Tories: A Bunch of Juke Box Politicians

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the biggest influence peddling scandal to hit the House of Conmans since the last influence peddling scandal, undercover reporters from the Daily Shitraker have recorded a conversation between a bunch of indiscreet, loose-lipped executives belonging to the public affairs company Bell Snottinger, while they were indulging in an after-work tipple at Takem Orloff’s lap dancing bar in Soho - boasting of their puppet master control over Tory leader and incumbent Libservative Coalition PM, Posh Dave Scameron.

In response to the wrong-doing expose - broadcast last night on Channel 69’s ‘Corrupt Cunts’ programme - and in a bid to really stir up some embarrassing shit for the Tories, New Labour MP Frank McScrunt intends to introduce a Ten Minute Rule Bill demanding changes to the current lobbying laws – informing press hacks that “These effin’ ministers wot’s in this Millionaires’ Cabinet of Scameron’s are too bleedin’ close ter corporate interests. They’re all a bunch of jukebox politicians – all yet have ter do is stick a few coins in and they’ll play any fuckin’ tune yer want – so hence I’m goin’ ter get Ed Millipede ter push fer a statutory register of commercial lobbyists wot’s got access ter Parliament.”

In a headless chicken response to McScrunt’s announcement, Downing Street went into panic mode and declared for the public record they had planned to launch a consultation on the statutory regulation of lobbying - with legislation to be introduced before Parliament sometime in 2016.

The Channel 69 expose, filmed by the Daily Shitraker’s star hack Jacko Skanger, secretly recorded Tim ‘Three Chins’ Collins, managing director of Bell Snottinger Public Affairs - well into his cups and a name-dropping session – boasting to have 24/7 access to Posh Dave Scameron and his pretty boy Chancellor, Georgie Osborne.

Collins, the former Tory MP for Scumborough North until getting ousted by unimpressed constituents in 2005 for a charismatic Lib-Dum candidate, has been described by friends and critics alike as “a right gobshite” – and was filmed bragging to his inebriated pals that he had the low-down on the foibles, vices and perversions of the Tories inner circle – from who was buggering who - to which MPs and Shitehall civil servants Scotland Yard’s kiddie fiddling squad should slap the cuffs on and check how much paedo’ porn was on their laptops and cellphones.

In addition to the Channel 69 broadcast, the story also made the banner headlines of the Daily Shitraker – which quoted the arrogant Collins as stating: "I've been working with people like Dave Scameron and Georgie Osborne for 20 odd years – along with wannabe shits like Willy Vague, Alistair Burt and Mark Prick. There’s no need to give any of these wankers a Chinese burn or a deadleg as they’re all thinking of post-political office earners and freebie directorships. All I’ve got to do is snap my fingers to get their attention – like Pavlov’s dog – or did he use a whistle?”

The damning portion of Jacko Skanger’s recording centres on Collins’ boast that he had, on behalf of Bell Snottinger, recently cajoled Dave Scameron into raising the matter of copyright infringement and blatant piracy with Chinese Premier Flip Flop Fong of the People’s Marxist Utopia - on behalf of the UK-based see-through vacuum cleaner manufacturer, Jimbo Dyson.

Conversely, Downing Street’s official spokeswoman Fellatia Titwank, informed press hacks that “Mr Collins’ claims totally misrepresent his relationship with PM Scameron and constitute a gross exaggeration. It simply isn't true that Bell Snottinger or any other lobbying company have been influencing government policies – especially now we’ve got rid of Liam Pox and his poofter pal Adam Qwerty.”
“Seriously, you can fuck me drunk if I tell a fib, but it’s a total coincidence that Mr Scameron gave Premier Fong a bollocking over their breaching intellectual property rights and ripping off poor Mr Dyson’s business."

However, Collins’ boss, Baron Ding Dong of the Bottomfeeders, the obnoxious Twatcher-era Tory spin doctor and current chairman of Bell Snottinger's parent company, Slime Communications, issued a statement to the media that he would be filing a formal objection over the covert recording affair with the Press Complaints Commission – (whose director, Lord Kunt of Squirrel, apparently belongs to the same Freemasons lodge as Ding-Dong) - on the grounds that it was not in the public interest to publish a story that exposed a spot of old boy network / private business coercing - and corrupting the odd government official to do their bidding.

Thought for the day. When it comes down to being ‘purer than Caesar’s wife’ regarding some poor fucker getting shafted or the corruption of public officials, in December 2006 Lord Ding-Dong successfully lobbied Tony Bliar’s New Labour government (via the medium of Peter Scandalson - later to have his palm crossed with silver and elevated to the rank of Vermin in Ermine for his efforts) on behalf of the despotic Saudi Arabian regime to discontinue the Serious Fraud Office investigation into alleged bribes in the Al Yamamah arms deal.
Oh yes, another public relations success for Baron Fix-It – to the benefit of the privileged elite few – and the detriment of British law and order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.