Libservatives Think Wood Grows on Trees

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Zillions of hectares of Britain's woodlands are being covertly flogged off by the Forestry Commission as it struggles to deal with the draconic cuts to its annual operating budget and meet the ridiculous financial targets imposed by Chancellor George Osborne and the Libservative coalition government - who can afford to invade Libya and make a total fuck of their infrastructure with mega-bucks of high tech’ military ordnance but won’t cough up a few bob to maintain our ancient forests for today - and the youth of tomorrow.

A detailed inventory of our once-sceptred isles sylvan lands, sold off by the dodgy Forestry Commission’s directors - which was, to all intents and purposes, charged with protecting our arboraceous reserves for future generations - reveals that it has raked in millions from sales to private companies, most of which have no aesthetic interest in the dendrologic aspects of Mother Nature and whose commercial purpose for existence is the production of firewood and pulp for the manufacture of environmentally-friendly Kindle e-books.

Although the Tories’ ginger-mingin Environment Secretary, Caroline ‘Nannygate’ Spelman, she of the Desperate Dan chin and the type of moron who still thinks wood grows on trees, disingenuously claimed to have abandoned plans to sell off England's 258,000 hectares of state-owned woodland in February following the hue and cry from nature lovers - already one ‘greatly undervalued’ clandestine deal has gone ahead (in secret until the FC’s Frank Snitcher grassed them up) with the sale of the 712 acre David Kelly Memorial Woods in Oxfordshire for a measly £2.7 milion quid to the Sahara Forest Trading Company – along with Smegmadale’s iconic Grassy Knoll Park thrown in for an extra £50,000 nicker.

New Labour’s shadow Environment Secretary, Douglas Fir, informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that “The Forestry Commission is a self-supporting entity that can easily run at a profit were it not for political appointees shoved in there to head the outfit – and who obey their Master’s voice when instructed by Spelman and her Tory cronies to flog off our historic woodlands for a fraction of their worth to party donors.”

Tree huggers and like-minded campaigners are complaining that commercial buyers have barred the public from their newly acquired woodlands, despite signing legally binding contracts stating they will preserve traditional Right to Roam access for ramblers, leaf-pressers and pine cone collecting aficionados - plus the legions of squirrel ticklers and sheep shaggers – which might once again come down to a repeat of the 1932 Mass Trespass ‘Battle of Kinder Scout’ Mexican standoff and butting heads with ‘Graball Enclosedland’ style corporate bosses to regain access.

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No woodpeckers, squirrels, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals – otters, stoats or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of trees ended up at B & Q as decking planks.

Thought for the day: How can bears – or Ray Mears - continue to shit in the woods if they’re no more trees to provide a spot of privacy – and leaves for bum-wiping?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.