Monday, 26 December 2011

Broken Britain Bails Out Broken Africa

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, the UK’s Libservative Coalition Government has its domestic priorities screwed up like a soup sandwich yet again, with 9,000 tons of Christmas hampers and festive goodies being shipped out to the Horn of Africa in ‘food aid’ to feed an estimated 800,000 mooching gits.

International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell, the Tory MP for Slutton Coldfeet, informed one media hack from the Begging Bastards Review that zillions of hapless Third World peasants are in danger of missing out on a decent Christmas dinner as a result of the global economic downturn and deepening depression – which prompted sarcastic wits to question whether he was referring to Broken Britain or Somalia.

Not to be put down or made to look a bigger prick than he already is, Mitchell went into pontification mode, justifying the food aid shipments with reasons of the region being stricken by drought and famine – which prompted an automatic response from critics that “Of course they’re fucking starving – the stupid twats are living in the middle of a sodding desert - what does anyone expect.”

Mitchell claims the latest UN estimate is that in excess of 100,000 people have died since Thanksgiving. "Personally as I sit down to my traditional Xmas dinner of stuffed turkey and cranberry sauce followed by mince pies - and figgy pudding with silver three-penny bits stuck in it - conscience would play havoc with my digestion if those poor little piccaninnys in the Somalian outback who’ve never tasted our Greedy Grocer microwave-ready festive meals or one of Pestco’s Finest sausage rolls – or a Pukesbury’s sherry trifle, didn’t have the opportunity to tuck into even a simple repast of breadsticks and Stilton with a glass of port – and pull a couple of crackers together to cheer up their otherwise shitty pagan existences.”

Conversely, Baz McSkanger, the director of Ox-Rat, the government abuse watchdog charity, opined to gutter press reporters that “Bollocks ter the dysfunctional Horn of effin’ Africa – that smug-faced twat Scameron an ‘ his bleedin’ Tories should be sendin’ food parcels up ter the Horn of Lancashire an' the jobless wilderness of Yorkshire ter help out all the unemployed an’ homeless fuckers wot’s bin hit by this bankster-engineered recession an’ Georgie Osborne’s austerity programme wot’s gutted the welfare benefits system ter the bone – an’ are stuck on some effin’ landfill site freezin’ their nuts off fer Christmas.”

“Have these pillocks never heard the sayin’ that ‘charity begins at home’? So fuck Somalia – they’ve got a thrivin’ shippin’ an’ piracy industry goin’ fer them – an’ ain’t lumbered wiv Brussels’ EUSSR kleptocrats breathin’ down their necks 24/7, demandin’ they bail out the euro an’ save Greece from the Greeks.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: