Huhne’s Ex Missus Bent on Felo-de-Se

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Essex Plod Squad officers have made public their recommendation to the Crown Prosecution Service that Energy Secretary Chris Huhne, the Lib-Dum MP for Fastlane, and his estranged wife Vicky Pryce, both be charged with perjury and perverting the course of justice following an investigation into claims that Huhne conspired to evade the legal penalty for speeding.

A file now with the Director of the CPS reports that Vicky Pryce, Huhne’s wife of 26 years - whom he left in 2005 for a 15-year younger rug-munching bisexual strumpet, Candida Trimingham - should be charged with attempting to pervert the course of justice.

This recommendation derives from Pryce’s personal lemming mode confession – made while dressed only in a penitent’s garb of sackcloth, face daubed with ashes and kneeling before three magistrates and a C of E Bishop – then sworn with her right hand upon the body of a dead heron - that she agreed to commit perjury and take the fall in accepting DVLA penalty points on her licence after her scumbag husband was caught by a speed camera while driving close to Mach 3 down the motorway and wearing a Flop Gear ‘Stig’ helmet so he couldn’t be recognised.

Evidence held by the Essex Plod Squad includes text messages from Pryce’s cellphone in which Huhne told her that there was no case against him unless she decided to “give some legs to it” – and warned that she too could go to prison if she grassed him up over the speeding points issue in retaliation for his shacking up with a younger bit of stuff that enjoyed swinging both ways.

The likelihood of suffering incarceration for her revelations in admitting criminal activity and the prospects of career self-immolation besides, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, as the adage goes – especially when she’s submitted to the indignity of her driving license being loaded up with a bunch of nasty penalty points for her spouse’s speeding offences – only to have the ungrateful bastard toss her aside for some AC/DC minge-eating political lobbyist bitch who’d stab her own mother in the back for a step up the corporate ladder.

The 59-year old Pryce, (nee Vasiliki Courmouzis) - described by friends and family alike as ‘a Greek tragedy looking for somewhere to happen’ – informed one press hack from the Vendetta Gazette “It’s no longer a matter of my nose out of joint. I wouldn’t take the arsehole back even if he crawls naked across a soccer pitch littered with broken glass and anti-personnel mines. Really, on reflection, after 26 years I’m simply fed up with washing his skiddies and getting the damn Viagra prescription renewed.”

“The public might think I’m bent on revenge – and they’d be bloody right too. If I’m going to commit ritual seppuku and go down for perjury ‘and’ perverting the course of justice for saying it was me speeding on the M11 that day, then accepting his penalty points on my license, so be it - but I’m going to take that philandering bastard down with me.”

To add to Huhne’s well-deserved litany of burgeoning woes initiated via Pryce’s classic redux of a Japanese kamikaze pilot’s final act of hara-kiri, he also faces the simmering scandal concerning the nepotistic antics of his opportunist lobbying paramour Trimingham and her blatant influence peddling – arrogantly circulating her CV with conspicuous mention of the fact she has personal access to Libservative Cabinet Ministers and House of Conmans MPs - along with top brass Shitehall civil servants and Upper House peers.

So, for Posh Dave Scameron’s fuck up of a government, following the recent brouhaha involving Tory Defence Minister Dr Liam Pox and his influence-peddling faggot mate Adam Qwerty, another scandal rears its ugly head to add to Huhne’s perjury and perverting the course of justice accusations.

New Labour’s shadow energy minister Frank McScrote, opined to one reporter from the Gold-Diggers Review that “This piranha-toothed skanger Trimingham, wiv her dyke pageboy cut an’ Desperate Dan pugilist’s chin, she’s right out of order - shacked up wiv Huhne as his concubine an’ circulatin’ a CV wot abuses all manner of social connections. It’s bleedin’ incestuous, sendin’ e-mails out ter trans-national energy corporations tellin’ ‘em “If you want a wind farm contract, just let me know – I’ll have Chrissy arrange one for you”.

“It’s bad enough he’s goosin’ a PR consultant wot’s got connections ter most of the major public relations companies in London without her hawkin’ the cabinet minister boyfriend access factor around an’ sendin’ off e-mails temptin’ lobbyists ter – an’ here I quote - “make use of my skills and contacts with Chris’s bent mates”.
“An’ this twat Huhne reckons there’s no conflict of interest. My arse – the whole shebang stinks of graft an’ corruption.”

Conversely and in response, Ms Trimingham has denied she ever boasted to press hacks that “I’m Chris’s committed three-hole whore – he can put as many points on my license as the DVLA will let him.”

Thought for the day: If one was to believe in Karma, and all in the Cosmos turning full-circle, then it might be posited that Huhne’s collective woes are payback for cancelling the Sheffield Forgemasters loan last year. Hmmm, doesn’t God move in mysterious ways.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.