elections – Tory or Conservative.

Aspiring immigrants will henceforth be informed that “Historically Broken Britain is a Protestant God-fearing nation which used to hang Papists, stage pogroms against shifty Shylocks - and burn infidel Moors and pagan witches at the stake – and will soon be introducing legislation to visit similar punishments on any voters caught putting an X in the UKIP box on ballot slips at local elections.”

The Home Office’s all-new 400-page revised format test guidance handbook, aptly titled “Citizenship for Dummies” will see potential immigrants having to learn the first verse of Kipling’s iconic poem “Take Up the White Man’s Burden” – memorise the entire text of Enoch Powell’s infamous 1968 ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech - and be expected to learn the why’s and wherefore’s of characters like Lord Byron, the Duke of Wellington, Shakespeare and other historical and socio-cultural pariahs such as Guy Fawkes, Dick Turpin, Jack the Ripper and Harold Shipman.

Further guidance will be provided on simple Common Law regulations – specifically that ‘paedophilia’ is illegal in the UK (unless one has a Masonic or Roman Catholic priesthood exemption) and the carp and swans inhabiting the ponds in public parks are not ‘fair game’ for anyone with a hook, line and crust of bread - or snare or cudgel – and letter boxes are fitted to facilitate the delivery of mail and not to urinate through if taken short following a heavy session on the Old Headbanger or Tyskie lager.

Thought for the day: Hmmm, the planned questions section on English pirates, such as Blackbeard and Henry Morgan, should prove a 'role model' doddle for the Somali refugee applicants.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.