Riot-Related Arsonists to be Shot on Sight

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A radical review jointly undertaken by Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary, in conjunction with the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, has concluded, after long minutes of protracted deliberations - and e-mail input from Flop Gear’s Jeremy ‘Gobshite’ Clarkson - that Broken Britain’s Plod Squads should be sanctioned to shoot – on sight - rioters displaying an inclination for a spot of arson – with that proviso to include anyone in possession of what appears to be a box of matches, lighting up a rollie or a bifta – or caught in possession of a Molotov cocktail with an octane content of more than 75% ABV.

The review found that police training, equipment and organisation were developed largely to deal with set-piece single site confrontations, and not prepared for the widespread, fast-moving and opportunistic tactics employed by the ‘young, upwardly mobile’ protesters last August who, unlike the police, were generally composed of ranks of street smart, intelligent radicals, all able to think on their feet - and not dependent on radio orders from some faceless ranking uniform in the Plod Squad Fuhrer bunker.

According to the Met’s iconic Bully Boy Handbook, officers need to be mob-handed and outnumber rioters by between three and five to one if they are to effectively move forward and make arrests – and not get their own arses kicked in the process. Hence to sharpen up the odds in the police’s favour, a technological edge is required – and with light sabres still being the stuff of Star Wars fantasy, then guns would be the preferred medium of advantage.

Thus, applying subjunctive retrospect and 20/20 hindsight, the review concluded that the use of firearms would be justified given the immediacy of the risk and gravity of possible consequences - if the unemployed Bolshie bastard protesters currently comprising the ranks of the ‘We are the 99%’ get tired of sitting on their arses and ‘Occupying’ some insignificant public edifice – such as the Cottagers Heath public toilets - and decide to target high value commercial properties belonging to the City of London Corporation, or the Freemasons, or some panjandrum council chief’s theme park – or a few banksters’ mansions – or, Heaven forbid, the Royal Family – or the House of Conmans.

Such a ‘domestic terrorism’ scenario response would therefore, to the stagnated intellects of these self-proclaimed elitists now running Broken Britain, be warranted to protect their property from the rage of the disaffected and marginalised common peasantry – the lowly hewers of water and firewood – those that society’s crème de le crème (the Tories) regard with utter and visible contempt.

So that’s the powers-that-be game plan – done and dusted – kit the police out with firearms and live ammo – and shoot would-be arsonists in front of their families. Thank you, Jeremy.

Whoa! Let’s just take a cautious and reflective step back here. Kitting your regular pigshit-thick Plod Squad morons out with handguns and Black Talon ‘scally-stopper’ bullets? Oh no – for fuck’s sake – it was the misuse of guns by the Met’s trigger-happy Shoot First Squad that caused the Tottenham riots in the first place! Bad boy Mark Duggan - targeted for extra-judicial termination and illegally killed (read ‘murdered’) in a one-sided shoot-out.

“Oh yeah, right - he had a gun – we found it 20 meters away from the minicab on the other side of a garden fence – which is where he must have chucked it after he shot PC Dildo’s radio then obliterating all traces of his blood, fingerprints and DNA on the weapon. Sounds reasonable – the Independent Police Coverups Commission will no doubt swallow that one whole” – and did – hook, line and sinker.

Fortunately the canny public, primed to detect a set-up after watching years of CSI repeats, didn’t and smelled a rat from day one – especially after the murder crime scene witnesses reported seeing one plod tossing a handgun over the afore-mentioned garden fence.

The IPCC’s bungling besides, the review maintains that the UK’s Plod Squads need to be better prepared, trained in the ‘rules of engagement’ and ready to fulfil their primary purpose for existence and protect the establishment’s property.
Thus the government are pushing to improve on last August’s pathetic response to violence and looting, when in the New Year socio-economic hardships and tensions, currently building up at a geometric rate, reach a critical mass state and erupt once again into a nation-wide display of civil disobedience which could rapidly become a ‘circus without a tent’ scenario of further riots.

To combat this predicted eventuality, the Met’s Territorial Support Group’s Thug Squad are currently undergoing Taser deployment drills - plus water cannon training - with the use of hose pipes in Scotland Yard’s car park until the actual £1 million quid apiece ‘real thing’ arrives.
However, following a bout of incidents involving severe electric shock trauma being suffered by officers it has now been mandated that further Taser training will be undertaken indoors and not while stood in puddles or handling hose pipes.

Ms Candida Mingerot, head of the House of Conmans Home Affairs Select Committee, today commented to one press hack from the Fubar Gazette that “Water cannons are a good option to protect vulnerable areas and premises – especially if they’ve been set on fire - but I concede they need to be deployed in pairs to be effective and make sure protesters – or rioters - get really wet."

“Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that the police response to last August’s riots was a total clusterfuck – amateurs posing as professionals. But it’s hard to justify mobilising the military to deal with a public disorder situation – especially as most of them would have to be flown back from Afghanistan on short notice and doubtless arrive jetlagged and good for nothing – apart from going to sleep – and we already have the numpty plods doing that.”

“I suppose the Territorial Army could be used to take over logistical roles to free police officers for public order duties – but conversely that’s precisely the role for which our traffic wardens were promoted to form the ranks of these ubiquitous and officious jobsworth Community Enforcement Officers we now have infesting our neighbourhoods, is it not? And all bestowed with Stasi-like powers and licensed to kick in front doors and search private properties for evidence of subversive activities – such as dumping recyclable garbage in the wrong coloured wheelie bin as they spot-fined my Mother £60 quid for last week.”

At the opposite end of the socio-political spectrum Frank McSkanger, the director of ScumWatch, a volunteer group of whistle-blowing snitches tasked with scrutinising government abuses, opined to the media that “Well, fuckin’ well – so apart from being economically fucked wiv a large capital F, Broken Britain’s about ter go right over the top by sanctionin’ the imbecilic Plod Squad morons ter shoot on sight any fucker an’ their dog wot resembles an arsonist.”

“For fuck’s sake, we can’t even trust them with Asp telescopic batons cos they go inter homicidal thug mode and beat innocent passer-by news vendors ter death – live on camera – like wot that PC Simon Harwood twat did ter Ian Tomlinson at the 2009 G20 demo’. A real April Fool’s Day all round that woz indeed.”

“Really, wot the fuck’s next? If we didn’t have enough wiv MI5’s psycho security forces suicidin’ the UK’s top weapons inspector fer tellin’ the truth, then blowin’ up London’s underground tube trains on 7/7 an’ blamin’ it on Mohammed al Patsy an’ his mates Larry, Shep and Mo' from Leeds – then multi-tappin’ a Brazilian electrician on his effin’ way ter change out a blown fuse at the local tannin’ parlour – just cos he looked ‘a bit Muslim-ish’, I ask yer.”

“Now the intent is ter use the August riots as a qualifyin’ factor excuse fer bestowin’ these hoodlums in uniform wiv the divine right ter shoot people on sight – an’ that’s the catalyst fer creatin’ a state of ‘impunitas sempre ad deteriora invitat’: ‘impunity always leads to greater crimes’.”
“But that’s the New World Order agenda isn’t it, eh, This is wot the powers that be have bin ordered ter do – elbow out democracy fer technocracy – and usher in it’s bed partner fascism, right alongside it. They want the creation an’ maintenance of a dysfunctional society – an’ the wholesale disruption of British society is toppin' that agenda.”

“They might well be spoutin’ off that the use of rubber bullets an’ baton rounds an’ CS gas an’ water cannons worked ter great effect ter control an’ counter civil unrest in Northern Ireland - but that woz a militarised operation."
"An’ here yer see the truth in wot this effin’ Libservative government want - a state of military confrontation wiv their own citizens ter usher in their Big Brother martial law state like the Yanks have wiv their Violent Radicalization and Homegrown Terrorism Prevention bill an’ the National Defense Authorization Act.”

“Wot it comes down ter is this: the government need ter solve Britain’s socio-economic problems an’ create some effin’ jobs then if every fucker’s in work yer won’t get any Oppositional Defiance Disorder riots or lootin’ or arson.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.