Sunday, 18 December 2011

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

BBC Festive Season Warning on Fake Booze

How to spot gash bottles of Bailey’s Kremlin Kream and Drop Dead vodka? Easy – the bottles are surrounded by snuffed Russians strewn across the floor.

Chelsea’s Frank Lampost Benched

Chelsea mid-fielder, the 96-year old Frank Lampost, conspicuously absent from his team’s starting line-up yet again, told one press hack from the Backstabbers Gazette that “It’s the manager - Andrea Villas-Boas. He’s cut me off – I’m powerless. While I might not shine as bright as I used to – the short-arsed Portuguese twat’s just left me in the dark.”
“Bit of a shock as I always considered meself ter be a guidin’ beacon to light the path fer youth team players.”

Political Correctness Goes Bonkers

Teachers in charge of a Yorkshire toddlers’ kindergarten group have changed a potentially offensive sign language gesture in a nursery rhyme.
The hand gesture for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star contains a symbol that could be misinterpreted as indicating the human female genitalia – colloquially referred to as the ‘pussy’, ‘snatch’ or ‘cunt’.

The Common Purpose-trained (read ‘NLP brainwashed batshit crazy’) staff at the Numb Nuts Sure Start centre in Moronborough made the changes after attending a sign language course and realising the hand actions for the word ‘star’ had a dual meaning and a recital of the iconic nursery rhyme might be interpreted by a deaf mute with a one track mind as ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Twat’.

Ms Bev Titwank, the assistant director for young people's services, informed one press hack from the Ambiguity Review that "The decision was taken to prevent deaf children or deaf parents being offended by the use of the gesture and to ensure that the correct sign language signal was used.”
"However, parents have not been banned from using the ‘other’ naughty sign as the Yorkshire Education Authority does not have a policy over this matter – preferring people to use their common sense when calling a spade a ‘spade’ – or, in this particular case, a cunt a ‘cunt’, for that matter."

UK’s Historical Enemies – Daggers Drawn

In a typical display of back-stabbing sour grapes for Posh Dave Scameron vetoing the fatally-flawed EUSSR treaty change last week – designed to federalize the 27 member community into a German-dominated Nazi model fascist state, the moronic French Finance Minister Francois Le Merde (aka Le Enfant Imb├ęcile) has joined PM Francois Fillet Mignon become the latest Gorf (backward ‘frog’) to allege that Broken Britain’s economic situation is less than perfect – and in a worse state than their own – and hence divert attentions from Standard & Poor’s threat to slash their treble AAA credit rating to triple ZZZ.

So here we have yet another over-paid clot that, despite his bandied academic credentials and attaining a lofty official position of political power, is not particularly bright when it comes to the thinking game.

Britain’s working classes (unemployed, part-timers and otherwise) are acutely aware of their once-sceptred isle’s fiscal problems – as half the country’s homeless - plus every other fucker and their dog – the great unwashed 99% - no longer have a pot to piss in, never mind a couple of £1 quid coins to rub together – and do not require some dingbat French dog wanker to point out the obvious.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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