Friday, 30 December 2011

Tory Philistines Want Blood Sports Back

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the unqualified opinion of Jumpin’ Jim Paice, one of the Tory Party’s psycho pro-blood sports proponents, the 2004 Hunting Act simply doesn't work as foxes can now stand back and laugh contemptuously - shouting “Ha, Ha, Ha - Boom! Boom!” as they imitate the iconic ginger-mingin, anthropomorphic fox raconteur, the star of the Beeb’s Children’s Hour: Basil Brush - at the red-coated morons on their horses as they ‘toot-toot’ then bawl and holler in vain to stop their pack of baying hounds tearing some hapless fucker’s moggy or Pekingese – or toddler - to pieces in the middle of Suburbia.

Paice, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum - and a Ministry of Agriculture jobsworth long past his shelf life - confided to a press hack from the Barbarians Gazette a bevy of his flawed opinions on the hunting ban - which makes it illegal to hunt wild animals using dogs.
“Our green and pleasant land’s fallen victim to all this prissy humanitarian and political correctness bunkum. Don’t forget, it was blood and guts that built the British Empire - one that the sun never set on – not pissing around in the House of Conmans, wasting time and money debating about fox and badger rights.”

”There’s so many of our working dog breeds facing extinction since these do-gooder moralist bans came into force. No more coursing with lurchers and ripping a mad March hare or three to ribbons. No bugger bothers breeding the good old St Hubert’s for tracking down escaped kaffirs anymore since that holier-than-thou prat Wilberforce and his mate Clarkson got slavery abolished.”

“The bear pits have all gone - along with badger baiting and that splendid Victorian seaside pastime of cormorant chucking. Perhaps it’s just my sadistic streak coming out, but really, if it was up to me I’d ditch Scameron’s Big Society and Hug-a-Hoodie doctrines and bring back conscription and organize gladiator training camps for the unemployed. Then see if that motivated them to get off their lazy arses when it came down to a fight for their very lives – tossing them into a pit with a pack of ravenous wolves.”

Chlamydia Mingerot, chief executive of the Countryside Alliance, told the Carnivores Review “Greater Manchester’s Stench Hill sink or swim council housing estate’s Residents Committee used to organize a smashing annual Boxing Day event in which Staffordshire Pitbull Terriers were loosed on Scumshawe Park to hunt down and tear to pieces any and all pervy voyeur masturbators, would-be rapists and potential kiddie fiddlers caught lurking in the bushes.”

“That used to keep sex crimes down to a minimum but got banned after a pair of Community Enforcement snitches who were on a stake out in the park, spying on residents shoving their garbage in the wrong wheelie bin, were mistaken for a couple of wankers and got disembowelled by a pack of rabid Rottweilers.”

“Regardless, we are expecting a crowd of some 250,000 peasants to be out and about up and down the country to support their local hunts and hear the piercing howls from the frustrated hounds as they tear the ‘fox scent drag’ to shreds – then start on each other.”

Seasoned hunt saboteur and ‘League Against Cruel Sports’ chief executive Joe Duckfat informed media reporters “There’s no effin’ place fer animal cruelty in a civilised society an’ any fucker wiv two brain cells ter rub together is right behind New Labour's ban on huntin’ wild animals wiv a pack of fuckin’ dogs – even though they do still question wot woz the moral point of bringin’ in the act in 2004 when Bliar an’ Co had illegally authorised a free-for-all shootin’ match in Iraq wiv that other dumb twat Dubya Bush.”

"Now while every sod’s worried about losin’ their jobs an’ fallin’ incomes an’ risin’ prices we’ve got this out of touch Tory-dominated coalition government talkin’ about abolishin’ the act an’ bringin’ huntin’ back. Although I must admit the majority of the public might enjoy seein’ Chancellor Georgie Osborne chased down by a pack of hounds an’ ripped ter bits.”

Do you live in a hunting fetish area? Have you ever been hunted to the point of exhaustion by wild dogs then had your arms and legs torn off? Do you consider blood sports to be cruel? What are your thoughts on hedgehog strangling as a sport?

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: At least bears are now able to shit in the woods in comfort, without having a pack of hounds disturbing them halfway through a good crap.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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