Wednesday, 14 December 2011

101 is the All-New 999

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, working with Plod Squads across the grim, depression-hit north of England, have introduced a novel three-digit numerical dialling sequence for non-emergency use – in a concerted effort to divert calls from unemployed peasants ringing up every morning to see if the police have any vacancies or odd jobs going.

The number, 101, is designed to cut the flood of 999 calls currently being ignored at police stations across the region by redirecting the amount of minor crime and anti-social behaviour reports to alternative unmanned call centres in Bangalore and Delhi – six times zones east of Greenwich.

The idiotic scheme is being introduced by North Yorkshire, Cleveland, Cumbria, Smegmadale and Northumbria police forces – with the Libservative coalition government’s cabinet think tank – the nutty ‘Nudge Unit’ - pushing for all Plod Squads in England and Wales to have a direct 101 line to call centres in India or the Philippines by the end of March 2012.

Chief Constable Jack Knobhead, of North Yorkshire’s Plod Squad, interviewed yesterday on the BBC’s ‘Spot-a-Scrote’ programme, explained that "101 is a memorable number wot’s gonna make it easier fer people ter make enquiries an’ report non-emergency crimes like anti-social behaviour an’ murder – via contactin’ their local ‘Safer Neighbourhood’ monitorin’ team – wot since our budget’s bin slashed all ter shit now consists of some civilian duffer an’ their dog in Poundland hi-viz jackets wot stepped up fer the job under Posh Dave Scameron’s barmy Big Society scheme.”

“Originally we did try fieldin’ a couple of teams of our ‘volunteer plods’ – the PCSOs an’ recycled traffic wardens – them Community Enforcement Officer pricks on hire from Renta-Thug, but collectively they proved ter be a bit ‘intellectually challenged’ – wot’s known around these parts as bein’ as thick as pigshit – a bunch of morons lackin’ the brain power ter wipe their own arses. So that idea got kiboshed after the public slapped ‘em wiv the name ‘Muppets’ – wot’s one of them acronym thingies fer Most Useless Plastic Plod Ever Trained.”

"However, the new system’s designed ter make the boys in blue even more accessible ter our communities while at the same time reducin’ pressure on the emergency services response system – especially when yer have folks wot’s got 999 on their cellphone’s speed dial an’ only call up fer the weather forecast or Lotto results – or report that their BT Broadband connection’s runnin’ very slow an’ that they’re unable ter log on ter Facebook – or some twat’s posted a nasty comment about them on Twitter.”

“Then yer got Grandma ringin’ up wiv some tale that Achmed the postman’s carryin' a big bag around wiv him an’ she reckons it’s got an al Qaeda terrorist bomb in there wot they’ve cobbled together down at the local mosque out of such ridiculous things as shampoo, peroxide an' black pepper.”

Henceforth all 101 calls from Grandma - to report missing cats or Jolly Jihadi Muslim fanatics or local flashers will cost 15p per minute from a land line or mobile – which Plod Squad chiefs hope will boost their Tory-gutted annual budgets and reduce the number of officers being hired out as private security guards and night club / strip joint bouncers to make ends meet.

Deaf, hard of hearing, and speech-impaired persons (excluding Tourettes Syndrome sufferers) unable to understand what the fuck Rajiv or Minjeeter manning the Delhi call centre are saying, will still have the option to ring 999 instead and speak to PC Wormhole Jaffacake.

Durham police spokeswoman WPC Candida Snatchrot, informed one press hack from the Yobsters Gazette that in an emergency – such as a Mexican standoff situation with an armed burglar – members of the public should automatically dial 999 – and continue to listen to the engaged tone until they get bored and decide to take the law into their own hands – at which time a mobile patrol of SO19 Armed Response Unit officers will be dispatched and on the scene in minutes to arrest them for breaching the Scallies Rights Act 2011.

Thought for the day: Home Secretary Theresa Maybe has voiced her support for the new time-wasting 15 pence per call scheme, claiming that 101 will be a lot easier for people to remember than 999. Que? WTF?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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