Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Ali G’s Manor Gets Snobby Re-Name

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Surrey township of Staines – aka Linoville – is to be re-branded as Staines-upon-Thames in a pathetic and fatally-flawed bid to give the dump ‘tourist appeal’ – under the faulty reasoning by town council leader Alderman Frank Dorkbury that “Well, it worked for the Polacks with Auschwitz so it might do here as well – and don’t forget, we are part of the Surrey stockbroker belt.”

With the main topic on the agenda at an extraordinary meeting of the borough council’s Committee for Wasting Time & Money last week being ‘Renewal’ - councillors voted in favour to change the town's name to Staines-upon-Thames, with the aim of promoting its riverside location and boosting the flagging economy.

To achieve this end they have further sanctioned the expenditure of tens of thousands of pounds in council taxes to be squandered on the staging of a spectacular Busby Berkeley style ceremony to mark the official renaming at the annual May Day celebration next year in which the May Queen (normally a second-hand virgin) is ritually drowned in the Thames as a sacrifice to the (as of lately absent) gods of capitalist commerce.

Staines councillors have been acutely sensitive concerning the town's negative image in the past mainly due fictitious resident of the ‘West Staines Massiv’ Ali G referring to the place as ‘the next thing on the deprived scale to a Third World landfill site’ – and ‘the dungheap God chucked over his shoulder then forgot about’.

Councillor Bev Titwank recently hit out at toxic media reports following a statement by the local indie band ‘No Shit’ which classified Staines as ‘not so much a ghost town – just a fuckin’ dump’.

Speaking to gutter press reporters Ms Titwank admitted “I know we’ve had problems with attracting not only start up business ventures but also shoppers due our lack of modern malls and entertainment facilities. However there’s always Staines Football Club – and while we did get a disappointing result in today’s match due Larry the goalkeeper being asthmatic and not so quick on his legs since his hip replacement op’ – last week we copped for that hard-earned draw against the Henshawe Blind Institute’s league-topping first team.”

Soccer disasters and council chamber ire besides, it is an established fact that Staines only claim to fame was as the site of Frank Walton’s 19th century lino factory – long ago shut down in the Thatcherite era campaign of de-industrialising Britain so as to piss the unions off and achieve the nation’s current ‘Broken’ status.

However, there to commemorate Walton’s cheap floor covering empire is a conspicuously gaudy bronze statue in the High Street of two blokes ignoring all HSE manual handling regulations while wrestling with a roll of lino and looking like they’re both going to be ringing in sick the next day with hernia problems (especially with a ‘bronze’ roll of lino being ten times the weight of the real thing).

Conversely, regardless of the borough council’s enthusiasm for the re-naming, members of the younger generation are more critical.
Baz McScrote, a 16-year old unemployed apprentice skateboard mechanic, opined to one press hack from the Vulgarians Gazette "That is so effin’ sad – the attempt to make Staines sound more posh than it is. Where the fuck did I put my barf bag?"

Fellattia Mingerot, a 17-year old mother of three, told the media “Wot a waste of fuckin’ money by our dog-wankin’ council. It’s absurd an’ all a bunch of pretentious bullshit cos people are still gonna call it Staines – even if it is in effin’ Surrey. Why don’t they just re-name it Booyakashaville’?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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