Thursday, 1 December 2011

Celebrity Memorabilia Feeding Frenzy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In an effort to demonstrate just how bonkers the population of Broken Britain has become during the current belt-tightening depression, a grocery shopping list, scribbled out on the back of a Top Secret document and signed by the UK’s wartime leader Sir ‘Winnie the Poo’ Churchill, is to be flogged off in a prestigious memorabilia auction this week at Smegmadale-on Sea – with an excess of fifty internet and telephone bids already booked – in addition to the scores of bids expected from in-house attendee patrons.

The two-paged shopping list - dated 14th October 1940 – was handed to Churchill’s main runner and gopher of the early war years, one Baz ‘The Raz’ Razzington, to source on the black market around London’s East End – and is predicted to attract bids that will far surpass the reserve price of £600 quid.
Perhaps for aficionados of Churchill memorabilia this might constitute quite a unique find as it provides insights into his mindset via the scrupulously marginalised advisories referencing each item on the off-chance Razzington came up empty handed and an alternative had to be sourced.

Halfway down the list’s first page we find: “Bog rolls – the soft tissue kind that won’t play havoc with my haemorrhoids when I take a crap.”
“Marmite – big jar – and not that Vegemite shit our Antipodean cousins are trying to pawn off on us as payback for Gallipoli – that tastes like hedgehog poo.”
“Beluga caviar – see Big Igor at the Soviet Embassy – tell him it’s for Winnie and drop him a couple of secrets.”
“Birthday card for that old scrubber Eleanor Roosevelt – bit late as it was last week - so get that Nazi-loving Fenian scumbag Joe Kennedy to stick it in the US Embassy diplomatic bag for her.”

The reverse sides of the two-page list are dotted with comments from Razzington, justifying his expenditures. “Zilch on US-made Delsey shithouse paper – supply convoy sunk mid-Atlantic – managed to nick three rolls from House of Lords toilets – gave the lavvy attendant sixpence - plse don’t grass me up, Winnie.”

Unsubstantiated rumours claim that Razzington was the ‘bee’s knees’ when it came to black market provisions, including booze and drugs – and also the covert supply of ‘two-legged’ merchandise - the best whores in Soho for bachelor parties around the moneyed aristocracy’s and political elite’s Mayfair clubs. Household Cavalry Guardsmen rented by the hour for those inclined towards the sins of Sodom – and a selection of Barnado’s orphans for the Whitehall and House of Conmans kiddie fiddlers – as profuse in the 1940’s as they still are today – thanks to Tony Bliar scotching the Yard’s Operation Ore following the arrest of his top Parliamentary aide Phillip ‘Cuddles’ Lyon on paedophilia-related charges.

In addition to Churchill’s grocery list, other ‘biddable’ collectors’ items include personal letters from Charles Lutwidge Dodgson – the cross-dressing children’s author who penned ‘Alice in Wonderland’ under the name of Lewis Carroll – and 'The Perils of Fellattia’ with the nom de plume Che-Che La Twatt.

The lots also comprise several personal journals, with those of the Duke of Wellington’s brother, Bootsie; the British Fascist Party leader Oswald ‘Spankies’ Mosley; and the former Conservative prime minister Robert Orange Peel making up a mere sampling of the list.

While the provenance has yet to be certified, fervent interest is being focused on a leather-bound journal believed to be Hitler’s 1945 diary – recently discovered on the bookshelves of Shylock Scattstein’s Vienna pawnshop – wrapped in Howard Hughes’ last will and testament – with sealed top dollar bids being received from a certain German politician, Ms Angela Merkel – and too Utah’s Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Morons.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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