Scameron Pledges Problem Family Action

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron, has tasked the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money and the House of Conmans ‘What Can We Fuck With Next’ select committee with a joint venture project to finally sort out the worst of Broken Britain’s ‘problem families’ – with the immigrant ‘Wicked Windsors’ still topping the shit list in number one place for the Nth decade running over their continued abuse of pomp, circumstance and privilege.

A network of ‘Troubled Families’ teams will be given responsibility for locating and co-ordinating help for delinquent household units facing multiple challenges such as a disproportionate sense of personal entitlement and benefit privileges, a delusional ‘divine right’ propensity for land-grabbing, chronic unemployment – and congenital insanity issues caused by swimming for too long at the shallow end of the gene pool – aggravated through generations of interbreeding with their mongrelised regal blood relatives.

Speaking to one press hack from the Benefit Scroungers Gazette, Scameron declared he wanted to see leadership at the top – with action encompassing the entire social spectrum via local authority councils to tackle the problem – and turn around the lives of 120,000 dysfunctional families by 2050.
To this end he was placing DWP Minister Iain Duncan Smith in charge of making a primary case in point of the sponging Windsor clan to act as an example to all that being a bunch of social parasites, living off the backs of others, is not acceptable in polite society.

The Cabinet’s Behavioural Insight Team - aka the ‘Nudge Unit’ - have modelled this flawed strategy on the family intervention project adopted by Tony Bliar’s New Labour government in which a single social worker was sent on a suicide mission to gain an overview of the problems facing a family living on a sink or swim council housing estate - and to recommend the best course of action: get the lot on an AA rehab’ programme - or throw them in prison - or let them starve.

In the case of the elitist Windsor pariahs, who apparently have a family tree history of unemployment and milking welfare benefits that goes back a couple of centuries, Duncan-Smith related that “These sponging bastards have taken the taxpaying public for billions – so I intend to make them a one-off settlement of £448 million quid to move out and go back to where they came from – Germany and Greece.”

“For Christ’s sake, they’ve got Buckingham Palace through the social housing scheme – with the rent and council tax paid – then my DWP staff discovered they have a second home up in Scotland at Balmoral. Talk about Benefits Britain and bleeding the welfare state dry – these people have been getting away with blue bloody murder and taking the cream off the jug every time.”

“Plus what is getting right up the noses of the public is the fact they’re all a bunch of bloody immigrants too. The old lady, Lizzie – the one who wears that silly crown and wanders around waving at the peasants, is a Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Kraut. Let’s not forget Mr Virus Man either – her sponging Greek git of a husband Philip Schlewig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gluckburg – he might well go round wearing that Admiral’s Royal Navy jacket he got from Oxfam, but he’s been on the dole since Louis Mountbatten sneaked him into the country in the late 1930’s to keep him away from his Nazi friends in Europe.”

“Then you have their eldest lad Chazzer, the nutty one with the wingnut ears who’s just like his idle-arsed father – never done an honest day’s work in his life – and another suitable case for treatment who has his non-occupation on the Jobseekers Allowance form listed as a Plant Whisperer, for God’s sake.”

“Chazzer’s influence-peddling little shit of a brother, Andrew – we caught him out claiming benefits and disability allowance while he was working cash-in-hand for a bunch of arms dealers – bloody cheek. The sister, Anne, she’s another one who thinks she can get away with pulling a fast one on us – and we find out she’s got her own horses and stables – all funded out of her benefit fiddles.”
“As to the youngest lad, Edward – well, he definitely is a hopeless case, lacking the brain power to shit straight and wipe his own arse. The only thing they’ll trust him with is going out to fetch a bucket of coal and take the corgis for a walk.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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